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Best Strip Club

Scarlett's Cabaret

Strip clubs usually stick to a basic formula: stage + pole + alcohol + naked chicks + free buffet! So what makes Scarlett's Cabaret the best? "It's almost like going to a concert," one fan says. "The music, the lights, the fog machine!" The consensus seems to be that other strip clubs either fall into category A, wherein the girls think they're too hot for the clientele, thus making the whole experience disappointing and frigid, or category B: just plain skanky. Scarlett's fills the comfortable niche in between. "The girls are fun," says... well, everybody. Which includes the couple from Jacksonville that was leaving at
7 a.m., the drummer who was supposed to be playing a gig across the street but could not be dragged away from the girls, and a couple of yacht captains who had just spent all their money, proving for the ten-hundred-gazillionth time that boobies make men do dumb things.

Best Place to Play Pool

George's Billiards

The needs of pool players are few: a quality table, cheap beer, and a place to smoke. George's brings all of that right to your dexterous little hustling hands. There are ten pool tables for the standard game, along with two pocketless billiards tables for those who understand why there's a table without pockets. The tables are nicely spaced, so you aren't bumping ass with your neighbor or poking holes in the wall with the butt of your cue. The dim lights and great service make it a relaxing atmosphere to shoot some eight-ball or nine-ball. Classic rock plays at a respectable level from the jukebox, unless the young waitresses get ahold of the remote; then it's time for the top-of-the-charts remix. But either way, the $1 Bud Light drafts make up for it. From the bar, regulars drink and watch your game carefully and wonder if you're worth their time. You probably aren't, but what the heck -- rack 'em up.

Best Biker Bar

Nothin' Fancy Bar and Grill

Led Zepp tattoos, handlebar mustaches, and skullcap bandannas: That kind of biker symbology you can find just about anywhere. What really counts at a biker bar worth the title are two fundamentals: babes and brawls. Nothin' Fancy's girls are the real thing: tanned and leathery with wind-beaten, low-lidded stares that look straight through you to an asphalt horizon. On Saturday nights, one gal is stationed at the door to welcome you off your hog with a winsome smile and a rusty wink, and by the time you've gotten yourself a seat beneath one of the bra bouquets that dangle from the ceiling throughout the bar -- all C or D cups, rest assured -- a different hoary venus is by your side, pressing her twin helmets into your chest and making sure your tank is full. As for brawls, Nothin' Fancy has the finest: In 2004, it made the news when a patron attacked three customers with a baseball bat, only to be stopped cold when one of them, a permit-packing gun-toter named Kevin Kelly, shot him in the stomach at point-blank range. The attacker, John Nicol, later got off scott free when a Palm Beach County jury acquitted him of aggravated assault and battery, which means he can belly up to the Fancy bar any one of these nights. You can't get much more authentic than that.

Best Gay Bar

New Moon

New Moon
New Moon's unchallenged reign over the Fort Lauderdale lesbian scene is an inclusive one -- every day of the week, a family-style neighborhood hangout and a lesbian meatmarket coexist within its walls, lubricated by a steady stream of fine wine, live music, and an occasional bump 'n' grind on the pool table or a drag king show. On a recent Monday night, behind the sedate older couple enjoying a quiet birthday party, the denim-clad ass of a vamping pool table nymphet sways provocatively. Behind the bar, the bartender pours out shots, one for herself and one for a woman who squeals that it's her birthday and that she wants a boob job. "Let's find the short girl with the neck piercings!" yells a tall woman to no one in particular as she barrels by en route to the broad patio filled with chrome-colored furniture. She causes barely a ripple in the cozy Sapphic dimness. But the illusion of anonymity is just that, because a visit to New Moon is akin to punching your card at the nerve center of dyke Fort Lauderdale. If you're new, before the night is out, someone will invariably ask you where you're from. They usually explain: "You can't be from around here if I've never seen you at New Moon before."

Best Place to Meet Single Women

Dada

Excuse me, sir, but I noticed you're at Dada at least once a week, and I have to ask: What is it that brings you back so often? Is it the dinner menu? The fine wine? The arty ambiance? "Uh, yeah, that's nice and all. But..." Oh, right -- it's the live music. Saturday is an especially happening night. "No, it's the..." Wait staff! I knew it. They're very personable. It's almost like they're hanging out with you. "Dude, you're not listening. I like all those things. But, well, just look over there... and there. And... let's see... ah, right there. See the pattern? It's the women -- young, attractive, and not hampered by the presence of oafish boyfriends. There's something about Dada's club-and-restaurant combination that gets me. Sure, everyone's officially there to dine. But really, it's all about being seen. And boy, do I like what I see." Well, I guess there's no arguing that. Anyway, good luck. Just make sure your prospective date really is single. Getting body-slammed on those patio rocks doesn't exactly tickle.

