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Yes, there are the mandatory lavender incense, dancin' bears, black lights, and tie-dye. But there's also a humidifier housing Dominican and Honduran cigars and a mean music selection of bluegrass and jazz greats like Charlie Parker and Billie Holiday. Acoustic guitars, painted wooden flutes, ukuleles, and even a mountain dulcimer offer further testimony to owner Bob Kovner's love of melody. Kovner, who's been in the smoke-shop biz for 18 years, also role-plays as house artisan with an on-the-premises studio, where he crafts sculpture from Lucite, glass, and gemstones. He's so handy that, after leasing the space, he bought a full-size school bus and chopped the front end off by himself. Now its psychedelic façade (think smiling suns and mushrooms) sits center stage, an Uncle Sam-hatted skeleton grinning from a seat. Pipes behind the counter; munchies like sourballs and Skittles toward the back. Chimes, kites, sundresses, harmony candles. A strange trip, indeed.
Best Place to Rent a Ferrari

Unique Auto Rentals

You want to have sex, but you drive a Corolla. And you know that driving a Corolla means it will be difficult, if not impossible, to find someone to have sex with. You need a car that says: "Not only have I made it, but I've squandered a good deal of it on this car, which makes me a very sexually attractive person, don't you think?" What to do? Scrape together a week's wages or so and take it to Unique Auto Rentals. There you will find approximately 35 very sexy cars for your renting pleasure. Unique can put you in a Ferrari 355 Spider for about $1000 a day. Or, if you don't need that much sex, you could rent a Porsche 996 Cabrio for about $400 a day, or a Plymouth Prowler for a little more than $300. The rest is up to you, tiger.
When it comes to styling, most dog owners think in terms of one of those God-awful poodle clips. But real dog obsessives know there is couture for K-9s. This house offers custom-designed pet outfits made by a local woman from all kinds of fabric. You can almost hear the voice-over as the fashion show begins: "Fifi is most charming this season in her wind-and-rain gear that keeps her coat dry and, well, smelling right. The fabric is waterproof, of course, and comes in a wide array of attractive colors. And when spring rains fall, her sleek little hood snaps on. And here comes Millie, rugged and ready for anything in a purple fleece jacket that slips on and off easily with Velcro…." Everyone knows to accessorize with collars, but how about that added touch: "Timmy Holedigger" pet cologne. There's even an oral hygiene product called Oxyfresh if your model is stepping out after a day on the runway. Is she jetting off to Paris for a show? Then you can get transporters and carriers here, along with diet treats so she can maintain that model figure.
Best Vet/Animal Hospital

Simmons Veterinary Clinic

Hello. This is Spotty the dog weighing in on my favorite animal hospital. Paws down that would be Simmons Veterinary Clinic. First of all, they don't make me wait with annoying cats -- dogs get our own waiting room. A vet is on site 24 hours a day, so if I get hit by a car in the middle of the night, my owner can take me to Simmons for immediate treatment and reassurance. They do everything there, from implanting a computer identification chip under my skin to surgery to x-rays to cleaning my teeth. (OK, I confess, I sometimes get doggy breath.) My owner is even enrolling me in puppy socialization classes, where I will learn how to sit, stay, jump, and, um, refrain from accidents. ( I just get so excited!) I don't even mind if my owner leaves me overnight, because this place offers an indoor dog run, a three-acre outdoor exercise area, and online computer visits with my owner. The poor guy can't handle being away from me for a second.
The thing that sets Super Toys apart is that it's one of the few places that doesn't sell Sega Dreamcast or Sony Playstation. You're more likely to find toys that serve some kind of creative or educational purpose, like the popular Odyssey talking globe. Here's how it works: Select a category (such as national anthem or capital city of a country), then place the pointer on any spot on the globe, and the globe "tells" you the answer in a loud voice. Super Toys is also one of the few places where wood is good, as seen in the Swedish Brio and the Thomas the Tank Engine brands. For the bone collector in your young'un, there's the Dueling Dino Dig Archaeological Kit, where you can "Dig 'Em Up, and Assemble 'Em." If your kid's into arts and crafts, the Fortune Kooky Power Bead Kit can help Junior cleanse his aura and achieve spiritual awakening at home. In addition to toys, there are books such as the Homework Helpers series and edible treats like Puzzle-Os potato chips. In general Super Toys shies away from mass-market merchandise. Thank goodness there's not a Barney doll in sight. Then, you ask, what's the deal with the Pokémon stuff behind the register? Well, if one of their regulars repeatedly requests a certain item, it'll be there. Attention to customer service (no matter how painful), along with free gift-wrapping, is what keeps the well-heeled toy shoppers of western Broward County coming back.
Best Place to Buy Antiques

Antique Alley

Heading south on Old Dixie Highway through Fort Lauderdale, a sign to the left welcomes folks to Wilton Manors just before a sharp right curve in the road. The highway then jaunts almost immediately back to the left, but not before a bright yellow sign warns drivers to take the near-hairpin at 25 miles per hour. Dangling beneath the warning sign is one that announces your arrival onto a stretch known as "Antique Alley." Really a sleepy section of Old Dixie Highway just south of NE 26th Street and dotted by auto-repair shops and antiques dealerships, the small strip features some 30,000 square feet of floor space devoted to old stuff. That square footage is shared among ten quaintly overflowing stores, where junk hunters can track down that perfect '50s dining table, antique martini shaker, or Victorian end table. Overlap is inevitable, but each shop seems to have a specialty: Serendipity (9545671954) has 18th- to mid-19th-century furniture, including hand-painted and decorated pieces; Dixie Treasures (954-567-0095) features American, European, and Asian furniture from the mid-1800s to the present; the oddly named Recollections and Pot Luck Cigars (954564-3504) boasts a fully stocked walk-in humidor along with 6000 square feet of collectibles; T. Pletscher Antiques and Art (954-5670054) stocks a large selection of fine art and prints in addition to antiques; Nostalgia Modern (954-537-5533) proudly purveys furniture and home accessories from the Art Deco to disco eras; iron pieces and antique garden furniture are the highlights at Wilting Manners (954-564-7994); and Miller Antiques and Collectibles (9545376061) offers on-site clock repair along with its clocks and glass items.

