Save the Cheerleader, Save the World | New Times Broward-Palm Beach

Save the Cheerleader, Save the World

Men by the thousands are dazzled when they wink coyly into news cameras. Football players share their coveted Gatorade with them like prehistoric man shared fire. And if there is a nuclear threat, you can be sure that politicians have made a special underground bunker large enough to hold only themselves and the Dolphin Cheerleaders.

If we were all able to tap into our core female seductiveness the way these girls do, there would be no wars, every night at every bar would be Ladies’ Night, and we’d all be CEO’s because dudes would want to be “under us.” For this to happen we need you women to rise up and infiltrate the Miami Dolphin Cheerleader auditions, being held on Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. at Dolphin Stadium (2269 Dan Marino Blvd., Miami). Then take what you’ve learned back to the nest and share their secrets with the rest of us.

It might be slightly uncomfortable if you’re not naturally the “pom pom type.” Auditions begin with a freestyle dance contest in groups of five. Here’s a tip: The other girls will be doing sultry power-thrusts, but to stay competitive you’ll have to set yourself apart. We suggest the cabbage patch, going into the Roger Rabbit, and then seal the deal with the Kid ´n´ Play. Oh, and lots of spirit fingers, that’s big with them – our research team read that in a book somewhere. If you advance to the next round – you will, we can feel it – you’ll learn a canned routine/kick line number. Yes! A kick line! Use your shoulder-to-shoulder time to bend the ears of the real cheerleaders. Our lives and futures are in your hands. Visit to fill out the required application, and bring a photo (maybe that one of you playing the tuba?).
Sat., April 5, 2008