Shopping & Services

Some people are born with green thumbs. In David McLean's case, he was born with emerald hands. His garden — an Eden just south of downtown Fort Lauderdale — is brimming with all things tropical, lush, and fragrant. McLean is a master at growing what grows best in South Florida and is happy to share his knowledge during his popular "walk and talks" on the first Saturday of every month. Through the seasons, you'll find native tomatoes and blueberries, thornless blackberries, and Okinawa spinach for sale — all of which will thrive in your own garden with a little love (and some of McLean's advice). But if the last of your Everglades tomatoes dies in the swamp of summer, fear not. You can still get your fix at the 11th Street Annex, a restaurant literally surrounded by the garden that serves some of the edibles McLean grows. Talk about farm to table.

(After this item was printed, New Times learned that David McLean passed away June 5 at age 79. In lieu of sending flowers, please plant something native in his memory.)

Sure, you could send your kid to a normal camp, one of those sunny compounds with a Native American name that is ironically full of white Jewish kids. There, he'll shoot arrows, erect tents, get tick bites on all areas of his body, and do all that other typical camp stuff. What fun. But do you want your kid to be just like the others — some sunburnt little thing who knows how to fashion a weapon out of a flat rock and a blade of grass? Or do you want your kid to be different? Well, the Fort Lauderdale Children's Theatre specializes in different. While the rest of those smelly little terrors are busy building a fire out of their parents' antique furniture, your kid is going to be dancing, singing, and acting. Imagine it. Your own little Jean Valjean putting on one-man shows when the power goes out. For kids in grades 2 through 10, the FLCT's summer camp will teach all aspects of theater, from acting to stage design. And at the end of the program, campers put on a real live play with costumes, sets, and pizzazz for their families and friends. Send your kids to the Fort Lauderdale Children's Theatre. You owe it to your furniture.

For almost 30 years, Cinema Paradiso in Fort Lauderdale has been the home of FLIFF — the Fort Lauderdale International Film Festival. This monthlong fall festival is no slouch, playing films that are making their world premieres or have played only at Cannes; films that will go on to win Academy Awards and the fawning adulations of movie critics and film students. The rest of the year, Gregory von Hausch, president and CEO of FLIFF, and his team carefully curate the weekly offerings of films you won't find anywhere else in South Florida. Cinema Paradiso's home theater is tucked behind a parking garage on the south side of the New River — a spot you'd never find if you weren't looking for it. The former church was there long before most of the rest of modern downtown, and you just don't move out of a building that cool for any reason. But this year, the theater expanded to a second, more easily found location in downtown Hollywood. This new spot is located within walking distance of bars and restaurants. "It's close enough [to the original location] for us to manage and far enough to reach a new audience that wouldn't necessarily be willing to journey to Fort Lauderdale a couple of times a week," von Hausch says. "And Hollywood is kind of central to gain traffic from Dania and Miami. We do draw people from those areas for FLIFF, so we figured they would be interested." Though the second location is actually a little smaller, with 110 seats, better daytime parking allows for matinees and more screenings. With this second location, both FLIFF and Cinema Paradiso are sure to continuing growing, bringing brilliant independent film to a public overloaded with blockbusters.

There are plenty of hotels for well-heeled socialites armed with martinis and red-lipped smiles who are hunting for husband number two. But Lago Mar is designed for that well-heeled socialite after baby number two. Located just off the main A1A strip in Fort Lauderdale, the comfy hotel has the bay in its front yard and a private beach in its back. And though the accommodations may seem a bit mundane, the beach will play center stage for the Broadway-caliber play that is your Fort Laudy beach vacay. There are multiple pools where little children come to get wet and big kids can swim a few laps. Tipsy moms will drool over volleyball-playing musclemen; Grandma can try to live through one more vacation at the shuffleboard court; and hubbies will blow off some new-dad no-sex steam at the tennis courts. Probably the coolest thing about the family-friendly hotel is the Soda Shop downstairs. It'll give you a chance to gorge on pizza while your kids get high on ice cream, and Nana can talk about the old days buying soda at Woolworth's for a nickel. Lago Mar offers something you once thought impossible: a chill family trip.