Best Antiques Store for the Novice

James & Jeffrey Antiques

Intimidated by antiques stores, especially those that don't put the prices on the merchandise? Don't know your Louis XV from your George III? Still can't pronounce art nouveau? It's OK at James & Jeffrey Antiques. The owners and staff like to educate neophytes. Ask them anything; they won't laugh. But maybe you won't have to. Most, if not all, of the information you need -- including the prices -- is clearly written on tags that are attached to the eclectic array of merchandise. For example a piece you might call a "chest of drawers" is described as "a serpentine two-drawer commode with inlaid top and sides, raised on scroll legs, with snail feet, French 18th-century. $6950." But the store doesn't cater only to beginners; it's also where interior designers come to shop, especially for continental furniture, lamps, and accessories -- like the hand-painted ceramic dishes with lids shaped like vegetables. 1950s Italian. $225. It says so on the tag.

Best Place To Get Your Kid's Hair Cut

Snipedy Do Das Kid Salon

Snipedy Do Das takes the scare out of getting a haircut, and it's easy to see why. With three hydraulic animal chairs, a fourth chair hooked up to a Nintendo, and a TV set at every station, what's there to be afraid of? Oh, and don't forget the clubhouse and the toys. According to owner Ally Scudder, they're "all the toys that parents hate." (You know, the kind that make way too much noise or require way too many batteries.) Most first-timers come in here screaming because they don't want to get their hair cut, but the regulars start screaming when it's time to go. They don't want to leave, says Scudder, which is why she set up an adult's chair as well: Now parents can have their hair cut while their kids play with the toys they can't have at home. Basic cuts for kids are $12.95 and come with a ribbon for the girls and gel for the boys. First-haircut packages are $17.95 and include a lock of hair on a certificate and a photo button.
Best Place to Get Fifi a Wedding Cake

Three Dog Bakery

You see all those Jags and Benzes and Beamers on the road and you know there are a hell of a lot of rich folk in South Florida, but until you've been to Three Dog Bakery, you don't know the half of it. Some of these people's dogs eat better than the average middle-class American kid, let alone a starving tot in the Third World. They don't sell doggy biscuits, they sell doggy biscotti. The place sells bagels (they call them "Beagle Bagels" and "Springer Spaniel Sprinkles") and carob cookies ("Dottie Spots") and birthday and wedding cakes. When, you ask, could a dog possibly need a wedding cake? Just before one of these prime, AKC-registered purebred studs gets down to making pups with an equally well bred, handpicked bride, that's when. These people actually hold wedding ceremonies before the consummation. In addition to these doggy baked goods, the place sells its own brands of dog food. Or more like dog cuisine. One brand is made of white meat-only chicken and goes for $30 a bag. Another brand is for the upscale, sophisticated, vegetarian dog and contains real spinach and Parmesan cheese. Hard to stomach all this? Make like Fifi and eat some grass.

Best Place to Get A New Body Without Plastic Surgery

The Balanced Body

Stop by the Balanced Body studio, and you'll see people on contraptions called the Reformer, the Wunda Chair, and the Cadillac (because it's the largest of the machines) -- machines with weights, springs, pulleys, and leather straps that make you think of a medieval torture chamber -- or worse. But the people are actually doing the Pilates (pronounced Puh-LAH-teez) Method of Body Conditioning, and Cecil Ybanez is one of the only certified Pilates Method instructors in South Florida. (Most others are certified in Pilates-"style" methods.) Like the students of Joseph Pilates, who came up with the method in the 1920s, Ybanez's students feel better in 10 sessions, look better in 20 sessions, and have a "completely new" body in 30 sessions. The reason: strengthening and stretching muscles (especially the deep abdominals, lower back, buttocks, and inner and outer thighs) through very precise and controlled movements that are so low impact, you won't even work up a sweat. Private lessons can get pricey, but group mat exercise classes for beginning and intermediate levels are available for $15.

Best Veggie Patch

Park City Farm Market

There aren't many vegetable stands left in Broward County, and there are even fewer where produce is grown on site. But Park City Farm Market is the real deal: Tomatoes, bell peppers, lettuce, strawberries, and okra are all grown here in season. The produce comes from a small patch of land sandwiched between two sites that have been sold and are about to be developed. Unfortunately Park City's plot is up for sale, too, so head out there and get your hands in the dirt while you can. You'll find the market at the intersection of I-595 and Nob Hill Road. Take Nob Hill south and follow the hand-lettered cardboard signs.

Best Mall

The Gardens of the Palm Beaches

The Gardens has the feel of an exclusive, gated community. Manicured rows of bushes shield it from PGA Boulevard, and the discreet signs announcing the mall's presence will be noticed only by those who are looking for them. Otherwise most folks will simply assume it's just another pretentiously named housing development. The Gardens has all the right anchor stores: Bloomies, Macy's, Saks Fifth Avenue (we'll forgive them the downscale Sears); and the predictable mix of chain stores: Gap Kids, Gap Men, Gap Women, Gap Body (don't ask us), Laura Ashley, Liz Claiborne, Waldenbooks, et cetera. But it also has a few shops that seem a wee bit upscale and unique for a crude shopping mall. Like Jennifer Tyler Cashmeres Etc. Or our personal favorite, the quaint Restoration Hardware (the only one in Broward and Palm Beach counties), where you can purchase a $3.50 box of Mr. Bubble bubble bath or a $1300 leather armchair or a Moon Pie, not to mention a cute little plunger for $12 that we're sure will make you feel oh-so-precious the next time your toilet clogs up with excrement and overflows. Go ahead and join the vulgar masses at Sawgrass Mills if you must, but don't say we didn't guide you to a better place.
Best Blast From The Past

Sun Seltzer Inc.

Russ Hoffman has Paul Newman eyes, Hulk Hogan wrists, and the nostalgia factor of Frank Sinatra. He also makes people reminisce just by delivering bottles of seltzer. So, what's the big deal about seltzer? After all, it's nothing but H2O with CO2: no color, no sugar, no salt, no flavor. Supermarkets have shelves and shelves of seltzer, cheaper than Hoffman's. So what's so special about his? Well, first, it's the authentic glass bottles (if it's your lucky week, a deep green). The bottle is three-quarters of an inch thick with 65 pounds of pressure inside; the carbonation can't seep out the way it can through the plastic bottles on those supermarket shelves. Second, the tops are real pewter. Third, the sound it makes when you push the lever: sprzzzzz. Fourth, the service. When was the last time you opened your front door and found a wooden case -- or two -- with six (or twelve) bottles of seltzer? Fifth, what it does for a gin and tonic. Or a New York chocolate egg cream.

