To hell with you kids and your MP3s. Chuck your iPods. What's a Spotify? Get out of here with that weak sauce. The only real way to listen to music, the true audio experience, is vinyl. And the best locale to scoop up used vinyl in South Florida is Top Five Records. Located in downtown Lake Worth next to the Propaganda concert venue, the store is the baby of John O'Keefe, a longtime vinylhead who opened the doors with his own collection of 50,000 records. What sets the store's stock apart from the beat-up discs you'll find in most dustbins or lawn sales is the quality. O'Keefe is a fiend about presenting only the best preloved music, so you can walk away from Top Five sure the vinyl won't cough or skip on the player. But don't show up looking for the new St. Vincent, Grizzly Bear, or any of those other nostalgia-soaked vinyl releases you pick up at Urban Outfitters (you hipster scum, you). The store specializes in the classic-rock sounds from the '60s and '70s, with a special sweet spot for blaring, raw-throat soul and head-tripping psychedelia.

One of the benefits of yoga is you can do it anywhere. It requires very little equipment — not even a mat if you've got a good towel or a comfortable surface. The only thing you really need for yoga is your body, your breath, and your mental presence. But let's face it — having a cool, Zen-like space helps a lot. YogaFox in Delray Beach provides just such a space while focusing its teaching on what's truly important. Located on Federal Highway just north of the happening downtown area, YogaFox has the comfortable and homey air of, well, a private home but all the Nag Champa, Tibetan-prayer-flag aesthetic you're looking for. Gaze up at the open, wood-beamed ceiling as you lie in savasana or meditate on colorful tapestries as your legs tremble to hold Warrior II. It is the most perfect place to do yoga in South Florida — with the possible exception of the Ganesha Garden out back, where special classes are held under the open sky. YogaFox teaches all levels of classes, from beginners to teacher training, as well as cohosts the annual YogaFest in downtown Fort Lauderdale along with the Yoga Joint Studio.

Gyms can be a drag. Sure, you want to be able to fit through doors, but is it really worth putting up with all the crap you face at a gym? The guy who won't stop staring at you. The sweaty man who keeps flicking sweat into your face as he dances to Lady Gaga on his elliptical. The jungle of locker room penises (all no less than 80 years old) that you have to all but machete your way through on the way to the urinal. It's easy to see why TV and potato chips usually win the battle. But what if I told you there was a place where working out could actually be beautiful — crunches and squats all done under the Florida sun, mere feet from the salty waves of Fort Lauderdale Beach? Well, turn off the TV and throw out the potato chips (OK, have one more first), because that place exists, and it is known simply as the Gym at Fort Lauderdale Beach. What was once an oceanfront hotel on Fort Lauderdale Beach eventually turned into a gym. We can go on about the smoothie bar or group exercise classes, but what really makes the Gym special is the rooftop workout area with a panoramic view of the Atlantic Ocean and the Intracoastal Waterway. Isn't that better than creepy Chad staring at you while you do jumping jacks?

It's a family affair, blood relation or not, and the family keeps growing. It started in 2005, when Sara Turk, a spirited young woman from suburban South Florida, and Alberto Conceicao (formally, Contra Mestre Betinho), a Brazilian-born master of capoeira, the deeply musical and flowing Afro-Brazilian martial arts form, met and fell in love. The couple's Boynton Beach school, now in its third year, includes their daughter, 2-year-old Sallianne, and a devoted and enthusiastic following of students of every age, male and female, with a special emphasis on youngsters. As with all martial arts, self-discipline is central to the teaching. What sets Capoeira Karkara apart is its spirit — joyful, earthy, and welcoming, like that aspect of the Brazilian national character embodied in the phrase so alegria ("only happiness") — and a vision that embraces music, acrobatics, and yoga. The school's demo team makes regular appearances throughout South Florida, at schools and community events, where its displays of power, grace, and just plain fun are infectious, a carnival of the body as art.

"Girlfriend! Do you want to go get your nails did?"

"Yeah, girl. Let's go."

There is no shortage of nail salons in South Florida. But Cool Nail offers unmatched service unlike anywhere else. The technicians here are superefficient and attentive, spending ample time with each client to ensure satisfaction. Want a Miami Heat logo on your ring finger? They've got you covered. Plus, this place doesn't do quick-and-dirty jobs — ever — and that's why Cool Nail stands out. The facility is clean and well-kept, and the tools are disinfected after every use. From gel nails to soothing spa pedicures and meticulously done wax jobs, a gal or guy can sit back and get beautified at an affordable rate.

