Normally, when given the choice between attending a stand up act filled with impressions or shoving cutlery into assorted orifices, the latter is the better option. Seriously, how many John Madden and Jack Nicholson imitations can one handle before the sweet relief of a spork in the eye is appealing?…
Just when we think that the Miami Heat’s season can’t get any worse, the AP reports that Pat Riley’s just as disenchanted as we are. He’s even cutting class so he can scout during the NCAA tournament. That makes perfect sense! The team is obviously being coached very well right…
By the time this article hits the newsstands, the Cats playoff picture will probably be crystal clear, therefore it’s time to grab your pen or pencil and get with the circling. “We would just like to (congratulate/chastise) the Panthers for (making/missing) the playoffs yet again. We, the miserable South Florida…
The hockey trade deadline has come and gone. Thankfully, Olli Jokinen is still on the team, and more surprising, the Panthers added some good role players in gritty winger Chad Kilger, ironman Karlis Skrastins (who has played in 495 games in a row, an NHL record), and tough-guy Wade Belak…
What do you get when you take six unemployed steel workers, add in a dash of suicidal depression and a chunk of unpaid child support? Well, you get exposed male genitals, of course. The Full Monty is a play based on the Academy Award winning movie (Best Original Music Score)…
You’ve waited for this: The star of the unforgettable action trilogy Snake Eater is finally coming to town. After getting snubbed at the Oscars for his work in Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster, Lorenzo Lamas put in one more turn as Jack Kelly (the devourer of serpents) in SE3:…
Rumors are flying that captain Olli Jokinen is being shopped around the league. According to the Toronto Sun, Jacques Martin and his captain can’t co-exist and the superstar center is most likely the one to take the fall. While this can’t be good news for most Panthers fans, something has…
When a computer named Big Blue is the most famous practitioner of your craft, you know you’ve stumbled into a niche where popularity is scarce. And the threat of ridicule by the “cool kids”? It’s very real. Take solace, chess players: You play one of the most intellectually challenging games…
When compiling a list of things that are distinctly American, baseball and apple pie pop to mind. But shouldn’t we add country music as well? Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, and Willie Nelson are just a few citizens of these great states who’ve crafted and popularized the genre. David Allan Coe…
Gone are the days when tens of thousands of people would gather in a local arena to watch armed men fight to the death (or become a play toy for a hungry lion). Thanks to a newfound respect for human life, our bloodlust must be satiated in entirely different ways…
Let’s pretend we’ve learned Beauty and the Beast’s valuable life lesson: that beauty is only skin deep, despite our culture’s obsession with glorifying good looks above all else. That nugget of knowledge gained doesn’t excuse the most disturbing part of the B & B story, which coincidentally doesn’t involve vanity…
The word mentalist has quite a few different meanings. If you’re from the UK, it’s someone who’s locked in a mental institution. We Americans, on the other hand, conjure images of third-rate hypnotists twirling faux gold pocket watches until their subjects cluck like chickens. But Marc Salem isn’t some hack…
Finally! The Dolphins won their first game! Now that their pursuit of anti-perfection is over, it’s officially time for south Florida sports fans to get passionate about their Panthers. And there’s plenty to root for; the Cats have at least one bona fide superstar in Olli Jokinen and they might…
Quick, what’s the best way to keep an inanimate body in good condition for 100 years? If you answered that question, seek professional help. But for those of you who aren’t aspiring coroners or mad scientists, here’s what you do: Put it on ice. We all know that the fatal…
If A Christmas Carol has taught us anything it’s that being rich and greedy certainly has its merits. How else can one rule over one’s subordinates with an iron fist while being assured visits from voyeuristic, clairvoyant, time traveling specters who wear enough chains to make Mr. T blush? All…
Do you remember when punk rock used to mean something? (Aside from spiky hair-dos and three minutes of whining about your parents, like some power-chord hungry version of the Fresh Prince.) Thank the gods that Rise Against does. The Chicago four-piece fuses the political musings of Bad Religion with hard-driving…
In 1977, the Misfits set out to start a new kind of punk rock band. Not satisfied with simple thrashing guitars and typical angst-ridden lyrics, lead singer Glenn Danzig and bassist Jerry Only started penning tunes that sounded like the undead offspring of The Ramones, Black Sabbath, and the Drifters…