Best Shop For A Quick Fix

Smalley's Tire and Auto Repair

It's a mid-Sunday afternoon in June, and our tire is as flat as Florida swampland, the victim of an ill-placed screw. We wage a futile battle with a lug wrench, dripping rivers of sweat onto the pavement for our effort, and contemplate calling a tow truck. Then a wise neighbor offers a tip: Pump the not-yet-completely-ruptured tire full of air and proceed to a tire healer before the thing has time to deflate again. But where to go on a Sunday afternoon? Nobody answers the phone at the half-dozen or so Goodyear outlets in the area, so we drive to a Citgo station on Sunrise Boulevard. Again, no dice. But Nick, as his work shirt identifies him, has advice: Try Smalley's, a few blocks down the road. Good call, Nick. Smalley's is not closed for a day of rest in some deferential nod to the big J.C. It's pretty much bumping. A diminutive tire vulcanizer spots us immediately. "Patch or plug?" he asks. Our dimwitted reply: "You tell us." And in seconds he does, staring down the offending screw, stanching the air flow, and plugging our tire with the automotive equivalent of a Band-Aid. The price? $5. See if you get that kind of deal at Goodyear or Don Olson Tire and Auto Center.

Best Adult Boutique For Couples

Sugar & Spice Fantasies, Inc.

Everything nice, indeed. Sugar & Spice stocks plenty of couples-oriented midcore porn tapes mixed in with heavy-duty bondage and fetish films. The movies, however, occupy their own room, as does the store's huge inventory of sex toys. This means that couples shopping for intimate playthings needn't do so under the voyeuristic gaze of straight-up porn pervs. The two rooms are at opposite ends of the shop; in the middle resides a full selection of lingerie, leather, and other sexy clothing items for him and her (mostly her). With so much at your fingertips, you're bound to find something to satisfy. As they say, variety is the spice of life.

Ballsy Super Cock. Manhandler. Double Header. The names of these dildos might sound a tad intimidating, but this store is anything but. No dingy yellow exterior paint job, no peeling XXX decals slapped over blackened windows. Instead customers get an almost record-shop ambiance: gray-speckled rug, chrome accents, and the latest Garbage CD spinning from an unseen stereo. Sure, the stock here includes B/D/S&M (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism) must-haves like latex whips, training leashes, ball gags, and handmade deerskin floggers, but the store also offers cheesy bachelorette faves like edible undies, chocolate body sauce, and pussy lip gloss. There are also adult mags, varied porn videos, and short breathless reads like I Was a Teenage Dominatrix, but the real standouts are the Box's fetish wear, lots of which is designed and tailor-made by husband-wife owners Sean and Denise Newman. The entire right half of the space is devoted to latex cat suits (powder up and put 'em on), Italian leather pants and minis, hoods with zippered eyes and mouths, and Chinese silk corsets guaranteed to shave four inches off the waist. Color selection? Mostly black, of course.

Best Place To Buy A Birthday (Or Any Occasion) Cake

Flakowitz Bakery

If you think you're too old or too sophisticated for those gooey, flowery birthday cakes you used to get as a kid, you're probably right. And anyway, they cost a fortune and taste terrible. But at Flakowitz's you can get the Rose Cake, a minimalist's dream come true: rich, dark, hard-chocolate icing on the outside, with one perfectly formed rose in your choice of red, yellow, blue -- even a purple the color of Elizabeth Taylor's eyes -- in the center. The inside is yellow cake with chocolate buttercream filling. Mmm, mmm. The Rose Cake is not just for birthdays, though -- the bakery staff will write anything on the cake, for any occasion. And at $6.99 for a six-inch and $8 for a seven-inch that serves eight, the price is right, too.
Best Gift to Leave Behind

Legacy Videos

We don't mean to be morbid, but all of us are going to move on to the hereafter eventually. But after an eventful and full life, how will you be remembered? Leaving your personal history behind when you die is one way. Maybe you're one of those people who loves to listen to your grandmother tell what it was like in "the old country" (or before there were computers), and you swear that one of these days you're going to write it down. How about videotaping it? At ARC Video Productions, Penny Cohen and her brother, Steve Almes, will do it for you. Their legacy-video concept evolved from their own loss -- the death of their father. As an offshoot of their corporate marketing and training videos business, they decided to produce legacy videos -- people's life stories that they could pass on to future generations. Cohen and Almes tape the up-to-two-hour video in the customer's home or in the living room set at their video studio. They have a list of questions that they -- or a member of the family -- can ask the interviewee, or the interviewee can talk extemporaneously. Or it can be a little of both.
Best Cowboy Boots

Trader Jim's Boot Outlet

Florida, dontcha know, is one of the largest beef-producing states in the country, with a cowboy tradition that invented crackers. Not the crackers that Polly eats but whip-crackers who chased cows and wore, yup, leather boots. The best place to buy that culturally essential footwear is Trader Jim's, where the long aisles offer roughly 8000 pairs of boots and a smell of new leather that will make you long to put your butt in a saddle. A few saddles are scattered around, and the usual peripheral apparel is for sale -- bola ties and belt buckles the size of the Panhandle, for example. And the folks here are friendly, too. They'll fit you into something either comfortable enough to wear to the mall or real enough to fit a stirrup. You can buy boots made in a variety of snakeskins, including water moccasin, rattlesnake, and boa, or you can get lizard, ostrich, alligator, shark, or plain old bullhide boots. The prices? Well, shucks, you can get booted for less than $100 or more than $1000, depending upon your needs.

