Jess Swanson

Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.

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During Hurricane Matthew, the Floridian Kept Serving Folks Without Electricity

By Jess Swanson
Oct 7, 2016

Amid the gusts and downpour of Hurricane Matthew, The Floridian never stopped serving folks hearty plates of diner food. The legendary Las Olas establishment lost power around 8 p.m. with nearly 40 patrons inside, but didn't slow down. A waitress delivering an order of chicken tenders and sandwiches to a...
USDA Study Reveals Shocking Finding: Americans Eat a Whole Lot of Pizza

By Jess Swanson
Feb 20, 2014

There's nothing more American than apple pie, right? Wrong. When was the last time you saw anyone eating a piece of apple pie? Exactly. That's why the USDA in its infinite wisdom conducted a four year study on the taxpayer's dime about the demographics of pizza consumption in this country...
Indulge in Grille 401's Holiday-Inspired "Naughty Elf" Cocktail

By Jess Swanson
Dec 19, 2013

It's hard to be an elf. All that time cooped up in the North Pole, slaving away in Santa's sweat work shop, and then to have that jolly old man get all the credit! It's a hard-knock life for an elf. Once the toy-making has come to an end on...
Moonshine Molly's Brings Southern Cooking and Spirits to South Florida

By Jess Swanson
Dec 17, 2013

Moonshine is like water. It's a clear liquid no one wanted the government placing any of those fancy federal taxes on. With two hundred years of illicit production in the Appalachian mountains, it's premised on the badassery of backwoods distilleries. But moonshine has slowly and legally been seeping its way...
Weird Food News: Salad Worms, Cheeseburger Sandals, and Jameis "Soda Bandit" Winston

By Jess Swanson
Dec 12, 2013

Our momma always told us not to play with our food, but we sure as hell can't stop laughing at it! From catching Jameis Winston stealing soda at Burger King to the always classy Waffle House parking lot sex, this is a round up of the weirdest food news we...
Get Ready to Pay $8 For a Gallon of Milk if Congress Doesn't Get its Act Together

By Jess Swanson
Dec 5, 2013

We're not talking about the organic goat milk they sell at Whole Foods. We're talking about the stuff you pour on your Coco Puffs and dunk your Oreos in: plain Jane, pasteurized cow milk. A gallon of milk in Florida currently costs around $4. Whether you prefer whole or skim,...
Sloan's Ice Cream Parlor Opens Fifth Location in Delray Beach

By Jess Swanson
Nov 29, 2013

Sloan's Ice Cream Parlor in West Palm Beach was inducted into Cintas' Bowl Games back in August. While the 47 flavors of ice cream and hand-painted tickle-me-pink walls were nice, the nomination was for their bathroom, a mystical room that gives the illusion of exhibitionism through a transparent door that...
The First Thanksgiving Was in Florida, Not Plymouth Rock

By Jess Swanson
Nov 28, 2013

Stop stuffing the turkey! Stop mashing the potatoes! We've had it wrong all along, the first real Thanksgiving was not at Plymouth Rock in 1621. It was 50 years earlier in Florida. The strife of our country's first colonists as they sailed on the Mayflower seeking religious freedom is a...
Craigslist Ad Pranks Broward Man About 100 Free Thanksgiving Turkeys

By Jess Swanson
Nov 22, 2013

Conie White, 56, does not know how to use a computer. Hell, he doesn't even know how to use his cell phone. But since 11:30 a.m. over 150 people have called him inquiring about free thanksgiving turkeys. An ad was put on Craiglist saying that 100 free turkeys are being...
Weezie's Kitchen Prepares Gluten-Free Thanksgiving Dinners To-Go

By Jess Swanson
Nov 22, 2013

Louise Dutton, the owner and chef of Weezie's Kitchen, can't pass the stuffing, the gravy, or the dinner rolls at the table. She's gluten-intolerant, and even the tiniest traces of the wheat protein can send her to the hospital. Dutton understands the gluten-free fight is difficult during the holidays, especially...
Purple Lotus' Kratom-Laced Kava Drink: We Try It for Ourselves

