Saturday afternoon, the Miami Hurricanes went to Tallahassee and demolished the Florida State Seminoles 27-10. Nine sacks against FSU and some well-timed dime passes from UM quarterback Jarren Williams sealed a third straight win over Miami’s biggest rival. Much fun was had in the state capital at the Seminoles’ expense.
Bad takes — they happen to the best of us. There is literally an entire Twitter account dedicated to getting a good chuckle at how wrong we all are when it comes to sports opinions. Sometimes, though, a take is so predictably bad, so outrageously hideous, that when said take inevitably fires backward we must, by Twitter law, gather together to point it out.
Wednesday night, fans were introduced to the 2019-20 Miami Heat. There were T-shirt cannons, a pre-tip Justise Winslow speech, a new introduction video, and, uh, holy shit, like an entire roster of new-ish players who are apparently all going to win Rookie of the Year.
The Dolphins lost another football game yesterday, this time 31-21 to the Buffalo Bills. Rather than boring you with all of the statistics and takes about whether it’s good the Dolphins moved to 0-6 this season, we’ll just present video evidence of how Miami bookended the game with two of the worst football plays you’ll ever see.
Perhaps you’ve seen it in the newspapers, but for those who just returned from a backpacking trip through the Amazon, we have some very sad and unfortunate news: The 2019 Miami Dolphins are a hideous football team with which you should under no circumstances make eye contact.
Yesterday the Miami Dolphins played arguably the most important game at Hard Rock Stadium since, well, when was El Clásico? Fans were treated to a textbook showdown between two winless teams that were maybe, probably, arguably trying to out-suck each other in what can only be referred to as the 2019 Tank Bowl.
Perhaps you have heard the news — the Miami Dolphins are *not* having a superfantastic football season. They are not the greatest football team, and they most definitely are not moving the ball from goal to goal like no one has ever seen.
We now interrupt your regularly scheduled column about the Miami Dolphins for some urgent, breaking, and exclusive sports-related content. A Dolphins fan has done a thing, and you should know about it.
The good news is that on Sunday, the Miami Dolphins looked better than they have all season. They even had a lead at one point! The bad news is the Miami Dolphins have been so bad this season that getting quietly thumped by the San Diego Chargers 30-10 qualifies as progress.
South Florida sports fans have some unfortunate recent experience with ranking near last. Between the Marlins losing 100 games, the Heat missing the playoffs, and the Dolphins doing their damnedest to ensure they don’t win a game again this year, rooting on the local teams has been quite the chore…
Everyone is mad that the Miami Dolphins are bad. The fans are mad. The players are mad. And the national media, most flamboyantly, is mad.
If the NFL counted style points, the Dolphins might have earned themselves a few yesterday. Unfortunately, the NFL doesn’t keep track of how pretty you looked in a 31-6 loss, so the Dolphins are just your normal, everyday 0-3 after their latest loss to the Dallas Cowboys.
Honestly, we thought we would have stopped doing this by now. Tracking the Dolphins’ mission to #TankForTua seemed like a good idea when the season began, but we figured by now there would be more pressing matters to deal with and newsier news to discuss.
Following a 59-10 whooping at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener, most Dolphins fans figured their team wouldn’t find much relief in a Week 2 matchup against the New England Patriots. Most assumed Tom Brady and the Pats’ offense…
Life isn’t fair, but being a football fan in Miami right now is beyond unfair. Between the Hurricanes’ 0-2 start and the Dolphins’ purposely inserting their team into the toilet bowl just to watch it circle the drain (see: 59-10 ass-kicking in Week 1), 2019 promises to be one big wet fart sound if you were expecting either team to contend for anything at all.
You know when you stub your toe and there’s that split-second delay before your body reports back about the level of pain? Well, we all knew the Miami Dolphins were going to stub their toe against the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener Sunday, but it was so much worse than we could have imagined.
Welcome, welcome, Miami Dolphins fans, to your 2019 #TankForTua headquarters.
The Miami Hurricanes’ loss to the Florida Gators in the season opener sucked. Losing the first game of the Manny Diaz era cuts deep, but falling to the Gators has a particular salt-in-the-wound aspect.
Mercifully, Thursday night’s 16-13 preseason win against the New Orleans Saints was the Miami Dolphins’ final tuneup before the new-look squad kicks off the regular season against the Baltimore Ravens at Hard Rock Stadium September 8.
There are many types of Miami Dolphins fans in this world, but they all have one thing in common: an uncanny ability to withstand an absurd amount of annual disappointment while still signing up the following August to ask for more. Dolphins fans are like snowflakes: We’re all made of the same stuff, but none of us is exactly the same.
Hey, did you hear? The Miami Dolphins are in the news again! We’re talking about an actual football game that happened last night on the football field at Hard Rock Stadium, which sits atop an Indian burial site that probably has nothing to do with the franchise’s long-term bad luck and overall failures.
Tomorrow night marks the beginning of a shiny new season of Miami Dolphins football. The home team will take on the Atlanta Falcons at 7:30 at Hard Rock Stadium. Preseason or not, it feels good to look forward to an actual game.