Best Kids' Clothes

The Salvation Army Super Store

The trouble with kids' clothes is that kids continually grow out of them. About two months after you shell out $100 for clothes at Old Navy, they'll be tight at the seams. Then they'll be relegated to the bottom drawer, and from there it's on to a younger sibling, a garage sale or the thrift store. Smart parents just skip the retail level and head straight for the secondary market -- the garage sales and thrift stores -- where little-used, name-brand kids' clothes are cheap and plentiful. There was much rejoicing among thrift-store aficionados last fall when the Salvation Army opened its Super Store on Broward Boulevard just east of I-95. Clean, well-organized and brightly lit, the Super Store is Saks Fifth Avenue for the tightwad set. There is an excellent selection of boys' and girls' duds, and you'd be hard-pressed to pay more than $3 for any single item (though shoes might run you $4-$5). You're guaranteed to walk out with a bag full of clothes for less than $20. And remember -- you're under no obligation to tell anyone where you got the stuff.
Best Place To Buy Marine Supplies

West Marine

Two types of people frequent marine-supply stores: those who already own a boat and those who wish they did. For either a trip to West Marine is an enlightening experience. Both Fort Lauderdale locations are big stores stocked to the gunwales with everything from boat sandals, line, and global positioning systems to heads, radios, and dinghies. (They even sell bikes, though we never did determine what differentiates a marine bike from a terra firma one.) If you own a boat, you already know that this stuff isn't cheap. The old saw is that you can take anything, slap a "marine" label on it and double the price. That may or may not be true, but when we saw winches on sale for $800, we decided to keep dreaming for a bit. Meanwhile, you'll find us loitering in the aisles at West Marine, fondling the macerator pumps and marveling at the price of anti-fouling paint.
Best Nursery

Living Color Garden Center

This nursery is so high-quality it draws landscapers from as far away as West Palm Beach and attracts celebrities like Dan Marino. But we find it the best place to unwind -- without any chemical assistance. Stroll through row upon row of hundreds of different flowers, from yellow dandelionlike Euryops to satiny magenta New Guinea impatiens. Then listen while the wind plays a symphony on dozens of chimes and water gently trickles down numerous stone waterfalls, all of which are for sale. The nursery, set on 21 acres, scours Homestead farms and plant shows for unique sprouts and orders from Costa Rica and Puerto Rico. The vegetation it can't find, well, employees concoct themselves: The nursery is awaiting a patent on a leafy plant with a white-and-pink bloom that resembles exploding fireworks (called the Brandon I, after the owner's son) There are also hand-painted clay pots, artistic metal flamingo figurines, 25-foot palm trees, sundials, and wrought iron benches engraved with roses.

Best Place To Buy Meat

Cattleman's Meat Market

Meat. Red, bloody, artery-clogging, protein-laden meat. Sometimes you just gotta have it. Grocery-store offerings are fine for feeding a hungry brood, but when you want melt-in-your-mouth meat, the kind that attracts envious stares over the fence from neighbors when you slap it on the barbecue, you need a good butcher shop. That's where Cattleman's comes in. They have all the lamb, beef, pork, and poultry you could possibly want; they know how to cut it and cook it; and they'll wrap it up neatly in butcher paper for you. The guys behind the counter even wear red aprons. But what really sets Cattleman's apart is its corner-market atmosphere. Part deli, part supermarket, part butcher shop, it looks like something straight out of a Chicago neighborhood. You could pick up a nice sirloin, a couple pounds of Belly Buster links, some fresh ground chuck, a hunk of good cheese, a bag of chips, a jar of fat deli pickles, and some good bologna, all in one place. Then you'd be livin'.
Best Place To Test Your Manhood

Barbecue Superstore

Hot 'n' Horny. Lawyer's Breath. Flamin' Balls. Acid Rain. Psycho Bitch. PMS in a Bottle. These are just a few of the more than 400 hot sauces that make up what customers at the Barbecue Superstore in Weston have dubbed the Wall of Pain. It seems manufacturers of the fiery condiment compete for the cleverest, funniest, or most fear-inducing name, and it's fun just to browse among the little bottles to see the names and the corresponding cartoonish pictures on the labels. But don't bring the kiddies. A whip-wielding dominatrix dares you to sample Pleasure & Pain, and we'll leave the illustration for Monica's Down on Her Knees to your imagination. A bowl of tortilla chips is on hand -- the better to test the hot sauces, as well as the dozens of barbecue sauces the store sells. Surprisingly they're not all as tongue-scorching as you might guess; some, like Psycho Bitch, are even on the sweet side, mixed with mango, raspberry, and other fruits. Of course, we decided to pass on the one with a skull and crossbones and the warnings "Keep Away From Children" and "Skin Irritant" on the label, as well as the one in a red firecracker-shape box, complete with wick. Call us wimps.
Best Place to Buy One-of-a-kind Furniture

Jane Loves Cheap Furniture

Jane may love cheap furniture, but she loves her daughter, Jackie, more. Otherwise she would never have financially backed Jackie's dream-that-would-probably-only-last-a-summer six years ago. After four years of book-cracking, Jackie graduated from college with a degree in social work -- and discovered that she'd rather be dealing with furniture than clients. Jackie takes well-made (real wood, not pressed wood; solid wood, not wood veneer) furniture with a past and brings it into the present by giving it a new look: tropical, seaside, cottage, Mediterranean. You never know what you'll find here: an old oak teacher's desk with a pull-out platform perfect for a computer that Jackie has given a distressed look in soft white; a two-drawer trunk, perfect at the foot of one's bed, that Jackie has hand-painted with black hearts and the words to a 13th-century love poem that begins, "In your light, I learn to love…"; a corner cabinet done in MacKenzie-Childs- inspired colors and funk. And those are just three reasons to love Jane's -- and Jackie's -- cheap furniture.
Best Place To Buy A Whimsical Gift

J.Miles Off Las Olas

When Jerry Miles reopens his eponymous store on May 28, the name will be slightly different -- and the prices even more so. (All merchandise will be 50 percent off retail, all the time.) But the whimsy for which Mr. Miles has been heralded, on and off Las Olas, remains the same: wind-up nuns; stick-on "panic," "eject," and "duh" keyboard button covers; ballpoint pens that look like hypodermic syringes; Trailer Park Barbie dolls; and Willie Wonka T-shirts are just some of the wacky items you'll encounter here. More wild and crazy merchandise arrives weekly.
Best Health-Food Store

Bread of Life

Oh sure, there's kelp and vitamins. But there's also organic wine, dolphin-safe tuna, herbal cat collars, nonaerosol air fresheners, eyestrain-reducing light bulbs, triple-milled pure vegetable soap, and eggless egg salad, as well as hormone-free, antibiotic-free chicken, eggs, and milk. Not to mention an organic salad bar and produce department, packaged sushi, a bakery featuring flourless sugarless chocolate cake, and a prepared-foods department featuring turkey meatballs, Scandinavian shrimp salad, and roasted squash with fresh sage and garlic. This is Publix plus Walgreens for the health-conscious and environmentally aware but with perfectly stocked shelves and the kind of customer service normally found in chichi boutiques. "We haven't had it in a while, but I'll put in a request for it immediately," one "team member" said when a customer requested turkey salad with grapes. Prices range from a little more than average (99 cents for a can of tuna) to outrageous ($6.39 for one healthy light bulb). But then who ever said a pure body and a clean conscience come cheap?
Best Place to Find What You Never Thought You Could

