If you have children, and you’d like to exploit those children for your political gains, and if you have the money to rent those children prison uniforms, you should totally bring them to downtown West Palm Beach on Wednesday. That’s when people protesting government spending will bring 20-30 children dressed…

This post is an official request to you, the U.S. taxpayer, for a government bailout for The Juice Blog. Like a pretentious menu, I won’t be asking for a specific amount, only that it should have many zeros and come with no restrictions so that we can use it for…

It’s hard to be a card-carrying, foreign-car-driving, alt-weekly-newspaper-working, Cheez Whiz-loving liberal these days. The conservatives say President Obama’s corporate bailouts amount to socialism, and who knows if they’re right, because they kind of lost me at the first trillion. So that’s why I say all us liberals should go buy…

If you’re down a dark West Palm Beach alley on a Friday night, say, with your Ferrari hat and Ed Hardy shirt giving you away as either rich or a douche or most likely both, what you’re probably worried about is the tweens. You know, those skateboarders who hang around…

Today’s edition of the Morning Juice is brought to you by our new sponsor, Greg Gumbel’s perfectly coiffed mini-afro. To be clear, Greg Gumbel himself is not the sponsor, and in no way would we imply that, because Greg Gumbel has a propensity to sue people who claim he’s falsely…

Federal authorities seized Bernie Madoff’s yacht in Fort Lauderdale yesterday and then took control of the home his wife owns in Palm Beach. U.S. marshals described “using an element of surprise” to grab Madoff’s property, but if you’re a Madoff investor, you might describe it as coming, oh, like six…

Democrats unveiled the anti-Rush Limbaugh traveling billboard in West Palm Beach yesterday, showing that party leaders never learned that you’re supposed to ignore a bully to make him go away.The billboard, plastered on the side of a truck, reads: “Americans didn’t vote for a Rush to failure.” As soon as…

Former New Times writing fellow P.J. Tobia went to the last place most people would think of spending their Thanksgiving: to an Army base in Afghanistan. The result was “Afghaniscrewed,” which ran this week in New Times. Now Tobia’s headed back to Afghanistan for, well, who knows what? So I…

It’s official: your monitor, cell phone, toaster, and portable Simon computer game are slowly murdering you.That’s according to Broward County Mayor Stacy Ritter, who recently signed this proclamation making next month Electromagnetic Sensitivity Awareness Month. Her proclamation, post-dated for May 1, declares:Whereas, as a result of global electromagnetic pollution, people…

The Marlins will open their season in 2012 with a new stadium in Little Havana, meaning fans in Broward and Palm Beach counties who used to go to Dolphins Stadium will forget we have major-league baseball in South Florida.Being a complete idiot of a baseball fan, I’ll be there. Here’s…

When NFL team owners meet in Fort Lauderdale in May, they will decide whether the Miami Dolphins will soon become the Wackenhut Security Services Miami Dolphins. Now, yes, I did take this story up a couple of levels. But what the team owners will be discussing is putting logos on…

Teachers flooded a School Board meeting last night in an attempt to ask for bigger raises. However, the teachers were unsuccessful in their attempt to sway the officials using their overwhelming immaturity.The room full of teachers — the same ones who send students to detention for such infractions as chewing…

The Marlins finally got the new stadium the team has sought for a decade, meaning the team will now depart the State of Florida for Little Havana. The team will leave Dolphin Stadium, with its proximity to Broward and Palm Beach counties, in 2012. And with the stadium approval, the…

It has long been known that Americans are No. 1 in the world for such things as figuring out new uses for bacon, reinventing potato skins as a fat-filled appetizer, and supplying the rest of the world with neck-down fat people footage for news stories about obesity. But now a…

If you believe that the Lord Baby Jesus is in heaven looking out for all the unborn zygotes out there, then you’ll support South Florida state Rep. Anitere Flores. She’s got a bill in Tallahassee that would require women seeking abortion to get an ultrasound. To emphasize how important it…

The Humane Society of the United States has filed this class-action lawsuit against Petland, which has several local stores, claiming Petland buys dogs from puppy mills. This actually comes as some good news to my landlord, because now I am totally not going back to Petland to adopt that Weimaraner…

Classic Naugle: The mayor says he became aware of gay sex in his backyard. Revelers in Fort Lauderdale will be drinking rainbow-colored beer and wearing sexy Leprechaun outfits today to celebrate one thing: the day super anti-gay Mayor Jim Naugle leaves office. It’s too easy, thought, to bash the guy…

Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria told the media yesterday that he’s optimistic that Miami will pass a plan this week to move the team into a proposed stadium in Little Havana. Leaving Dolphins Stadium, which is on the Broward County line, will assure that baseball fans in Broward and Palm…