While bagpipers march down the street

The people get light on their feet

All decked out in green

A ridiculous scene

The sights on this day can't be beat!

Where there once was a pointed roof, there now is a glowing capsule at the tip of a cosmic rocket ship. Or it might look that way to those on quality hallucinogens after dark who are within a five-mile radius of the Bank of America Plaza. While some nights the newly added LED display is a cool, steady blue, other times it flashes rainbow cheerfulness like the cityscape equivalent of a Grateful Dead jam. Kudos to the city's fifth-tallest building for becoming the most magical to behold.

Your pal from the Midwest just rolled into town, and sun, sand, and surf are tops on his agenda. These are three attainable demands that can be met at a multitude of tourist traps, which your visitor will leave with a hearty sunburn and an assortment of T-shirts with cheesy slogans. Instead of opting for the predictable sights he's seen a million times on brochures, give your visitor a South Floridian slice-of-life experience. The newly remodeled 976-foot International Deerfield Beach Fishing Pier offers genuine Floridian charm. If you haven't been to the pier since its $5 million overhaul, you will be damned impressed too. With its new blue and crystal-white hue, it glistens against the blue of the Atlantic Ocean most majestically. If the guest is an early bird, go just before sunrise, walk the distance to the end of the pier, and marvel at the stunning sunrise that materializes before your eyes. At only $1 for sightseers ($4 for fishermen), it's one of the cheapest yet most stunning sights around. Afterward, grab some towels and a few beach chairs and sprawl out in Deerfield Beach's pristine sand — the cleanest and most expansive beach Broward County has to offer.

A journey into the country's "largest subtropical wilderness" shouldn't be this easy, but it is. Just an hour or so on Florida's Turnpike, and city dwellers are face-to-face with the legendary River of Grass. Hearty types can kayak, canoe, or camp overnight in the primordial soup, but there's plenty to satiate the casual day-tripper. The Anhinga Trail, just minutes inside of the 1.5-million-acre park, is a breeze to navigate. Nothing but paved paths and elevated boardwalks. Oh, and a shitload of alligators and prehistoric-looking birds. Drive deeper into the park — the crowd wanes with every passing mile — until you reach the pink Flamingo Visitor Center overlooking Florida Bay. Have a picnic in view of an active osprey nest, and scout the marina for manatees and sightings of the rare American crocodile. The cost for entry is $10 per vehicle and a little bit of driving, but the experience is beyond compare.

A quiet summertime staycation is the new panacea. The year is grinding, the job is steadily turning your brain to mincemeat, and life in general won't stop screeching like a banshee on steroids. You need to get the hell out of Dodge before you strangle Kenny from accounts. Yet there's no need to over-do a quick weekend getaway. Not when ocean breezes and cloudless blue skies are here for the taking on a daily basis. That's why you can just clip it northbound to Deerfield Beach and book yourself a stay at the Embassy Suites Resort & Spa. It's a beachfront hotel without the usual insane prices you'd pay in other parts of our fine state. (OK, it may cost you $220 a night, but you haven't paid for any plane tickets, bro!) Here you're just a short walk to the beach and to the area's many restaurants. Don't feel like leaving the building? That's cool too. The hotel features a bar with a daily Manager's Cocktail Hour and good eats as well. And no matter what room you choose — an ocean view or an oceanfront — you'll be greeted by the hushed sounds of the waves washing ashore through your balcony window. Order breakfast (or wake up early enough to grab some of their delicious buffet) and eat out on the balcony overlooking the crystalline ocean and auburn sand below. Just a short drive away, the Embassy Suites Deerfield Beach Resort & Spa sits in the middle of quiet nowhere. And that's exactly where you want to be during your time off.