Gooding's Goodies

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is the motto here. This is the place to find everything -- including the kitchen sink (and the faucets, counters, cabinets, and appliances, too) -- at 10 to 40 cents on the dollar. So, if you've been thinking that you're stuck with a ho-hum kitchen or bathroom because it's so expensive to remodel, think again. The high-end real-estate renovation business is booming, which puts Tom Gooding, owner of Gooding's Goodies, in an enviable position. What someone no longer wanted could be exactly what you've been seeking for your home-renovation project -- but couldn't afford. Until now. Like the JennAir cook top that costs $1200 to $1400 new. Barely used in some fancy-schmancy Palm Beach manse (those people eat out), it's $225 at Gooding's Goodies. Gooding hasn't even been in business for two years, and he has had to move three times. The reason: too many goodies, too little room. Even now, with 10,000 square feet of space (up from 3800), the new place is bursting at the seams with about 80,000 items that Gooding has rescued from oblivion. It's called salvage merchandise, but that has the connotation of rusted plumbing fixtures sitting out in front of a doublewide, and this place is anything but. Gooding's store is not only air-conditioned, the merchandise is so well organized you'll feel like you're shopping at Burdines. They have drawer pulls and cabinet handles for 25 cents -- instead of $5. You'll also find oldies-but-goodies from the late 1800s to early 1900s: leaded-glass windows, carved wood doors, and a huge selection of claw-footed tubs (they're very "in" these days) from the 1920s. And what you don't find today, you'll find tomorrow. Three to five truckloads of stuff get dropped off every week.

Best Flea Market

Festival Flea Market Mall

Wear comfortable shoes and have some patience while negotiating the more than 800 stalls and stores crowded into this indoor mall. A cross between a flea market and a mall, the place is usually packed with bargain sniffers. At least 90 percent of the customers are elderly retirees, and New York accents abound (conversation overheard: "Morty, you're trailing behind me, and I'm gonna lose you -- do you wanna sit down for a while?"). It's not just the prices that draw all the customers, it's the incredible variety of goods in one place. There are stalls dedicated to everything Lucite; New York pickles in barrels, flown in twice a week; bonsai trees; cigars; leather; jewelry; incense; clocks; Russian dolls; pastries; all the latest infomercial gadgets, including the world's best showerhead; toys; sunglasses; shoes; clothes; pens; bags; and a bunch of other stuff you probably don't need. You simply will not leave without a plastic bag filled with purchases.

Best Erotic Art Gallery

Eros Loft at Adult Video Warehouse

If you can make it past the graphic porn-video box covers and giant plastic dildos on the ground floor of the Adult Video Warehouse in Pompano Beach, the paintings and photographs in the upstairs Eros Loft won't shock you at all. On the contrary the feel up here is tastefully titillating. From nude paintings that exude a kind of curvy, Vargas-like innocence to tame but naughty Coney Island skin-flick posters from the early 1900s (such as Kuddling Kuties, $200) to artful, homoerotic black-and-white photographs, Eros Loft has something for all tastes -- except absolute prudishness.
Best Men's Clothing

Men's Wearhouse

In 1973, entrepreneur George Zimmer opened his first full-service men's clothing store in Houston. There clueless occasional dresser-uppers, junior executives, and flashy head honchos alike found a tasteful selection of name-brand suits and sportswear -- plus a knowledgeable staff to help coordinate their purchases. Men's Wearhouse now boasts some 560 stores in the United States, with outlets in Canada and Puerto Rico; it also owns the Botany 500 men's clothing line. Combine that with the company's sheer purchasing power, and you end up with prices you just won't find at department stores. (A Hugo Boss selling for $1300 elsewhere was a bargain here recently at just $700.) The friendly salespeople will help you mix and match jackets and pants into multiple configurations, giving you even more for your clothing dollar. And once you've had a suit altered, additional stitch or seam changes are done for free. The pièce de résistance: free lifetime pressing at any location.
Best Bike Shop

Lee's Locksmith & Bike Shop, Inc.

Besides the nostalgic aroma of bicycle grease and rubber, the silver bike bells, the sparkling spoke-streamers, and the bunny squeeze-horns, one of the grooviest things about Lee's is its staying power: It's been dealing wheels for 54 years to locals, tourists, and transients alike. At Lee's there are cycles for eeeeverybody: high-end mountain bikes, red-glittered banana seat Schwinns, adult tricycles, rental beach cruisers, even a candy cane-colored replica of a '60s Western Flyer. Used bikes are stacked outside by the rear parking lot and start at $30; inside the shop new ones begin with a C-note. Check out the mannequin sporting a flame-painted helmet and vest that rides high above the store on a Jamis Boss beach cruiser. The shop also boasts on-the-premises bicycle mechanics and a full-service lock shop with 24-hour emergency service that rescues those who've left their keys in parts unknown. Lee locksmiths are angels of mercy: They're nice, they know what they're doing, and they actually arrive within 30 minutes of your 3 a.m. drunk-and-desperate call. Imagine that.
Best Florist

Adam & Eve Florists, Inc.

Bright colors adorn the walls at Adam & Eve -- purple on one, very French-looking royal blue with yellow stripes on another. A potpourri of scents is given off by fresh-cut flowers and boxes of candles. Between the visual effect and the olfactory one, the atmosphere can be quite soothing, to say the least. But don't get too relaxed -- presumably you're here to buy a special something for a special someone. Choose from flower arrangements set in a glass-block display dominating the center of the tidy shop or inside the row of glass-front refrigerators along the back wall. If you don't see what you're looking for, don't worry: Adam & Eve is a full-service florist, so the staff can put something together for you on the spot. And if you need anything to go along with the flowers -- say, a get-well or make-up gift -- you're covered there, too. Floor-to-ceiling shelves are filled to overflowing with gewgaws of all sorts, including flower vases and small pots made of black wrought iron or glass, picture frames, candleholders, and candles, especially the highly recommended, super-strong-smelling fig variety.

Best Computer Store

Gateway Country Stores, Inc.

