When This Boats a-Rockin’

The problem with hitting on women in bars is that they can throw a drink in your face and leave. One surefire way to eliminate that barrier is by reducing the chances of evasion to a dive into the open sea. We’re talking about the Climax Cruise. Yes, that’s right. If they were able to come up with a more sexually charged name, the entire ship would have to arrive at dock wrapped in plain, brown paper. Ol’ Climax departs from Fort Lauderdale on Friday evening and, shockingly, it isn’t being filmed for reality television, so what happens on board stays on board – unless you count the endless amounts of homespun YouTube segments that are destined to emerge. The rocking, floating, sexual summer camp boasts “2,000 of South Florida’s hottest singles;” a full-on Vegas-style casino with blackjack, roulette, and slots; tons of events like lingerie parties, speed dating, wet ´n’ wild T-shirt contest, and hot body contests; the world’s sketchiest hot tub; and the redundantly named “drunk karaoke” competition. As an added bonus, the ship penetrates international waters, so younger, more awkward, “sexy singles” (18 and up) can abandon their parents’ liquor cabinets, claim they are staying at a friend’s house, and blow part of next year’s room and board loot to climb aboard the two-day, floating Petri dish. Low on bar funds? Win some booze money at the bikini contest, bank on raking it in at Big Money Bingo, or just latch on to some guy with a giant medallion, a hairy chest, and a private cabin on the deck.

If space allows, passengers can sign up right ´til the date of departure (that would be today). Translation: You still have enough time to board a ship with more possible fluid-swapping permutations than in the biohazard trash bin at your local free clinic. Whatcha waiting for? Tickets range based on cabin placement and size, and food is included. Call 877-772-4625, and visit www.climaxevent.com.

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Jamie Laughlin