Best Place to Meet Single Men

The Treasure Trove

Treasure Trove
For this one, the female staffers of New Times had to choose between journalistic integrity and our own selfish instincts (i.e., letting other women in on our secrets). Lucky for you, we went with integrity and decided to divulge our man-trap. But note that we did not call this category Best Place to Meet Rich Men or Best Place to Meet Commitment-Minded Men. We just said single. Because of its location on Fort Lauderdale Beach, the Treasure Trove is a treasure-trove of lifeguards, boat captains, kiteboarders, and dive masters -- especially on "Taco Tuesday" (two-for-one tacos!). Because they have just come back from sea (even if it was just for two hours), these guys are looking for a little company of the female persuasion. While a dude named Catfish Hunter plays laid-back tunes on guitar, these gentlemen will regale you with stories about going through the locks of the Panama Canal and show you where the Marquesas Islands are by drawing a map on a napkin. They're likely to sport a tan and muscles and, if you're lucky, a Spanish or South African accent. In some cases, they've come straight from work, smelling like diesel fuel mixed with suntan lotion, a potent brew. Because they have to sail to the Bahamas tomorrow, they might not buy you a diamond, but they will certainly get you a Sierra Nevada or three, and a sleepover (on a boat!) isn't out of the question. No, you won't regret it in the morning, for you will have discovered the lair of a fun-loving, adventurous, chivalrous bunch.

Best Place to Meet Intelligent Women

Sushi Blues Café

Sushi Blues Café and Blue Monk Lounge
We like smart women, so we felt we'd hit some kind of jackpot when we started hitting Sushi Blues Café. What is it that draws the brainy girls to this Hollywood eatery? Maybe it's the delicious sushi. Maybe it's the drink specials. Or could it be the blues itself -- a storytelling kind of music appreciated by the literate among us? Whatever the draw, we've noticed that the ladies at the long curved bar aren't shy about engaging in a refreshing meeting of the minds. And on the weekends, the smart set swells as live music takes the tiny stage. High IQs, reasonable prices, great food and music -- hey, what better setting to meet someone with a beautiful mind?

Best Place to Meet Intelligent Men

Adult art classes at the Fort Lauderdale Museum of Art

Museum of Art Fort Lauderdale
If you're looking for a man a cut above your usual monosyllabic tits-and-ass bandit, go where the IQs are higher. Instead of stalking the reading room of the local library, which has nothing but newspapers on sticks to break the ice, enroll in a studio art class at the Fort Lauderdale Museum of Art. You can bet that the men who prefer to spend their evenings improving their brush strokes are going to be more likely to talk Beckett and quantum physics than baseball and beer. They can't hide from you in the intimate setting of the MoA's adult education studio classes, which are kept small so that the local artists who will teach you figure drawing, watercolor, and painting can work with each student. Plus, you'll find that a paintbrush is an excellent replacement for a pint of brew when it comes to giving you mojo -- it's amazing how easy it is to talk to the guy at the next easel if you have a question about shading or need to sharpen your pastel. Sex is already in the air: Nothing is more erotic than squeezing oil paint onto a palette or pondering the best way to render the curve of a nude model's breast. And you have plenty of time to lay the groundwork -- you'll be in the same small room with some of the area's most intelligent men for ten whole weeks.

Best Place to Meet Single Men Who Own Boats

Tiki Waterfront Sea Grill

Tiki Waterfront Sea Grill
A girl's gotta have standards. The guy who works on the boat is nice and all... but we know you want the guy who owns the boat. That's why you need to think like fishermen. When they go out to catch fish, they go to the place where the critters feed. When you're out to catch a boater, get yourself some bait (i.e., a bikini) and go to the place where he docks and dines! Specifically, the Tiki Waterfront Sea Grill at the Riviera Beach Marina. It's where many a good gent with healthy wallets can be found enjoying some sort of rum concoction and an order of Bahamian-style conch fritters with spicy remoulade sauce. With Peanut Island in the background, a live band fueling the party, and boats as far as the eye can see, your chances here are good. Real good.

Best Place to Meet Single Men Who Own Yachts

Club Y

We're not calling you a gold digger, but we know you can't mess with someone who can't afford you. Sister, if that's how you roll, that's how you roll -- with your Louis Vuitton bag and your Prada shoes. The man you want knows where you're coming from (the mall), and he's waiting for you -- in Club Y. Why? It's the only proper nightclub on the island, open until 3 a.m. and featuring DJs, high-end liquors, a late-night menu (mmm... sushi at midnight!), and a sexy, young clientele. Don't be intimidated by the Benzes and Jaguars outside. Self-made millionaires and trust-fund boys need love too.

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