With its high ceilings and murals of grassy fields and gigantic cows, you feel you're walking into a barn when you enter a Gateway computer store. (The décor alludes to the company's South Dakota roots.) The service is country friendly, too. Employees greet you as you enter and offer to walk you past several computers on display in the front. The store custom-builds computers it manufactures, therefore they take seven to ten days to receive. And shucks, training is offered on the premises -- a three-hour introduction to a Windows course is $49 -- and the service department is open from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Saturday for all sorts of questions and troubleshooting. Gosh.
Best Place To Rediscover Your Jewishness

Shabbos For a Novice

Does this sound like you? You were bar or bat mitzvahed a decade or two ago, and you've basically never set foot in a synagogue again. Well, you're definitely not alone. But now you can commiserate with others just like you (couples and singles in their twenties and thirties, most of whom grew up in Reform or Conservative homes) at Friday night Shabbat dinners, held at various Boca Raton restaurants every six to eight weeks. Says Pam Pardo Plotkin, one of the founders of Shabbos For a Novice, "We're trying to spark a little Yiddishkeit -- a little Judaism -- in a Jewish person." You'll light the candles, say the blessing, sing a few songs, slurp a little chicken soup, drink a little wine. And if you're single, who knows? The next time you set foot in a synagogue could be for a wedding -- your wedding. (Your mother will be so pleased.)

Best Vintage Clothing Store

Deco Dermots Antique Clothing & Costumes

This shop's big-ass collection of poodle skirts alone makes it the heavy hitter of recycled threads. Stitched to the front of long and flouncy fabric, the little yippers' likenesses come in sequins, felt, rhinestones, and lamé. Venture farther into this jam-packed shop, and your hankering for the hard-to-find and one-of-a-kind is satiated with stuff like faux leopard fur, red satin circus tutus, mahjong-tile bracelets, glittering Mexican sombreros, pink-feathered cancan pants, rubber masks, and the back glass of long-gone pinball machines. And that's just for starters. For those chained to their computers, some wares can also be purchased online via www.ebay.com and www.utauction.com, but we recommend the live experience. What good is thrifting unless you get that sensory experience by running your hands all over such cool stuff?
Best Dry Cleaner

Pride French Cleaners

We don't know if Pride French Cleaners can get that wine stain out any better than other dry cleaners. It's not magic owner Dhansukh Tailor is selling, it's old-fashioned, neighborly customer service. D, as his customers call him, greets you with his dazzling smile, a hello, and a joke, and he has even been known to give discounts to customers who get parking tickets while waiting on their clothes, not to mention impromptu neck massages to the stressed-out, all while Dr. Laura preaches on the radio in the background. A Hindu, Tailor also loans out books on metaphysical healing and teaches meditation for free nearby. Oh, and the cleaning is cheap and satisfactory. But Tailor makes you feel so special -- he treats you like a friend, not a client -- that's almost beside the point.
Ready to expand your knowledge? Get to Bob's. The store with the mundane name has plenty of the standard, benign fare like TV Guide, Time, and the world's newspapers along with the best-selling, schlocky books like The Celestine Prophecy. It also has trade books on everything from architecture to rare German coins. It's the other stuff, though, that makes Bob's a great place to go, the exotic items that are usually caught and disposed of by mass-marketeers. After all, who wants to read some self-serving crap about a rich and famous celebrity when you can check out The Big Book of Losers, which contains the "pathetic but true tales of the world's most titanic failures"? They have Playboy, but doesn't The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women sound a little more interesting? For do-it-yourself drug users, there are books on cultivating marijuana, making amphetamines, and an opus on mushrooms titled Psilocybin Production. For all you wacky neo-Nazis, there's Mein Kampf. And for the serious aspiring terrorist, there's Sniper Training. Fetishists also have a wide selection from which to choose, including a collection of pictures of nude women holding baguettes. You get the picture.

Best Bargain Haircut

Florida Barber Academy

The draw is the price: $3. The last time we saw a haircut that cheap was way back in our childhood days when we'd pass a hand-painted sign on the side of some dirt road advertising a crew cut for a couple of Washingtons. If you're really feeling the need to be pampered, settle in for an old-fashioned hot shave. The extravagant price: $5. Granted, the Florida Barber Academy is not for the faint of hair. You're rolling the dice with a student barber who may have about as much experience cutting hair as your mother did when she sat you down in front of a mirror as a kid and butchered your golden tresses. There are bound to be a few sliced ears and crooked bangs. The students are closely supervised, though, by experienced barbers, and the old hands don't hesitate to step in when things get, well, hairy. Another nice perk is that the student shop is open every weekday until 10 p.m. Still not convinced that the Florida Barber Academy is for you? Try this: All of the (admittedly meager) profits go to programs that help feed the homeless.
Best Barber

Gateway Barber and Stylist

How many heads of hair has Joseph Dixey, proprietor of Gateway Barber and Stylist, cut? By his own estimate, more than 200,000. When he started out in New York City more than 40 years ago, barbers still dressed all in white and would give you a trim for under a buck, with enough change left for a draft on your way home. Barbers still used hand clippers and believed singeing hair was a smart idea. For the last six years, Dixey has plied his trade in the Gateway Shopping Center, where, at $15 a haircut, his services are a little more expensive than those at the average barbershop. But the extra coinage is justified by the reassurance that you'll never walk out wondering if you can show your face at work the next day. If you feel the need for additional pampering, try the $25 hand shave. It's a meticulous, old-school process that involves three razors, numerous hot towels, cocoa butter or lemon cream, and too many other steps to name. Dixey is one of the few in town who bother anymore. Still not convinced? Take a gander at the silver medal that sits on a shelf. It's from the 1979 "Coupe du Monde de la Coiffure," which apparently is the World Cup of hair-cutting. Dixey, representing the United States in the 33-country competition, placed second in men's hairstyling.
Best Day Spa