Is he a bit of a diva? Was Maria Callas? Can he cut hair? Could Callas sing? It's all part of the experience at David K's ultrahip, eponymous, Northwood snippery. People go here the same way out-of-towners go to the Carnegie Deli to soak up the attitude of the show-biz boîte's legendarily brusque wait staff or A-listers line up to be targeted by Don Rickles' quips. K pirouettes from chair to chair, overseeing his staff or himself wielding the shears, precise and exacting, a master of the craft out of the Vidal Sassoon school, offering running commentary and analysis that bespeaks an understanding of hair style and depth psychology. (You thought they were unconnected?) The décor is appropriate: industrial chic interior; fine, avant-garde art on the walls. On occasional evenings, the space hosts special events, the Beautiful People come to strut their stuff, and as K's motto proclaims, "New York is closer than you think."

Animals arguably don't belong in a science lab to benefit the beauty industry. Our furry friends deserve a life in the wild, not trapped in a cold and chilling cage. Enter the roaring wave of vegan hair products — yes, that exists — a trend that's steadily catching on. John Bruno, hairstylist and proprietor of his eponymous Fort Lauderdale salon, has embraced this ethical treatment when it comes to hair. He uses solely vegan products, from shampoos to gels to hair dyes. Vegan hair conditioner? Check. Surprisingly, many of those bottles you find on the shelf are manufactured with animal byproducts such as animal fats, beeswax, dairy, and lanolin. If the label doesn't include the word "vegan," then it is likely that vixen-redhead-in-a-box kit was made involving the use of animals. In addition, Bruno is adept at transforming your 'do into glorious locks and shades of colors suitable to the individual.

The Moroccan charms and friendly staff are what make this cozy spa rock. Casbah Spa and Salon is that place where you can spend a pampering getaway without the pretension. Want to chillax in the steam room before your Swedish massage ($75 to $115) appointment? Come early and enter a steam bath of delight with a serving of teas, cucumber-infused water, and, yes, Champagne goodness at your fingertips. Located at the bottom of Sunrise Harbor residence just west of the Sunrise Boulevard Bridge, this tranquil locale boasts extensive services. There's a facial for your back ($95). There's one designed specifically for teenagers ($80). And men can opt for their own gentlemanly retreats with options like the hot towel facial ($80) and the "Hello, Handsome" all-inclusive treatment ($215). In addition, Casbah does haircuts, nails, and various healing offerings.

If you're going to trust anyone with your body, why not put your twisted, knotted, tense flesh in the paws of those with special knowledge of ancient Indian holy men? At JothiVita, the words of the rishis are taken seriously, and the body and soul are soothed. This Hollywood spa is the first Ayurvedic center in town. It uses a variety of healing methods to balance your stressed-out ass. It's concerned not just with that weird hard thing in your shoulder but with the balancing of your whole self. The spa has plenty of stuff going on, like herbal remedies, yoga, reiki, meditation, chakra work, and skin-care treatments, or there's the detox program called Panchakarma. But the folks here really know how to work those muscles with their list of totally chill-sounding massages. There's the classic abhyanga with herbal lube, the lymphatic drainage massage to get rid of all the crap running through your system, and marma therapy that deals with your body, mind, and emotions. They've got some featured treatments that include crystal sound healing bowls, reflexology, boluses of herbs, milk, and rice, and, of course, more herbal oils. All that health is actually affordable too! An hour massage is less than $100. We think it's time to get JothiVita with it.

Cover your stump before you hump. When in doubt, shroud your spout. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. Wrap it in foil before you check her oil. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. House your noodle before releasing your strudel. Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey. Can your worm before you squirm. Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle. In case you're still not getting it: Wear a condom. Seriously, why wouldn't you? In this contagious era we live in, it's insane not to wrap it up. And thanks to places like Condom World Gift Shop, you can stay safe while still having fun. From big to small, from glow-in-the-dark to flavored, you don't even need a partner to have fun with condoms anymore. Hell, just open up a pack, turn off the lights, and let out your inner child. Sorry, Slinky. You've been replaced as America's favorite toy.

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