Girls rule; boys drool. That's the sorry lesson to be learned in the water closets of Coastars, the coffee bar at the heart of Lake Worth's South J St., AKA Little Bushwick. Owners Chris Palacio and Liz Brach figured they had a crowd of young creative types on their hands and said, Hey! Let's leave pens and crayons in the restrooms and see what our young geniuses come up with. What could be bad? But their fond hopes came half-undone. The boys sank to the occasion, rock-bottom, Greyhound-latrine style, unleashing their inner yobbos in crude and filthy texts about body parts and fluids. The girls, however, rose to the occasion, poetically and philosophically. Their walls are even now festooned with instruction and mystery and wit: "Please be responsible for the energy you bring into a room," says the graffiti. "There's gold beneath the highway." "Now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can't even cry." "The guy at the counter is cute." Visually, symbols and caricatures are smattered through the lettering for an intricate and sprawling rainbow mash to rival a Persian miniature. Will J Street's boys redeem themselves one day and put their restroom walls to better use? Maybe. But they'll have to bring their own crayons. Chris and Liz took theirs away and scrubbed the walls clean.

A 15-year-old Heat fanatic's wish to be a Miami Heat broadcaster. A 6-year-old's wish to go to Alaska. An 11-year-old's wish to meet Taylor Swift. These are just three of the 9,000 wishes Make-a-Wish Southern Florida has granted to children with life-threatening medical conditions over the past 30 years. That's one wish every 16 hours. It takes a special person to look heartache right in the eye and find hope; Make-a-Wish Southern Florida is full of such people. For 30 years, the organization has consistently refused to shy away from some of the toughest cases around, providing happiness to those who haven't seen it in some time.

Dear Humans,

I write to you on behalf of myself and all the other cats at Abandoned Pet Rescue. First and foremost, I hate you. You're all stupid. Your ignorance with respect to the appropriate time and duration of belly rubs makes me want to regurgitate more than just hair. If you were before me now, I would dig my claws into your silly hairless flesh and laugh as you screamed in pain. While my hate for you is strong and fiery, it is not the reason I write this letter. I write to tell you about a small but exceptional group of humans who run Abandoned Pet Rescue. They are truly tails above the rest. I've been here for a year now, and during that time, I've encountered some of what are no doubt the warmest blankets on this planet. My naps have been both long and uninterrupted, and despite that one time they stabbed me in the butt with a long metal stick, my time here has been decent, which — in the cat world — is high praise. Visit these people. Donate to their cause. And please, for the love of God, please come and adopt Pickles. I hate Pickles. He is stupid, and I'm tired of looking at his dumb face in his cage as he sits in the cage across from me. That is all. I hate you.

— Ferguson

Volume One isn't so much a bookstore as it is a big fat Valentine to South Florida bibliophiles. Walking into the store, which is slotted into a strip mall in West Broward, you're immediately surrounded by unruly stacks and cartons and shelves and leaning towers and skylines — of books. Literally, it's like walking into a maze built entirely of preloved literature. And it can be just as confusing getting around inside the cramped store, considering how well stocked the place is. But the real value in Volume One is that the quality on hand matches the quantity. You can walk into any used paperback slinger to pick up a well-thumbed edition of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, a spine-cracked Life of Pi, or a shoebox of Agatha Christie titles. Volume One, however, is filled with as many gems as the sea floor after a pirate wreck. Looking for a first-edition hardcover of Albert Goldman's 1981 Elvis Presley biography? You'll find one here. A little-circulated collection of James Agee's prose? Check. Alma Guillermprieto's dispatches from Latin America, The Heart That Bleeds? It's on the shelves. The clerks at Barnes & Noble would just drill a confused look into your skull if you asked about any of these titles. That's why when your reading habits are off the bestseller list, Volume One is where it's at.

Geeks are cool. And the coolest of the geeks in South Florida know there is only one place that will satiate their unrelenting thirst for all things comic book and anime. Serving comic book fans for a daunting 21 years, Tate Ottati says opening Tate's quickly turned into the best decision of his life. The 6,000-square-foot Lauderhill location is a flagship store selling action figures, comic books, cool toys, and Japanese snacks. But wait, there's more. Upstairs, Tate's wife (who was once a regular customer) has made her dream part of the story by opening Bear and Bird Boutique + Gallery — a funky gallery that focuses on wall-hanging-worthy art and monthly events. Opening a second location in Boynton Beach arose out of necessity: the throngs of geeks who cannot get enough of the magic from just one Tate's store.

Style. You either have it or you don't — or you have a whole lot of it and you open a boutique. That's the reality for Paula and Laurie Newlands, sisters-in-law and joint owners of StyleNest, a self-described "designer-inspired fashion boutique." Since 2011, StyleNest has been bringing unique and celebrity-inspired fashion to Lauderdale-by-the-Sea with the bonus commitment to keeping prices reasonable. Like any successful fashion boutique, it has established an online following and does booming e-commerce business in addition to in-store. Keeping with its hip and affordable attitude, the site even features an "Under $25" section you will want to live in forever. Though based out of Florida and heavy on our palm tree vibes, StyleNest knows how to appeal to a national audience and keeps everyone on her toes with the announcement of new arrivals.