Massage Therapeutics Spa

It seems odd that such a cozy oasis could sit just a few yards from Federal Highway's constant truck-rumbling and horn-wailing. Leave the concrete carnival behind, scoot up a pebbled sidewalk, and enter Massage Therapeutics Spa. Water pings along the plateaus of a tabletop stone fountain, and flowers, terra-cotta pots, and a mammoth brass sun welcome visitors seeking refuge from workday deadlines and office schmoozing. This full-service spa offers everything from algae and mud body wraps to aromatherapy and facials. But the sweetest deals here are the spa's massage specials. Sixty bucks buys you a brief but fortifying eucalyptus steam bath and an hour's worth of a full body massage, complete with dim lights, scented oils, and New-Age flutes cooing from hidden speakers. Get ready to float out the front door afterward.
Looking for good prices on your favorite CDs? Look elsewhere. The DJ Store is a one-stop shop for devoted turntablists. Here they can find the latest dance mixes on vinyl and CD, plus mix tapes and CDs by upcoming local jocks. And the shop offers just about anything else a DJ might need to ply his or her craft: entire setups of turntables, mixers, and microphones, as well as accessories such as replacement needles, headphones, and DJ bags for carrying plastic and gear. Demonstrations and impromptu jam sessions are commonplace, creating both a party atmosphere and good networking opportunities for local mix-masters. No need to put a spin on this place -- it speaks for itself.
CDs, being the semi-indestructible medium that they are, have a lot more cachet as recycled music than records or tapes ever did. Plenty of savvy entrepreneurs out there have picked up on this fact and are now wheeling and dealing in preowned CDs. And while CD Warehouse has a misleading name (its locations are actually rather small, individually owned retail outlets), what sets it apart from the other shops is its great system for putting music lovers together with long-lost discs. Need a copy of that old Ted Nugent or Prince favorite but don't want to shell out for a brand-new copy? Ask nicely and a CD Warehouse staffer will plug your name into its computer database along with your wish list. When a copy of the album in question is brought in for trade by another customer and the title is entered into the computer, someone from the store will actually call you and tell you it's there if you're next on the list. You then have two days to pick it up before it goes out onto the shelves. The only problem is that the computer systems at the various stores -- in Fort Lauderdale, Davie, Pembroke Pines, and West Palm Beach -- aren't networked, so you have to request a title at each one to increase your odds.
The digital age has brought the hottest gaming technology right into our homes, so who needs an arcade these days? The truth is, some technology is still just too expensive for Joe Consumer. That's what gives the Escape an edge. The 132,000-square-foot fun zone boasts a megaplex cinema, four theme bars, a restaurant, billiards, and shuffleboard. Old standbys such as air hockey and pinball are in the lineup alongside racing and fighting video games. But virtual-reality rides set the place apart. Beneath the escalators sit the two Max Flight simulators, which for $5 a pop let riders buckle in and create their own virtual roller coaster ride, complete with 360-degree turns delivered with stomach-churning reality through the magic of hydraulics and computer simulation. Across the way in the Star Theater, roller coasters are also popular. Viewers strap into seats in a darkened room in front of a full-size movie screen and enjoy a haunted roller coaster ride in Superstition, with Elvira hosting while computer graphics whip your mind through hairpin turns and over precarious ledges and motorized seats make your body believe it. Similar scenarios play out in Kid Coaster and Smash Factory, and in Speedway viewers find themselves at the wheel of a racecar. The movies, $5 each, run throughout the day. Watching all of them can get expensive, so opt for the wristband -- $6 to $12, depending upon day and time -- which allows you unlimited rides and shows.

Best Wine Store

Fernanda's Vintage Winery

John Weber is a man who takes his wine and his words seriously. He's found his dream job at Fernanda's, running the international-food store's winery. There he oversees a good-sized collection of wines from all over the world and writes down his recommendations for customers. And he buys the rare stuff, like a case of Nuit St. George's La Perriere, a wine that comes from a red pinot grape that has mutated over the decades to produce a white wine. In South Florida you can buy it only at Fernanda's, and a bottle goes for $79.99. But Weber is no wine snob. He keeps plenty of good but cheap wines in stock, including a plethora of fine Spanish reds that start at $6.99. But what we like about Weber is that he writes accurate descriptions about many of the bottles. A wine dummy feels right at home there and learns a lot in the process. A Buena Vista sauvignon blanc, he writes, is "bursting with youthful, clean taste suitable for a picnic or a cocktail party." That's practical information. Our favorite description was of an Italian red called Bindella. Weber first tells us that the bottle retails for $24.99 but was now going for $17.99. Good so far. It has an "interesting 'berryish' quality," he wrote. "Ripe and plummy nuances of red and black fruits gently waft up from the glass." That sounded wonderful, so we bought a bottle. And damn if it wasn't berryish. There was definite wafting going on, too.
Specialty record-and-CD shops typically stock cutting-edge titles and know the needs of customers, but they can't compete on price with large chains that buy bulk -- albeit bulk of the mainstream variety. Enter behemoth Best Buy, which may lack the cozy feel of the corner record store but is nonetheless a music buyers' dreamland, offering premium prices and selection. Aisle after aisle of CDs stretches out before eyes wet with tears of joy, eyes that can lead their owner to sections for any taste: country, jazz, classical, rock, rap, electronica. Rows are also devoted to movie soundtracks and compilations. And no matter what your music of choice, you'll find the latest releases on special at $12.99; that's $2 cheaper than Best Buy's regular-price discs, which in turn are a couple bucks cheaper than the competition.
Best Limousine Service

A Better Limousine Service

If you're going to be ostentatious, you should go for it and do it in real class. Which is why we like this place -- they'll rent you a 1952 Rolls Royce, one of the oldest for-hire limos in Broward County and one of the quietest cars ever made, too. This Rolls jumps off the company lot like a princess off a pea-bump mattress. The car is white with a burgundy interior and air-conditioned. It's a lovely, long-bodied thing with a square roof and a grill that looks regal. The company offers soda and ice, a "Just Married" sign, a bottle of complimentary champagne with glasses, and a tuxedoed chauffeur to ferry the marrying kind, all at no extra cost. If you have to, you can also rent the newer, bigger stretch limos -- eight-seat or ten-seat Lincolns -- here. But nothing beats a Rolls.
The aroma of candles, incense, and scented oil hits you as soon as you walk through the door of this quaint, crowded little shop. Indeed, boxes of candles and a rack of incense can be found amid the piles of knickknacks and accessories that spill from arrangements stacked on frilly beds with wrought iron frames and dark-stained antique furniture (in one case, an ancient Singer sewing machine and cabinet). And candleholders of every description occupy shelves next to scented soaps and modern, stainless steel burners in which to ignite pungent aromatherapy oils. But there's so much more at Jezebel: Antique hats line the soffit near the ceiling along the left side of the store, while dainty parasols and bumbershoots mirror them on the other side. New novelty items, like Virgin/Slut toiletry kits with appropriately labeled red and blue soaps, are displayed alongside vintage cocktail jewelry and newly manufactured collectibles such as Elvis lunch boxes, while freestanding racks display funny and risqué greeting cards. Near the back of the store is the clothing department, which is packed tight with racks of dresses, shoes, and a hearty selection of Hawaiian shirts.
Best Store For Fishing Gear

Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. That's only a scaly bit of what you'll get at this Parthenon-size homage to the great outdoors and retail. You'll also view native fish like largemouth bass, tarpon, and snook gliding around the store's 30,000-gallon pondlike tank. The fishing and marine section of Bass Pro reigns supreme for anyone who's ever longed to land the big one. If you don't believe us, just ask one of the store patrons who stand mesmerized before television sets running pretaped fishing shows at all hours. For real. Poles start at $20 and soar up to 600 smackers for a state-of-the-art Braid trolling rod. Flats boats, Igloo coolers, global positioning systems, more than 7000 lures, and frozen bait like ballyhoo and squid lie just a credit card swipe away. If you're less interested in catching than in eating, the adjacent Islamorada Fish Company hawks dolphin, grouper, yellowtail, and seasonal Florida lobster that's shipped in daily at 5 a.m. from the Keys. Buy some to go, or feast at the in-house restaurant. Then stroll over to the International Game Fish Association museum next door and OD further on oceanic motifs and galleries devoted to fish, tackle, catches, and sport records. The museum also sports a mini four-acre wetlands, a library, and a mammoth stainless steel swordfish out front, just in case you missed the message that this place is a virtual fish funplex.
You can get Cohibas, Arturo Fuentes, and Macanudos at just about any cigar shop. It's only at the Cigar Factory that you can find a Fidel Castro, complete with the dictator's picture on the wrapper. Of course, the Fidel is a strong and brutal smoke. But does it signify anything politically? "Just a good idea to sell a lot of cigars," says the Cigar Factory's manager, Juan Carlos. But the Cigar Factory has a lot more than expert gimmickry going for it -- it has Jorge sitting silently behind a pile of tobacco, where he rolls up one sheer beauty after another. Just five months ago, Jorge came from Cuba, where he learned how to roll from the best in the world. He doesn't speak English; his cigars do all his talking for him. And in that sense, he's one of the orators of our time. Of the eight Cigar Factory brands, we tried the mild ones, Morejon y Cuesta and Cuba Habanos USA. Both are truly incredible smokes. The plump, fresh, perfectly packed tobacco made for seriously satisfying chomps, and the 'gars burned obediently, evenly, quietly, and patiently. The orange coals behaved like turtles, hiding inside the cigar, waiting for you to pull on them. Only then did they release the aromatic, smooth, damn near sultry white smoke of tobacco born of Cuban seeds and grown in the Dominican Republic. These are as close to real-life Cuban cigars as you can get (legally). Fidel can go to hell. Long live Jorge.

Best Ploy To Get People To Buy A Faltering Daily Newspaper

The Herald's Sunday Broward edition fire sale

The big red X marks the spot for savings! And what a bargain it is. Where else in this great country of ours can you get a doorstop of a newspaper for half a buck? It used to cost 75 cents, but in a transparent effort to stanch the circulation loss north of the Miami-Dade County line, the mighty Herald can now be had for a song. Don't read it? You're not alone. But the price is very right -- the Dade edition costs a buck! So buy an issue or two and use them to line your birdcage, train your puppy, or make lots of those cool hats newspaper printers used to wear while tending to the giant presses.
Best Bookstore

Barnes & Noble Booksellers

Sure, there are plenty of mega-bookstore chains out there with a great selection, decent prices, and a helpful sales staff. All things being equal in those departments, however, we prefer a place that also offers a great cup of coffee and a goodly amount of sumptuous overstuffed furniture in which to lounge while checking out possible buys and sucking down said java. For such a combination, we turn to B&N, where the house coffee is that ultimate in Seattle brew, Starbucks, and comfortable seating abounds. The book selection ain't bad either.
Best Used-Book Store

Trader John's Book & Record

This place has everything a used-book store should have: prices penciled inside well-thumbed covers; the warm smell of leather, ink, and paper; and books piled on blue milk crates, stuffed in shelves, flapping from racks, and strewn across countertops. The hand-painted sign above the door welcomes browsers, and Trader John's means it. You could spend an entire rainy April afternoon tackling Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury and no one would bother you -- or even notice, for that matter. The store's hodgepodge of genres includes mysteries, classics, reference books, fiction, and the occult. There's even a rare-and-collectibles section in the front offering tomes dating from the late 1890s to the early part of the 20th Century. The store's selection of vinyl records and videos is just as eclectic: Ovid's The Art of Love neighbors the Three Stooges' Jerks of All Trades in the front window display. Don't let Paco, the large gold Labrador sprawled by the entranceway, deter your rummaging. He belongs to the owner and is somewhat of a book hound himself.
Best Liquor Store

ABC Fine Wine & Spirits

More than simply a repository of all things alcoholic, this megamart of mirth is party headquarters. It's also something of a bookstore, but more on that later. Before shoppers catch sight of a pint, fifth, or gallon of their favorite go-juice, they have to pass by a combination stationery store/ deli/gourmet food shop. Nothing comes across as a more thoughtful gift than booze, and ABC lets you give in style with a fine selection of bottle-shape gift bags and an assortment of greeting cards. Need a bottle of Jim Beam Barbecue Sauce to spice up the grilled chicken? How about caviar, salsa, pasta, sauces, meats, cheeses, bar utensils, or glassware? ABC has you covered in all of those departments, too, and the place features a large, walk-in humidor full of fine cigars to boot. The glassed-in stogy area sits across the store from the entrance, and to get there one must wade through a sea of wine selections, all neatly racked and organized by type. Along the back wall, a row of cooler cases keeps the large selection of brew, including plenty of microbrews and imports, cold. All the ingredients are certainly here for a blowout party, but if you need help putting everything together, check out the kiosk of books. Titles such as the Harvey Collins Drink Guide and The Entertaining Survival Guide: A Handbook For the Hesitant Host can boost your skills as a classy party purveyor. Finally, if you need something to make you feel better about imbibing, pick up The French Paradox & Drinking For Health, wherein author Gene Ford espouses the health benefits of moderate drinking.