By Jess Swanson
Nov 21, 2013

"I was hoping the press would come in," Purple Lotus Bar owner Jimmy Scianno says when I call him to ask about the komodo, a tea of ground kava and kratom leaves -- which is the most popular drink at his bar. In October, Michael and Erica Siegel sued Scianno...
Lawsuit Claims Addiction to Purple Lotus Kava Bar's Kratom-Laced Drink

By Jess Swanson
Nov 18, 2013

"This is what $15,000 worth of kratom looks like," Michael Siegel remembers Purple Lotus Bar owner Jimmy Scianno saying as he lifted a brick of the brown powder over his head. The bar then broke out in chatter. Some people just stared in awe. Others half-jokingly plotted ways to swipe...
Man Arrested For Impersonating Cop And Demanding Donut Discount

By Jess Swanson
Nov 15, 2013

A lot of shenanigans are known to go down at donut shops in the wee hours of the night. One of the few places open at 3 a.m., donut shops were once a watering hole for troublemakers and drunk cravings. That is, until donut shop owners wised up and started...
The Hash House Harriers Were Right, Beer and Running Do Mix

By Jess Swanson
Nov 15, 2013

The Fort Lauderdale Hash House Harriers dub themselves "a drinking club with a running problem." It started in 1938 in Kuala Lumpur after British expats would run every Monday night together. Now there are hundreds of outposts all around the world. They drink, they run, they drink, then run, and...
Vegan Foods Abound at Saturday's March Against Cruelty in Fort Lauderdale

By Jess Swanson
Nov 13, 2013

Instead of kicking people who run puppy mills in the crotch or setting the boats that run over manatees on fire, Dr. Andrew Kirschner is inviting anyone who has a soft spot in his or her heart for abused animals to the March Against Cruelty at noon Saturday at Huizenga...
People Who Don't Like Pizza Are People Too

By Jess Swanson
Nov 12, 2013

At some point in our country's history, it became socially frowned upon not to like pizza. Cheese pizza is the new apple pie. If someone doesn't like spinach or some other fibrous vegetable, people understand. No one questions children probing it on their plates. But if you don't like pizza,...
Mr. M's Subs Opens Second Location in Davie After 34 Years

By Jess Swanson
Nov 11, 2013

In January 1979, Dennis and Ginny Maier opened Mr. M's Sandwich Shop in Dania Beach with the simple premise of serving the freshest sandwiches. After 34 years of whipping up some of the greatest sandwiches in town, their son, Paul Maier (also a Mr. M), has set up a second...
Oakland Park's New Weekly Farmers' Market Kicked Off Tuesday, Rain or Shine

By Jess Swanson
Nov 6, 2013

The nimbus clouds hung low and dark. They loomed over the the local merchants' tents as their tarps flapped violently with each gust of wind. At 5 p.m. the main downpour had passed or, at least, everyone hoped it had. It was the first night of the Tuesday Oakland Park...
Nine Dating Apps That Will Match You With Your Foodie Soulmate

By Jess Swanson
Nov 5, 2013

Time and time again, singles go out and date people who seem charming, funny, and good-looking. Things are going great until that one lunch date when you realize your potential significant other actually prefers Jimmy John's to Publix subs and you have to call the whole thing off. Food differences...
Five Mind-Altering Beverages That Won't Land You a DUI

By Jess Swanson
Nov 4, 2013

Alcoholic or not, you shouldn't get behind the wheel if you're not in your right mind. But sometimes the designated driver wants to have fun too and not worry about getting baited at a DUI checkpoint. While the rest of your friends are doing tequila shots at the bar, stick...
Heinz Ketchup Hires Former Burger King Exec, McDonald's Ends 40-Year Relationship

By Jess Swanson
Oct 31, 2013

The 40-year partnership of McDonald's and Heinz Ketchup has been one of the longest relationships of our time. With the rise of super-short Hollywood marriages like Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries, McDonald's and Heinz Ketchup was something Americans could rely on. All high-profiles relationships brave smiles in the...
Oklahoma Woman One-Ups Florida Cop, Buys Thief's Groceries

By Jess Swanson
Oct 29, 2013

It's against the law to steal. And it's Miami cop Vicki Thomas' job to make sure people obey this law and every other one on the books. But when the middle-aged cop came across a desperate mother of three stealing groceries at a Publix in Cutler Bay last month, she...

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Jess Swanson