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Best Place for Girls to Meet Girls

La Bare

So "Harley" is revving his motor in your face, and you don't know whether to laugh or laugh. For a not-so-small fee ($10 for ladies age 21 and older; $15 for ladies 18 to 20), you can witness a crowd of strictly women hootin' and hollerin'. Why is it that men sit at titty bars in dumbfounded silence while women -- when they visit their own version of the clubs -- fall off their chairs laughing at the teabag-o-rama? It's because, to women, places like La Bare are hilarious and not that sexy; sure, Dirk's got those dreamy eyes, and you can't keep your eyes off Paolo's huge... pecs. But these joints are filled with single and/or married women who are really wondering what it would be like to make out with another chick. Hooray for the converting power of the penis! La Bare is open Wednesday to Sunday, but Friday and Saturday nights are best.

Best Place to Meet Members of the Opposite Sex

PetSet

People say that you find love when you're not looking for it. But most people are idealistic morons who blow every chance at love by using other people to validate their narcissistic delusions. So, who cares what they think? The peeps at the nonprofit Humane Society of Broward County started a young professionals social group called PetSet, which puts the desire to be partnered to good use: raising awareness about responsible pet ownership and money to help abandoned animals. A yearly membership of $25 gets you discounted admission to monthly socials at the area's most exclusive bars and restaurants, like the River House and Johnny V's, and invitations to yearly events like the Halloween Masquerade Ball and Pajama Jam. These parties are packed with well-dressed, confident people looking to meet a furless friend like you.

Best Place to Volunteer

West Palm 100

Back in October of 2003, ten friends in West Palm Beach met in the back room of an Irish pub in the hope of organizing the city's growing community of young professionals. The group they formed -- including lawyers, teachers, and even a few politicians -- became West Palm 100. It holds regular happy-hour parties and organizes monthly volunteer work, including helping out on Habitat for Humanity houses or simply painting homes for those who can't do it themselves. In just a few months, the club attracted more than 160 members, who receive e-mails about upcoming events. Some day, West Palm 100 may become an official charity and have a membership list, dues, and even a phone number. But for now, it's simply a loose-knit collective, says Michelle McGovern, one of the founders and an employee of Democratic U.S. Sen. Bill Nelson. Says McGovern: "We really have big dreams for this."

Best Place to Check Your E-Mail

Goldfinger North

This midrange strip club in suburban Sunrise has everything a hard-working gentleman needs: two computer terminals with high-speed Internet connections where you can take a break from lap dances and leering to check your e-mail and stock prices. Or you can just send a nice note home to the old ball and chain: "Hi, honey. I'm swamped at work! Be home in two hours. I think I'll stop by the gym to take a shower. Kiss, kiss." The computers are free with the club's $10 cover charge. Everything else will cost you a pretty penny for a pretty lassie.

Best Sex Jobs

Adultstaffing.com

Instead of bustin' your hump for The Man, you could be the man humping a bust for a livin'. Or a woman. You'll find work aplenty for both sexes posted on www.adultstaffing.com. The help-wanted postings are conveniently listed in categories such as bartenders, dancers, sex video performers, escorts, sales/marketing, and webmasters. And judging by some recent help-wanted ads, South Florida is certainly a land of sex-for-cash opportunity. One SoFla auteur wrote that he "needs girls who can handle taking an extreme blow job (throat fucking, gagging, etc.)" A Fort Lauderdale adult video production company was "looking for hot, fun, kinky girls for video-only shoots. High pay per shoot, 30 minutes of work (approx 5-7 mins. of actual anal intercourse.)" If you're not willing to wait around for the right job, you can post your own résumé highlights, such as that by a flowing-haired blond who recently offered her services for "girl-on-girl video work" as a "lactating model." How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm now?

Best Spot for a Bachelor Party

Captain Pete's Houseboat

Just north of the island of Palm Beach, smack dab in the middle of the Lake Worth Lagoon, sits a 169-year-old cabin plucked from the shores of Cape Cod. Just looking at it will sober you up. The cabin arrives every winter from its former home up north thanks to Capt. Pete Mason, who dropped the building onto a catamaran platform three years ago. Now, Mason rents out the monstrosity to party planners looking for a location that seems, well, barely afloat. The two-story structure looks straight out of Mark Twain, like a hunting lodge made of long-leaf yellow pine. A pilot house upstairs looks pulled out of a tugboat. The gregarious Mason says it's the perfect spot for a soon-to-be groom to usher in his vows, although it isn't cheap, at $1,800 for an eight-hour bash. "They bring the food and girls," he says, "and I provide the platform." A recent bachelor party, outfitted with six dancers, lasted till nearly sunrise. "That was a bit too long," Mason says. "But I didn't have the heart to kick 'em off."