Let's be honest: Nothing gets the ticker hammering like a peek at some skin. And since 1965, Sunsport Gardens has been offering the region an affordable smorgasbord of private parts and secret crevices — all in a family setting! Billing itself as a "Family Nudist Resort," Sunsport is all the way out in Loxahatchee, far from the prying eyes of all those assholes who made you feel fat in the high school locker room after gym class ("Stop sucking it in, Tubs!"). At Sunsport, you can find the same activities you'd see at summer camp, just with more T&A. There are daily events like yoga and volleyball, a full pool (preshowering is required), square dancing, and rental cabins and campers. Plus, most important, the vibe is judgment-free. So if you're looking for something new to jump-start your social life, a new thrill for a thrifty budget, Sunsport is a good option. Your first visit to the resort is on the house, so why not let your... er... hair down and enjoy? You don't have to suck it in this time, Tubs.

This is not a thrill of the heart-pounding kind but a titillation of the gastronomical variety. Fort Lauderdale's farm-to-table eatery Market 17's dining-in-the-dark experience takes patrons' palates on sensational sensory escapes. We are talking about an eight-course meal served in complete and utter darkness, where your waiter brings your meals with the aid of night-vision goggles. With the lights turned off, your remaining senses reach a Viagra-level type of arousal. Each delicate aroma will seem more potently fragrant, and every spice and seasoning will scintillate your fervid taste buds. Without the aid of silverware — which is rendered useless without the assistance of vision — your fingers become the primary eating utensils. Eating with your bare hands may sound a bit bestial, but it is also quite carnal at the same time. Never will consuming a piece of celery seem as sensual as it does in these conditions. Reaching for your glass of Riesling will be a dodgy proposition, but you'll soon discover it is paired perfectly with what could be a piece of garlic shrimp in front of you. At $188 per person with wine pairing ($135 without), eating in total darkness is a lavish luxury reserved for the foodie with extra funds. Steep in price though it may be, it offers a culinary rush like no other.

Getting stoned inside your own home or a friend's is not only boring; it's un-American. What's a chronicface to do? Waiting for the next show at the Cruzan is time-consuming and inconvenient. And how many Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon laser light shows can one person take in a lifetime? We need to take things outside, under the canopy of an entrancing South Florida summer sky. What better way to get ripped than by being in the wilds around Alligator Alley? Head up the I-75 to Naples at night, wait for the lights of the city to dim in the horizon behind you, pull over, and proceed to get yourself toasted. There isn't a clearer view of the stars and constellations than on this road, which means you can contemplate the vastness of the universe while theorizing about how we're all just, like, a speck of dirt in the fingernail of a massive deity, man. Steer clear of rest stops (for obvious "Fuzz" reasons), and make sure to completely come down from floating before you head back home. And if you should spot a rare Florida panther out there, count that as a bonus. Just don't attempt to high-five it or anything. Getting Chonged responsibly is always the name of the game.

Discover how elegant a pee-stop can be by valet-parking your car out front, only to relieve yourself within the immaculate facilities of this polished cathedral of commerce before calling for your chariot to be brought back around so you may continue on your way, grinning.

Live around here long enough and you'll hear all the urban legends: That Al Capone kidnapped an Italian opera star and kept her hostage in Deerfield. (Supposedly true.) That Al Pacino used to hang out at the Yankee Clipper (Definitely true: See Analyze This.) That during a full moon, the ghost of Farrah Fawcett, in her famous red swimsuit, hovers over the Fort Lauderdale house she once shared with Lee Majors. (Just saying, look up on a clear night!) Another amazing fact that is passed around in whispers is that, of the more than 3,700 Marriott hotels in 74 countries worldwide, the unpretentious, family-friendly Marriott Harbor Beach is the one that "Mr. Marriott" prefers. That's largely because of the centerpiece pool — surrounded by fake rocks and waterfalls and big enough to accommodate guests from all of the hotel's 618 rooms. (Bless that towel staff.) It's open only to registered users of the hotel, but hey — this place just screams "staycation." Little ones can be dispatched to the kids' club or watersports so you can get crackin' on sampling drinks with seamless service from the tiki bar (or free cookies and lemonade). If you wake up early on a lucky summer day, you might find sea turtles hatching on the edge of the property. Until then... Can-non — baaaaaaaaaaallll!!