This dainty little Palm Beach thrift shop just down the way from tony Worth Avenue is a testament to the trickle-down theory of furnishings and fashion. Recycling the castoffs of the elite resort enclave's Mr. and Mrs. Money, designer label clothes are a mainstay of the store, as are upscale versions of the household goods and bric-a-brac common to thrift shops everywhere. With its ritzy donor base, vintage and highly collectible books and toys not infrequently appear, so Antique Road Show types have the Church Mouse on their regular to-do lists. An adjunct to Palm Beach's Episcopal Church of Bethesda-by-the-Sea, the store generates as much as half a mil annually, distributed to local nonprofits. Won't you feel good about that in your "gently used" (the store's preferred term) Lilly Pulitzers?

Boca's Premier and Personal Touch Dry Cleaners keeps you so fresh, so clean, and most important, so worry-free about dropping your cherished belongings off at the store. The friendly service and reasonable prices keep you from feeling like you've been, um, taken to the cleaners when you leave the cleaners. Its website always has discount-coupon offers, or you can sign up and get on an email list for specials. The relationship between a customer and his or her dry cleaner shouldn't be complicated. Easy parking, fair prices, and quality service are pretty much what make up this experience, and Boca Premier and Personal Touch Dry Cleaners excels in all these areas.

This mall is branded "the largest outlet and value retail shopping destination in the United States." And it's right, judging by the fact that it takes 30 minutes to buy one pair of shorts at the Calvin Klein outlet on a Monday at 8 p.m., even with five cashiers hustling faster than a Chipotle assembly line. Here, a chorus of languages carries into every corner of more than 2.3 million square feet of retail space. After all, it is an international destination, where tourists fresh off a Port Everglades cruise will spend nine hours filling the luggage they just bought at the mall to the brim with top-of-the-line duds from brands like Armani, Jimmy Choo, David Yurman, and Versace, all at outlet prices. There are even shopping carts, kiosks where you can exchange currency, and a U.S. Postal Service office near the SuperTarget for those who exceed their airline's checked-bag weight limit. It's so labyrinthine that even we locals have to use a map to navigate to the nearest Cinnabon (there are two, by the way). And God knows we're going to need our energy as we carry our dozen bags of everything-was-half-off-we-couldn't-resist back to the car we parked on the third level of the Burlington garage. But lucky for us, if we can't make it through the entire mall, there's always next weekend.

So you bought a boat. Good for you. Did you hear the one about the two best days of a boat owner's life? How about what "boat" actually stands for? Or the hole-in-the-water line? If you did, then you'll soon learn that the annual Dania Beach Marine Flea Market is your new Christmas. It's so good that grown men with carts will be running down the aisles bright and early on the first day of the sale (usually held one weekend only in early March each year) lugging off new Furuno radars before you even get a foot inside, because the line is already halfway down the Mardi Gras Casino parking lot, and you underestimated its popularity by showing up a half-hour late on opening day. Here you can buy everything from bilges and bumpers to complete motors and props for your new baby. But it's not just a by-boaters, for-boaters type of sale. There are endless booths with snorkeling gear, fishing tackle, décor, apparel, food, and artwork celebrating the salt life. Every March, hobbyists from around the state come to hawk all things marine for what amounts to the world's greatest garage sale, complete with the haggling and walk backs and panicked telephone calls to your uncle telling you: "DO IT! Deals like this don't come around that often." And they don't, so you should listen to him.

Once an ordinary outlet mall, Festival Flea Market Mall changed its name and reason for being in 1991 and has become a one-stop shop for buying things you would never expect to take home with you. The indoor air-conditioned space boasts more than 500 merchants offering to peddle you furniture, clothing, jewelry, rugs, toys, contraptions, knickknacks, and paddywacks. While the chaotic format of the market will make it a challenge if you enter with something specific you wish to buy, if you are a shopper who vales the thrill of an unexpected discovery, there is no place better. If you get hungry during your search, there is a fruit and vegetable market as well as a diverse food court offering everything from bialys to gyros. Open every day of the year but Thanksgiving, weekday business hours are from 9:30 to 5, with weekends granting you an extra hour of treasure-hunting, with the mall staying open until 6.