Best Place to Live Free

Sunsport Gardens Family Nudist Resort

Given South Florida's subtropical climate, it's summer nearly 11 months out of the year. And about seven of those are so hot and muggy that your T-shirt is soaked with sweat the minute you walk outside. So it's no surprise that it's not the most popular destination for camping trips. But that doesn't mean our region is unsuitable for the practice; it's just that all the naysayers are going about it the wrong way. There's no need to fret about the heat. Just grin and bare it. That's right, take it off! After all, isn't camping supposed to be about freedom? And there's no better place than Sunsport Gardens Family Nudist Resort to release your inner Adam or Eve. The place is appropriately situated in the rural Loxahatchee Groves and includes all the amenities you need for a refreshing night of clothes-free camping. Wanna play some nude volleyball? No problem. The approximately 40-acre resort offers plenty of recreation, from tennis and fishing to a nature trail to even a spa and sauna. To quell your appetite, Sunsport Gardens has its own full-service restaurant for meat-eaters and veggies alike. So, if you're gonna spend the night with Mother Nature, there's no need to do it half-assed; do it bare-assed.

Best Local Girl Gone Bad

Mary Carey

Prestigious Pine Crest Preparatory School has been sending academic overachievers to Ivy League schools since 1934. But no alum has been in the news in the recent year as much as the Class of 1998's (and Boca Raton's own) Mary Ellen Cook, better known as Mary Carey. The star of fine pieces of pornography like Grand Opening and Boobsville Sorority Girls, Carey used her double-D breasts to their fullest in her run for governor of California. Of course, we all know who won, but did you know that Carey's hole was punched on 16,174 ballots, landing her in tenth place of about 135 candidates, snugly between businessman George B. Schwartzman and pro-marijuana legalization attorney Bruce Margolin? Her platform contained novel initiatives, some of which might have succeeded (taxing breast implants and legalizing gay marriage included). But many think that her campaign was just a big publicity stunt for her career in porn. If so, it may have worked. The 24-year-old Carey has recently announced that she has begun to write and direct her own films and has just finished Mary Carey Rules! 3, the adult video world's version of a sketch comedy show, which should be out by the time you read this.

Best Reason to Live in South Florida

Tourists Readers' Choice: The weather

They draw constant derision, what with their silly accents, their tucked-in shirts, and their strawberry-shortcake tans. But who among us would truly banish the tourists? In a world without tourists, who aboard the Jungle Queen would we moon from the riverbanks? Who would patronize those delightful rickshaws? Who would keep the economy flush enough so that we don't have to pay a state income tax? Where would we find authentic French Canadians to jeer? And how would we justify all the goofball beach bars, the salt-smeared crab shacks, the lame-crap outlets, the insistence on covering "Margaritaville" for the umpty-jillionth time. Would we have to admit that this cheap pleasure culture is of our own making, not theirs? Moreover, tourists remind us that we are all but delirious guests on this mortal coil. Live each day in South Florida as though your flight for Sheboygan leaves in the morning, for one of these days, you'll be right. Readers' Choice: The weather

Best Bush in Executive Office

West Palm Beach Police Chief Delsa Bush

Not Dubya. Not Jeb. Delsa. The 43-year-old single mother of two was recently installed as the new chief of police for West Palm Beach. That makes her the first woman and the first African-American to serve as the city's top cop. Essentially the CEO of the largest municipal department in Palm Beach County, Chief Bush is responsible for overseeing a $40 million budget and a staff of 281 sworn officers, 111 civilians, and three K-9s. Bush, who moved to Palm Beach County from Mississippi at age 4, helped raise her six brothers and sisters while her single mother packed tomatoes in local fields. At age 14, Bush was inspired to become a law enforcement officer when her mother was shot by an irate lover in Lantana and sheriff's deputies responded to the family with remarkable kindness. She put herself through college and joined the West Palm Beach police force in 1983 -- becoming its first female African-American officer. This year, Bush's department is expected to process 42,300 police reports, recover 1,050 stolen cars, seize 803,448 grams of narcotics, and get 6,000 kids to attend police-sponsored talent shows on Saturday nights. When not out busting bad guys, the chief does her homework: She is pursuing a doctorate in educational services at Lynn University.

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