I, along with 26 million others, watched the clip the day it came out. I consumed its pop-culture pornography the way a kid ogles a candy store: wide-eyed, slack-jawed, and lost in fantasy. They were all like "wet and gushy," and I was all like, "I can twerk in a swivel chair," but I was also like, "WTF does 'WAP' mean?"
"Wet and gushy," I mulled. "Wet and gushy...oh!"
It took me three minutes and twelve seconds to put the pieces together. "Wet and gushy" is a rhyme replacement for "wet-ass pussy," which — no shade to Cardi or Meg — is quite obviously the star of the song. Now, I'm not offended by powerful pussies. As a proud vagina owner, I find such a concept ridiculous.
I do, however, have an issue with sweeping powerful pussy under the rug.
Censorship is, in my opinion, the most inane crime of the common era, especially when it comes to something as beautiful, natural, and necessary as taking pleasure in consensual sex. To erase the passion of our base human function is a foul means of control committed and clung to by only the most insufferable puritans and tyrannical governments.
Sure, it happens literally every day on terrestrial radio and television, but this particular case of censorship was — and there's no other way to say it — fucking stupid.
The video opens on a shot of rotating statues shooting water from their nipples. (A glorious celebration of female fertility, no?) Cardi and Meg wander a green-screen mansion of carnal delights whose rooms contain myriad visual wonders. Here we see fornicating Bengal tigers. Now we're in a Willy Wonka factory that makes...hoes, I guess? Best of all? The surprise cameos from Kylie Jenner, Normani, Rosalia, Mulatto, Rubi Rose, and Miami's very own ratchet princess, Sukihana.
"WAP" is not an allusion, but a delightful, unabashed display of gratuitous titty jigglin', sensual split humpin', and spirited tongue flashin'. Cardi B spits that she'll "put this cookie in your face" so you can "swipe your nose like a credit card." Megan rhymes "handcuffs" and "leashes" with "switch my wig, make him feel like he cheatin'." The CIA could tell this song was about sex if they heard it through my cell phone (let alone a middle schooler with access to the internet). Any attempt to "censor" it for "the kids" is a moot-ass point. A "MAP," if you will.
We shouldn't shield children, pets, or smart-home devices from healthy sexual expression, especially when it's got a sense of humor. "WAP" is fun because sex is fun. Unfortunately, there's a whole legion of brainless Karens and reactionary zombies who missed the joke. These uneducated and misguided prudes claim to be offended by the sexiness itself — which is to say, the entire core of the song. It's insane, really, as if all these finger-waggers poofed into existence spontaneously rather than via the very normal vehicle "WAP" is about.
I know we've all been stuck inside for months, but no adult in this nation missed the '90s. You can bet your flat white ass that the stuck-up, 33-year-old moms sweatin' this video once rubbed a sequined butt on a date's crotch while Ludacris' "What's Your Fantasy" blasted at a school dance. Is it somehow different for Juvenile to demand we "Back That Azz Up" than when Lil' Kim asked us, "How Many Licks?"
Cardi and Meg are hardly the first women to take pride in their genital profligacy. In 2004, when Miami's own Jacki-O said in her single, "Fine," "They see the ghetto booty, and they know it's lunchtime/Gourmet cuisine got 'em actin' silly/He ain't even fuck, I only let him suck the titties" — I felt that in my soul.
A full 18 years before "WAP" got so allegedly "aggressive," Khia's "My Neck, My Back" inspired women everywhere to take charge and tell their lovers how they like to be orally pleased, and it broke the top 50 of the Billboard Hot 100.
To this day, we know no "Nann" human "who quick to deep throat the dick/And let another bitch straight lick the clit” than world-renowned Miamian and undisputed "baddest bitch” Trina.
As Cardi noted in a recent tweet, Miami has a rich history of sexual overtones, and for good reason. In 1987, a store clerk was charged with a felony merely for selling a 2 Live Crew CD. Uncle Luke and his crew famously fought the Florida Supreme Court for their right to be As Nasty As They Wanna Be. And won.
To claim that Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion are anything other than patriots is laughable at best and dangerous at most. These women are heroes standing on the shoulders of so many before them.
Do not slander the pussy-eaters, ass-beaters, freak hoes, and long-dick players that make this country worth sneaking into.
Instead of sitting there hating until your forehead cracks in two, take the stick out of your ass and let your jelly jiggle. It might feel weird at first, but then it'll feel really good.
Remember: There's no reason to fear a wet-ass pussy. Sheets can be washed. Orgasms are always special.