Peter Pan Diner

At 4 a.m., the world's a hard place for a hot mess. You're drunk; bouncers removed you from the bar over an hour ago, and all you've done since is send hysterical text messages to your ex. In the miasma of your alcohol-fueled mind, there's a fine line between "sleeping" and "passing out," and you're inclined to neither. Fortunately, a little inebriation won't prohibit you from leafing through a massive menu full of sandwiches, Greek food, breakfast wraps, diner fare, desserts, and basically anything edible you can imagine. Peter Pan's hearty late-night food will sober you up enough to people-watch: Give yourself one point for every young woman you see passed out at a booth, five points for any potential Mafioso, and ten points for anyone doing anything illegal in the bathroom (and 25 if it's at a table).

Little Munich

After a long day at work, sometimes the only things you have enough energy to do are crack open a cold beer and watch a movie. But considering they don't serve beer at most movie theaters, head down to Little Munich. Not only does it boast authentic German cuisine, a huge selection of draft "bier," and a friendly atmosphere but Little Munich also shows the best free movies starting at 10 every Wednesday night. Whether it's a guilty-pleasure flick like Rush Hour or something even more politically incorrect like Repo Man, this is the one place you won't be made fun of for your taste in movies (or wiener schnitzel).

Lodge Beer and Grill

Unless you've got a few Midwestern winters under your belt — with those five months of frigid, all-consuming solitude that push you just to your breaking point and then a hair more — you're probably missing out on at least a fraction of the appeal of the Lodge. Sure, it's an affable place no matter your geographic heritage, but for ex-pats from well above the Mason-Dixon line, the Lodge is like a little piece of the motherland. Though the varnish on the "log cabin" walls is a bit shiny and the beer selection far superior to what you'll find in the average deer camp, there's comfort in the familiarity of a steel pail nailed to a picnic table and filled with peanuts in the shell. And while you wax nostalgic with your "hunting" buddies about that time you ran your four-by-four off the two-track, a visit from a perfectly tanned waitress in short-shorts and a knotted flannel top reminds you that paradise is only a few safe steps away.

Dirty Blondes

So what if the air-hockey table is so sticky that it works better if you dump a beer on it? If you're at Dirty Blondes beach bar, you're probably not sober enough to care. And that's fine, because the games double as side tables to lean against and rest your cheap drink on. But if you are inclined to game, the deceptively big space is a playground of pool tables, air hockey, arcade games, shuffleboard, and darts. "Blondies," as it's affectionately called, is like Chuck E. Cheese for the 20- to 30-something set. Competitive beach dudes can prove their manhood in a round of pool while using the games as a convenient excuse to hit on bikini-clad women. Self-serious folk are better off staying out of this place. It's packed on weekend afternoons and becomes more of a low-key sports bar at night.

Greenbrier Restaurant

Thanks to researchers across the globe finally making good use of government-issued grants, we now have sound arguments for ogling boobs and smoking cigarettes. Yep, some scientists have claimed that gazing upon breasts can extend a man's life, and others have said that breaking up the 9-to-5 drudgery actually makes smokers less stressed than nonsmokers. Stogie-grasping patrons who want to live a longer and more stress-free existence can seek solace with like-minded individuals at Greenbrier Smoking Lounge in Pompano Beach. A sea of cleavage, thick puffs of tobacco smoke, and a menu listing inexpensive noshings has us asking: Is Greenbrier a restaurant, bar, or a strip club? Whatever the answer, it doesn't really matter, because the therapeutic effects of frequenting here are obvious. So belly up to the bar to enjoy Buffalo-style chicken tenders and a frosty beer. Don't forget a pack (or two) of your favorite butts while you eyeball some bouncing twin peaks and add years to your life.

Bimini Bay Bar

Bimini Bay is a drinking den for wayfarers who likely missed their flight at FLL — back in 1968. Both blue and white collars find leisure at this neighborhood bar, which isn't properly portrayed by simple descriptions like "dive" or "hole in the wall." No establishment from Belle Glade to Miramar holds a lit cigarette to Bimini — a place that embodies skankiness more than the skivvies dangling from the rafters. Slumped over the bar top, ashtray distance apart, buddies slur out conversations. But there is more to do than share nonsensical thoughts. If you're bored with playing darts, try your luck at a raunchy game of Cooter Ball. Is the game on TV not capturing your interest? Turn your attention to the adult film in the other corner of the smoky room. There is something for every tasteless customer brazen enough to graze a flat surface at Bimini. Here, everyone knows your name. It's like Cheers but with porno.

Boatyard
CandaceWest.com

Palm-frond-shaped fan blades stir a slight breeze over the hordes of Red Stripe-drinking, khaki-wearing yachties who make up the usual crowd of this nautical-themed bar. If you get sloshed enough and squint, it even feels like you're aboard a huge, decadent vessel, without the potential seasickness. And if you can't get an actual boat owner to take you back to the (bed of the) yacht, you should at least be able to bed a member of the crew.

Votes: 115
Runners-up: OMG Mike, 81; Dan LeBatard, 8

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