In our world of Kmarts and Targets, big business has sucked the fun out of shopping. Little Timmy is no longer excited for a Sunday trip to Walmart, where he'll shuffle through fluorescent aisles, surrounded by dozens of bland, marked-down products and giant butts squeezed into electric scooters. And can you blame him? Poor Timmy. Gone are the days of eager anticipation, of wondering what gems he'll discover hidden in a secret corner of the store. These days, the most exciting thing he'll find is an unconscious old man leaning against the ramen noodles. Timmy needs to go to the Swap Shop. And when he gets to the big yellow Lauderdale landmark, he needs to go to the second floor, make a left at the arcade, and walk until he finds the Swap Shop's greatest stand — until he finds... the Man Cave. There, Timmy will find rows of samurai swords, axes, specialty knives, manly posters, and ninja stars. The Man Cave sells some of the coolest things you'll never use. Is it unnecessary? Sure. But so was going to the moon. And we did that for the same reason the Man Cave exists. Because it's fucking awesome.

They say you can read into a person's soul by peering closely at his or her... couch. Let's test it out: My couch has a layer of Cheetos grime, is propped up where one leg should be by a stack of unpaid student loan notices and grad school applications, and has a perfectly sized indention of my ass (Game of Thrones binge). If you guessed I'm a highly successful, well-balanced adult male with an active social life and vibrant sex drive, of course you are 100 percent correct. But the couches you'll find at Fort Lauderdale Mia Home Trends? These puppies each look like they should constantly be draped with a French model/chanteuse who will compliment your latest short story and ask for another whiskey sour, mon chouchou. The store specializes in right-angle heavy modern furniture, the building blocks to any chic home. From beds and couches to dining room tables and loungers, Mia Home is the place to pick up body holsters with some Continental pizzazz. Plus, the joint handles designs and staging, which in chic-speak means it has professionals who will make your house no longer look like it houses feral wildebeests. The prices run a little high, but fret not, budget ballers. Mia Home has furniture rental.

Could porn videos be the new vinyl record? They're something tangible. There's artwork, liner notes, an ability to play it back as many times as you want. Even better, they come with a pause button. Too bad there aren't as many places where you can go browse the shelves for you and your mate's date night (YouPorn be damned). But Booby Trap Love Stuff dedicates an entire upstairs to digital smut. Ignore the wood-paneled walls and burnt-orange shag carpeting and delve into cl-ASS-ic titles like Bi-Bi Love #11, There Will Be Cum, and Tonsil Train. Plan on having a family movie night before the real fun starts? There's a remarkably large selection of standard fare films — all on VHS — that little Dick and Jane will enjoy. But for something a little more hardcore than The Preacher's Wife or Regis Philbin's My Personal Workout, stick to the front of the room.

Why do kids love Disney World? They love it because when they step through the turnstile and the sea of people parts, they don't see just an amusement park. They see a world — an endless land of fun, stretching as far as the eye can see. They won't get to do it all. There will no doubt be rides that go unridden or candy uneaten. But the possibilities are endless. And that's exciting. In 15 years, that kid will step into Total Wine & More, and the same feeling will wash over them. They will look over the rows and rows of beers, surely some they've never even heard of. Then they'll get to the wine, gallons of reds, whites, all eager to find a home in a stomach. And just when they think they can't take anymore, when their knees start to shake from joy, they'll stumble into the liquor section. From beer and winetastings to educational classes, Mickey Mouse ain't got shit on Total Wine & More.

Precious moments deserve celebrating. And nothing says "I love you" or "Congratulations!" like a fine display of flowers. But if you're going to drop some serious cash on a floral arrangement, go for unique style and forgo that mass-produced, cliché-looking vase. Keep it classy. That's what the folks at Plantation Florist know best. The design-driven and family-owned business offers a gorgeous bouquet selection. Take for example, the "Fashionista Bloom" ($69.95 to $89.95), which consists of a glass vase wrapped with green taffeta and tiny pink ribbons. Green hydrangeas are spruced up with yellow, light pink roses, and gerberas, mixed with pale yellow carnations and green chrysanthemums. Splurge on the striking "Lush and Lavender" ($108.95 to $127.95) to really impress that special somebody. This fun arrangement features mini lavender roses, cool-looking leaves, and purple stock placed in a white, mod vase.

