UPDATE: E! is reporting that Beyonce is indeed knocked up! Bey and Jay’s reps aren’t saying, but it’s looking more and more like there’s another baby Carter on the way. Can anybody confirm or deny — definitively and with stern conviction — whether or not Beyoncé Knowles and hubby-slash-rap music…
If we are superior at anything at New Times, it is at having opinions. We’re talking like we even have something to say about the kind of toilet paper your mom buys (leaves stuff in our butts!) or the size of raindrops falling from the sky (they’re too skinny). So,…
The word plush may be employed as a noun (a “rich fabric”) or an adjective (“luxurious”). In both instances, the term signifies smooth sensuality and delicious comfort. Which is exactly what Miami native and Palm Beach County resident, Christina Farrah (known to many of her friends and acquaintances as “Kiwi”)…
At the very beginning of 2013, we declared that Canadian Tweety Bird heartthrob extraordinaire, Justin Bieber, was going to the year’s Pothead to Watch. And while we maintain that Le Biebz is rapidly degenerating into a perpetually tardy, perma-smelly pothead, and that his mounting, life-consuming addiction to reefer has him…
Remember when Kanye West was touring Europe this past February, and — night after night — lost his metaphorical shit onstage? In case you don’t, let us clarify our statement with a note explaining that by “lost his shit,” we don’t mean “really gave the performance his all” or “misplaced…
Perennial folk rocker and original self-mythologizing hippie, Bob Dylan, has announced a 26-date tour across the United States with Chicago-based brothers-in-roots-rock, Wilco, and the fresher-faced righteous jammers known as My Morning Jacket. The team-up is so undeniably harmonious it is practically the peanut butter and banana sandwiches of package tours…
Is anything sweeter than watching LeBron Fucking James and Ray Goddamn Allen metaphorically mash the collective face of the Milwaukee Bucks into a gravel pit of defeat? Sure, there are myriad victories to come. But this is the Miami Heat’s first in a methodical Sherman’s March decimation of the NBA…
After almost a decade of ribald gangsta rhymes spun from controversial trap lord fan fiction, Rick Ross has finally penned the couplet that critics and fans alike are declaring to be his most offensive ever. “Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it,” The Bawse recounts on…
What do Rihanna and professional hockey team the Ottawa Senators have in common? That’s not the first half of a joke. We are not positing a rhetorical question. We have absolutely no goddamn idea why Rihanna recently tweeted a picture of herself wearing a Senators Jersey and little else. Weird,…
Back in 1999, a still-babyfaced Lil Wayne declared on his debut album that “Tha Block” was “hot.” We have a feeling young Weezy had no idea that circa 2013, the block would be damned near boiling!In fact, Wayne’s water has never been warmer, and the skies around the Cash Money…
There are members of our society who live for rock ‘n’ roll. You know the type. Somewhere between Arthur Fonzarelli’s seemingly genetic Zen-like coolness and John Belushi with a lampshade on his head and his dick in the mashed potatoes is a demographic that lives for a couple of brewskies…
Cuban-Americans and certain members of Congress are getting their pee-pee-soaked pantaloons in a major twist over Jay-Z and Beyoncé celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary in Cuba. Of course, the United States upholds a 50-plus-year embargo against the island nation that prohibits American citizens from traveling there. Well, average American citizens, that is…
As millennials — the underemployed, overeducated, and generally worthless young adults of today’s North America — we will always have a special place in our heart for Pamela Anderson’s sex tape with Tommy Lee. Not that we’ve seen it. OK, fine, we’ve seen it. And you know what? It’s not even…
Shortly before 1 a.m. PST today, TMZ reported the late-breaking story that — brace yourself — Justin Bieber’s recent extended mad blunted mental breakdown is, if you can believe it, almost directly related to his recent breakup with Selena Gomez. And upon reading this digitally rendered revelation regarding millionaire Millennials…
A wise man once said, “Ain’t no party like a New Times party ’cause a New Times party don’t stop.” But what accounts for this seemingly infinite production of decadent raging and overindulgence? In other words, why are our parties so awesome? The two-pronged answer is part of a longstanding…
When we hear the name Hoodie Allen we envision a cross between Big Baby Jesus, a.k.a. Dirt McGirt, or Wu Tang Clan’s Ol’ Dirty Bastard, and Larry David. Sounds too soft for you? Well, in the absence of an MC that dares to pair gangsta ribaldry with Hasidic orthodoxy, we’ll…
Last October, panty-droppin’-music aficionados across the country were dealt a devastating disappointment: John Legend was postponing his highly anticipated tour to finish Love in the Future, his first album since 2010’s Wake Up! We’re crazy about Legend, his eyebrow-singeing vocal pipes, and the mega-smoove urban R&B he has helped maintain…
“It feels like a perfect night,” Taylor Swift flirtily professes, perfectly in sync with the equally coy 4/4 backing beat, “to dress up like hipsters/And make fun of our exes.” Those are the first lyrics she sings on “22,” the newest single from her dominating and inescapable Red album, released…
Say what you will about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as potential parents: We’re positive their baby is going to turn out nothing short of superballin’. But first things first: These modest lovebirds need a title for the joint masterpiece of their respective careers. And they probably shouldn’t name it…
Punk always has an identity crisis looming around every corner. Allegedly, skinheads, anarchist vegans, and street-punk LARPers are all cut from the same cloth, despite the garish differences. But no matter how confounding you find a genre like Hare Krshna hardcore (and wonder what Sid Vicious would have to say…
Aside from being occasionally (and incorrectly) filed near one another by record clerks who don’t know how to alphabetize, the Beatles — particularly the pre-LSD hits — and Bob Marley don’t really have a whole lot in common. Can you think of two genres as disparate as reggae and British…
Does rock music matter in the strobes-and-XTC, uhntz-uhntz-obsessed age of Avicii?The real answer for 99 percent of consumers is, “No. Rock is dead.”But if you ask the few members of that other 1 percent, despite being stupendously outnumbered by dorks in spirit hats, doing poppers, they will respond with the…
