A night of punk rock, hip-hop, electronic, and jazz in a South African bar? Culture overdose alert, kiddies! Crush Thursday takes place -- natch -- every Thursday at the Kalahari Bar (4446 NE 20th Ave., Fort Lauderdale). A revolving door of DJs takes the stage(s), spinning hip-hop and lounge on the back patio and funk, indie, electronic, and new wave inside. Different guest DJs bring their music to the table(s) each week, like those rowdy ruffians from the Fox and Hound's monthly Blowtorch night. Cost is $3, and the night is 18 and older. Call 954-351-9371, or visit www.crushthursday.com.
FRI 12/12
Are you tired of being offended by crass lyrics, assaulted by misogynistic, phallocentric stage shows, and bombarded with the generally lazy songwriting that seems to saturate the scene? Well, Remember the Ocean is one of those bands that won't offend anyone, ever. It just can't. After a short hiatus, RTO is back with its new CD, Tomorrow After Dark, which combines lush guitar strumming, pedal steel, and soft drums with singer Kristin Larkin's warm, breathy vocals for a picturesque experience akin to driving through Connecticut in October. Check out the sweet sounds of Remember the Ocean at its CD-release party at Respectable Street (518 Clematis St., West Palm Beach). Show starts at 8 p.m., and Sevens and Nothing Rhymes with Orange open. Call 561-832-9999.
SAT 12/13
Bonsai literally translates to "tree in a pot," so it makes sense that there should be a whole festival devoted to the mystical foliage. What is the ancient Japanese secret of the bonsai? Well, it doesn't have a damn thing to do with Mr. Miyagi, that's for sure. Come to Morikami Japanese Gardens (4000 Morikami Park Rd., Delray Beach) and participate in "Discover Bonsai," an indoor and outdoor event that features a haiku walk, workshops, lectures, an introductory bonsai class, and a bonsai critique (they're sensitive, so be nice). You can also bring your own bonsai for tips on care and maintenance, or take home a little 'sai of your own. The discovery starts at 10 a.m. and is free, except for the bonsai clinic, which is $10. Call 561-495-0233.
SUN 12/14
There's not much you can do with Christmas songs except make them even more intolerable. But the New Renditions Group of Face2Face Records is giving the traditional tunes an injection of jazz. "Christmas on the Jazzy Side" is a holiday concert covering Christmas standards, as well as love songs and classics from the '50s and '60s, all with some jazzy flute, keyboard, and upright bass action thrown in. The show takes place at Cuillo Centre for the Arts (201 Clematis St., West Palm Beach) at 8 p.m. Tickets cost $26. Call 561-835-9226.
MON 12/15
All right, ladies. Get ready to swoon and scream "Danke Schoen," because Wayne Newton is taking his act on the road, and it comes to the Broward Center for the Performing Arts (201 SW Fifth Ave., Fort Lauderdale) at 7:30 p.m. Although heralded in his earlier career as something of a teen idol, those days are far behind him now -- the tweens who cast him in that image are now receiving Social Security checks, after all. No, these days, Newton is in the midst of his fourth decade as Las Vegas' "Mr. Entertainment." After expanding his Vegas show through the 1970s, he won the city's Entertainer of the Year award more than any other performer, was paid more than any other Vegas performer, and bought the Aladdin casino in the 1980s. Then, in the 1990s, he declared bankruptcy, which could be why this decade finds him on the road. In any case, this is one of his final holiday shows before heading back to the Stardust for a six-day run. Tickets cost $29 to $65. Call 965-462-0222.
TUE 12/16
It's inevitable that any child actor who has ever appeared in a Disney-affiliated show is going to have some issues. After years of being kept down by Mickey's greedy, gloved hand, the kids have no choice but to rebel in the only way they know how: solo careers. Eventually, the smart button-up cardigans come off, the innocent, toothy smiles fade, and it's time for the barely legal wank parade to begin. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to shed a wholesome image for something more, oh, cosmopolitan. After years of starring in the Disney Channel's Lizzie McGuire series, angel-faced Hilary Duff is striking out on her own. And the vultures known as the media are already swooping in with low-rise jeans and tube tops. At the ripe old age of 16, Duff's already got a solo album out, aptly titled Metamorphosis, that chronicles the joys and the confusion of being a teenaged girl. Who knew that the 35-year-old man who writes her lyrics had so much insight into the mind of a young girl! Give Duffers a few years and she'll probably be on the cover of Rolling Stone, swimming half-naked in a giant fishbowl full of dildos. But for now, you can catch her while she's still G-rated when she plays Sound Advice Amphitheatre (601-7 Sansbury's Way, West Palm Beach) with Natural. Show starts at 7:30 p.m. Call 561-793-0445.
WED 12/17
Well, it's been talked about for years, and now it's finally happened. Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have set their bitchy little whines aside and joined forces once again, causing a rush on box offices by aging hipsters and baby boomers everywhere. The duo of Simon & Garfunkel, as anyone with even a passing knowledge of classic rock knows, was one of the big names of the 1960s. The mid-1960s releases of Sounds of Silence and Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme made them stars, and the pair's final album, 1970's Bridge Over Troubled Water, made them immortal. Then Simon went on to make album after album of gorgeous, world-music-influenced material. Garfunkel went on to make album after album of... well, why say anything that might upset the fellow and break up the act again? You can catch the reunited team tonight at American Airlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami) or Thursday at Office Depot Center (1 Panthers Pkwy., Sunrise) at 8 p.m. As expected, given prices at previous oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-they're-back reunion tours, tickets cost an astounding $45 to $250. Call 305-960-8500 (Miami) or 954-835-8000 (Sunrise).