"Family-owned business" doesn't come to mind when pulling up to a garden center at a corporate retailer like Sears. But Wonder Gardens is just that. Owner Roxie Pelliccia has grown her business for more than 25 years in a nook at the Westfield Mall, along with help from son Lenny. They're happy to guide you to what grows best in Florida's summer sun, and you'll find them propagating new seedlings to sell during a weekday afternoon lull. Wonder Gardens carries a variety of ornamentals and edibles — from bleeding hearts and bougainvilleas to mangoes, figs, and eggplants — that look way more vibrant than the crop for sale at any other big-box store (and are cheaper too). Plus, i sttocks the soil, pots, fertilizers, and décor that will help you transform your garden from plant cemetery to sanctuary. If you've ever dreamed of actually going 'round the mulberry bush in your own backyard, here's where to start.

It's a DIY place, handmade, a labor of love as much as a commercial establishment, and that's what we love about Local Smoking Domain. A rickety haven of closet-like rooms in an undistinguished strip mall off South Dixie Highway (with just a few hand-painted signs out front, it's easy to miss), LSD offers the full gamut of paraphernalia common to head shops everywhere. What sets it apart is the intense artistry of many pieces — brightly spackled glass pipes and bongs of shapes from The Arabian Nights or out of high-tech space probes — and the gentle, solicitous air of owners Courtney Hoekstra and Clint Zimmer, who clearly see da kine as adjunct to a life of — that hoary old saw — peace and love. A Pete Seeger memorial concert poster gazes down from one wall; fliers for a cannabis business conference sponsored by legalization hero Bobby Platshorn are scattered about. Bobby's been an inspiration for the shop, Clint says; Old Left icon Pete would surely bless the purity of the cause.

If surfing ate a pot brownie, became a vegetarian, and started doing yoga, you'd have paddleboarding. In recent years, you may have noticed an increased number of people standing up in the middle of the Intracoastal, seemingly gliding their way across the water like a trendy Jesus. You may have also noticed a shared facial feature on all these aquatic saviors — a big ol' smile. That's because the paddleboard is like a big buoyant pill, a cure for the stresses of land life. If you live in South Florida and you've still never been, shame. But don't worry. You can change that fact at Sunrise Paddleboards. From private group lessons to tours of Fort Lauderdale and even fitness classes, Sunrise Paddleboards is ready to prescribe your needed dose of chill. Sunrise Paddleboards knows everything there is to know about surfing's laidback cousin, offering rides on the beach, in the Intracoastal, during the day and at night. This is the closest you'll ever get to being a manatee. Unless you keep eating all that pizza.

What happens under the sea? Well, besides singing crabs and mermaid love stories? Do you know? You don't have gills, so probably not. Oceans cover a vast majority of our planet, yet — to us — they remain mysterious. What if we're missing out on dolphin concerts or crab wars? What if there is some type of undiscovered bottom-dwelling oceanic species of worm that poops gold and chocolate? Don't we owe it to ourselves to find out? Yes. Yes, we do. And the first stop on your journey of aquatic exploration should be Fort Lauderdale's Underseas Sports. Not only does it have all the gear you need to find this new gold-poopin' worm but the folks there will teach you how to use it too (the gear, not the worm). Underseas Sports offers an array of classes and certifications, from the most inexperienced of beginners to professional-level master classes. And once you know how to not die in the water, they'll even take you on a dive trip to cool local reefs or even the Florida Keys. Since 1971, Underseas Sports has helped make our planet a little less mysterious. And, one day, they're going to find that goddamned worm.

Any tackle shop with a taxidermy hammerhead shark sprawled atop its roof is worth its weight in one-ounce sinkers and fluorocarbon leader. Such is the case with Carl's. Packed inside the 1,334-square-foot store is everything from lead-head jigs for your snapper rigs to electric reels for the next great white shark they catch off the coast. You can dream about hooking up with one of their Star rods while they service and respool your Penn. Fifteen minutes in Carl's and you'll have your live shrimp, bonito hunks, and a net for when you score that ten-pound red grouper you've been waiting for. And here's a bonus: You can snag your ice and brews from a convenience store next door. Fish on.

It's hard to keep a smile on your face when your job entails working in beating sun or pouring rain, covered in fish blood, squid slime, and salt for hours at a time. But the mates aboard Catch My Drift do just that while keeping lines tight and bait buckets full on each of their 8:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m., and 7:30 p.m. drift fishing trips. A $40 ticket includes rod and reel, tackle, bait, and a fishing license for the trip (but not the tip... hint, hint). On extended Saturday-night trips ($50), you can spend six hours onboard snagging as many yellowtail and red snappers as the chum slick can lure (within the law, of course). For the squeamish, they'll gladly rig your bait while regaling stories of the fish that got away. And for those who would rather eat fish than catch them, you can enjoy the South Florida skyline on the 85-foot boat's upper sun deck. Just remember to lean over the rail when you chum. No, not the upper rail.

On a sunburnt stretch of asphalt at Dixie Highway and Commercial Boulevard lies Bicycle Spot. This is a store for any bicyclist, not just the kitted-out, Lemond-crazed velodrones. Owner Peyton Walters stocks tons of used bikes along the storefront for beginners and recreational riders and keeps the snazzy stuff inside. Have a stubborn bottom bracket stuck in your project frame that not even your mechanic friends can crack? Peyton, the Thor of South Florida's bicycle scene, will have it loose with two blows of his hammer. And chances are he won't charge you for it, since in the meantime, you'll probably have picked out some new LED lights, a floor pump, and a helmet (why didn't you already have one?). That's what keeps customers coming back every year: great service and selection from down-to-Earth folks who know what they're doing.

Davie car dealer

Honest island in a sea

Of bastard shysters

Let's be honest, choosing a car wash is the definition of a First World problem, but that doesn't mean you should go just anywhere when that problem arises. IShine Car Wash in Boca Raton isn't just some car wash — it's a club. While some places charge an arm and a leg for a single wash, IShine actually gives you the option of paying monthly, giving you unlimited washes all month for a flat rate ($22.95/Supreme, $32.95/Ultimate) when joining the "IShine Club." The family-owned wash also offers unbeatable $3 car-wash specials every "Wacky Wednesday" as well as $3 washes during its Happy Hour and Early Bird designated times throughout the day. The spacious and well-manicured building has plenty of places to chill out while your car is treated to some state-of-the-art spa treatment, and their service is friendly and as fast as you can drink a free cup of coffee.

Two main things come to mind when it's time to find the right mechanic: cost and honesty, two things Jackson Performance makes sure are not a worry when you drop off your car. Jackson Performance does everything from transforming your car into a Fast & Furious-worthy well-oiled machine to handling your quick, basic fixes that always seem to pop up at the worst imaginable time. Its prices are competitive and reasonable, and its service is second-to-none, making you sure your car is in the best hands possible. When you arrive at Jackson Performance, what it specializes in is obvious: elite fabrications. Unlike other places that may have five guys changing tires and oil when you roll up needing an engine rebuild, Jackson Performance specializes in the big jobs, so you can be sure the folks there know what they are doing when you're in need of a major repair. Located in the heart of Pompano Beach, Jackson Performance is the place to go when you need a mechanic.

A cigar isn't just something you smoke when you're on vacation. It's not just something stoners cut open and stuff their weed into. The cigar is a way of life. The cigar is a culture. Somewhere along the way, we forgot that. We started selling factory-made cigars in gas stations. We started chomping on them like gum. We lit them and puffed away because we thought it made us look cool. We killed the cigar. Or did we? If you look closely, you'll see a crack in the cigar's coffin. And through it floats a thin pipe of gray smoke wafting toward the sky. If you follow that smoke long enough, you'll find yourself standing on the patio of Cuenca Cigars in Hollywood. Take a seat. Enjoy the sun, and let one of Cuenca's friendly staff help you find the perfect — not just most expensive — cigar for your palate. Order an espresso, light up, and take it in. Meditate with your cigar; let it teach you about patience and luxury. The cigar still exists. And it's a beautiful thing.

Polynesia-island décor, rockabilly, and the undead are not exactly three aesthetics that blend smooth as coffee, cream, and sugar. But for the past six years, Kreepy Tiki has pulled it off, becoming Fort Lauderdale's most interesting place to get something memorable burned into your arm. Really, the shop's whole raison d'être is about gluing together businesses that you wouldn't expect to complement one another. Boutique clothing with a tattoo parlor? Sure, why not. Throwback island vibe coupled with retro Rat Pack attitude? Give it a shot. Owner (and former tiki carver) Jackson Valiente and his crew of artists have never been afraid to shake things up. As a result, they're the most creatively reliable in the business.

To hell with you kids and your MP3s. Chuck your iPods. What's a Spotify? Get out of here with that weak sauce. The only real way to listen to music, the true audio experience, is vinyl. And the best locale to scoop up used vinyl in South Florida is Top Five Records. Located in downtown Lake Worth next to the Propaganda concert venue, the store is the baby of John O'Keefe, a longtime vinylhead who opened the doors with his own collection of 50,000 records. What sets the store's stock apart from the beat-up discs you'll find in most dustbins or lawn sales is the quality. O'Keefe is a fiend about presenting only the best preloved music, so you can walk away from Top Five sure the vinyl won't cough or skip on the player. But don't show up looking for the new St. Vincent, Grizzly Bear, or any of those other nostalgia-soaked vinyl releases you pick up at Urban Outfitters (you hipster scum, you). The store specializes in the classic-rock sounds from the '60s and '70s, with a special sweet spot for blaring, raw-throat soul and head-tripping psychedelia.

One of the benefits of yoga is you can do it anywhere. It requires very little equipment — not even a mat if you've got a good towel or a comfortable surface. The only thing you really need for yoga is your body, your breath, and your mental presence. But let's face it — having a cool, Zen-like space helps a lot. YogaFox in Delray Beach provides just such a space while focusing its teaching on what's truly important. Located on Federal Highway just north of the happening downtown area, YogaFox has the comfortable and homey air of, well, a private home but all the Nag Champa, Tibetan-prayer-flag aesthetic you're looking for. Gaze up at the open, wood-beamed ceiling as you lie in savasana or meditate on colorful tapestries as your legs tremble to hold Warrior II. It is the most perfect place to do yoga in South Florida — with the possible exception of the Ganesha Garden out back, where special classes are held under the open sky. YogaFox teaches all levels of classes, from beginners to teacher training, as well as cohosts the annual YogaFest in downtown Fort Lauderdale along with the Yoga Joint Studio.

Gyms can be a drag. Sure, you want to be able to fit through doors, but is it really worth putting up with all the crap you face at a gym? The guy who won't stop staring at you. The sweaty man who keeps flicking sweat into your face as he dances to Lady Gaga on his elliptical. The jungle of locker room penises (all no less than 80 years old) that you have to all but machete your way through on the way to the urinal. It's easy to see why TV and potato chips usually win the battle. But what if I told you there was a place where working out could actually be beautiful — crunches and squats all done under the Florida sun, mere feet from the salty waves of Fort Lauderdale Beach? Well, turn off the TV and throw out the potato chips (OK, have one more first), because that place exists, and it is known simply as the Gym at Fort Lauderdale Beach. What was once an oceanfront hotel on Fort Lauderdale Beach eventually turned into a gym. We can go on about the smoothie bar or group exercise classes, but what really makes the Gym special is the rooftop workout area with a panoramic view of the Atlantic Ocean and the Intracoastal Waterway. Isn't that better than creepy Chad staring at you while you do jumping jacks?

It's a family affair, blood relation or not, and the family keeps growing. It started in 2005, when Sara Turk, a spirited young woman from suburban South Florida, and Alberto Conceicao (formally, Contra Mestre Betinho), a Brazilian-born master of capoeira, the deeply musical and flowing Afro-Brazilian martial arts form, met and fell in love. The couple's Boynton Beach school, now in its third year, includes their daughter, 2-year-old Sallianne, and a devoted and enthusiastic following of students of every age, male and female, with a special emphasis on youngsters. As with all martial arts, self-discipline is central to the teaching. What sets Capoeira Karkara apart is its spirit — joyful, earthy, and welcoming, like that aspect of the Brazilian national character embodied in the phrase so alegria ("only happiness") — and a vision that embraces music, acrobatics, and yoga. The school's demo team makes regular appearances throughout South Florida, at schools and community events, where its displays of power, grace, and just plain fun are infectious, a carnival of the body as art.

"Girlfriend! Do you want to go get your nails did?"

"Yeah, girl. Let's go."

There is no shortage of nail salons in South Florida. But Cool Nail offers unmatched service unlike anywhere else. The technicians here are superefficient and attentive, spending ample time with each client to ensure satisfaction. Want a Miami Heat logo on your ring finger? They've got you covered. Plus, this place doesn't do quick-and-dirty jobs — ever — and that's why Cool Nail stands out. The facility is clean and well-kept, and the tools are disinfected after every use. From gel nails to soothing spa pedicures and meticulously done wax jobs, a gal or guy can sit back and get beautified at an affordable rate.

Is he a bit of a diva? Was Maria Callas? Can he cut hair? Could Callas sing? It's all part of the experience at David K's ultrahip, eponymous, Northwood snippery. People go here the same way out-of-towners go to the Carnegie Deli to soak up the attitude of the show-biz boîte's legendarily brusque wait staff or A-listers line up to be targeted by Don Rickles' quips. K pirouettes from chair to chair, overseeing his staff or himself wielding the shears, precise and exacting, a master of the craft out of the Vidal Sassoon school, offering running commentary and analysis that bespeaks an understanding of hair style and depth psychology. (You thought they were unconnected?) The décor is appropriate: industrial chic interior; fine, avant-garde art on the walls. On occasional evenings, the space hosts special events, the Beautiful People come to strut their stuff, and as K's motto proclaims, "New York is closer than you think."

Animals arguably don't belong in a science lab to benefit the beauty industry. Our furry friends deserve a life in the wild, not trapped in a cold and chilling cage. Enter the roaring wave of vegan hair products — yes, that exists — a trend that's steadily catching on. John Bruno, hairstylist and proprietor of his eponymous Fort Lauderdale salon, has embraced this ethical treatment when it comes to hair. He uses solely vegan products, from shampoos to gels to hair dyes. Vegan hair conditioner? Check. Surprisingly, many of those bottles you find on the shelf are manufactured with animal byproducts such as animal fats, beeswax, dairy, and lanolin. If the label doesn't include the word "vegan," then it is likely that vixen-redhead-in-a-box kit was made involving the use of animals. In addition, Bruno is adept at transforming your 'do into glorious locks and shades of colors suitable to the individual.

The Moroccan charms and friendly staff are what make this cozy spa rock. Casbah Spa and Salon is that place where you can spend a pampering getaway without the pretension. Want to chillax in the steam room before your Swedish massage ($75 to $115) appointment? Come early and enter a steam bath of delight with a serving of teas, cucumber-infused water, and, yes, Champagne goodness at your fingertips. Located at the bottom of Sunrise Harbor residence just west of the Sunrise Boulevard Bridge, this tranquil locale boasts extensive services. There's a facial for your back ($95). There's one designed specifically for teenagers ($80). And men can opt for their own gentlemanly retreats with options like the hot towel facial ($80) and the "Hello, Handsome" all-inclusive treatment ($215). In addition, Casbah does haircuts, nails, and various healing offerings.

If you're going to trust anyone with your body, why not put your twisted, knotted, tense flesh in the paws of those with special knowledge of ancient Indian holy men? At JothiVita, the words of the rishis are taken seriously, and the body and soul are soothed. This Hollywood spa is the first Ayurvedic center in town. It uses a variety of healing methods to balance your stressed-out ass. It's concerned not just with that weird hard thing in your shoulder but with the balancing of your whole self. The spa has plenty of stuff going on, like herbal remedies, yoga, reiki, meditation, chakra work, and skin-care treatments, or there's the detox program called Panchakarma. But the folks here really know how to work those muscles with their list of totally chill-sounding massages. There's the classic abhyanga with herbal lube, the lymphatic drainage massage to get rid of all the crap running through your system, and marma therapy that deals with your body, mind, and emotions. They've got some featured treatments that include crystal sound healing bowls, reflexology, boluses of herbs, milk, and rice, and, of course, more herbal oils. All that health is actually affordable too! An hour massage is less than $100. We think it's time to get JothiVita with it.

Cover your stump before you hump. When in doubt, shroud your spout. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. Wrap it in foil before you check her oil. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. House your noodle before releasing your strudel. Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey. Can your worm before you squirm. Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle. In case you're still not getting it: Wear a condom. Seriously, why wouldn't you? In this contagious era we live in, it's insane not to wrap it up. And thanks to places like Condom World Gift Shop, you can stay safe while still having fun. From big to small, from glow-in-the-dark to flavored, you don't even need a partner to have fun with condoms anymore. Hell, just open up a pack, turn off the lights, and let out your inner child. Sorry, Slinky. You've been replaced as America's favorite toy.

I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Now, to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? Because if not, then maybe you shoulda gone to Weston Arms. It's family-owned and -operated, in a clean and safe environment. And the folks there do a helluva job teaching you all you need to know about .44 Magnums and all other types of guns. They've got good sales there too. Like, you can get yourself a CMMG LE Rifle 5.56 NATO 16-inch M4 Profule Barrel WASP Treated M4 Hand Guard 6 Position stock black for just $825. And if you didn't understand any of that, you can ask them and they'll teach you, punk.. Because they're good. They also offer Concealed Weapons Permits training. For 75 bucks (plus a $117 fee to the state), you can be CWP-certified in just ten days. And, of course, there's the shooting range, where you can sample any number of guns and learn to shoot just like me. But since you didn't go to Weston Arms to learn how to shoot, you've gotta ask yourself another question: "Why did I go to an inferior gun shop when I coulda gone to Weston Arms?" Why indeed, punk.