The Suck-O-Meter | New Times Broward-Palm Beach

The Suck-O-Meter

In terms of pure Xs and Os, there’s probably a better chance of Ricky Williams’ torn pectoral muscle donning pads and winning the rushing title than the Dolphins notching a win this week against the Ravens. Which is why fans need to turn to a more creative system — divorced of silly things like numbers and stats — to gauge the Fins’ chances of victory. Well, look no further than our own expertly crafted, categorical point-by-point matchup to predict the final score today at Dolphin Stadium (2269 Dan Marino Blvd., Miami).

Divine Intervention in a Loss

Dolphins: The Phantom Hold, courtesy of special-teamer Greg Camarillo’s telekinetic powers. It never happened, but it erased an 86-yard kick return by Ted Ginn that would’ve beaten Buffalo on Nov. 11.

Points: +6 Ted Ginn points

Ravens: The Immaculate Deflection, from the boot of Browns’ kicker Phil Dawson. His game-tying field goal attempt in the final seconds bounced off the support beam, and the Ravens won. Or so they thought. Minutes later, the refs decided Dawson’s kick was actually good, forcing overtime, where the Ravens lost.

Points:+14 Coach Brian Billick balks

Desperation Factor

Dolphins: 16 straight losses (going back to last season), the worst streak in franchise history. Don Shula petitions to add an asterisk to the team’s logo.*

*Miami Dolphins: May contain trace amounts of football, peanuts

Points: -10 perfect seasons

Ravens: 7 straight losses, the worst streak in franchise history. Brian Billick possibly, maybe considers a new offensive strategy. His secret weapon: Kyle Boller.

Points: -4 Trent Dilfer championship rings

Sore Losing as an Art Form

Dolphins: Jason Taylor on the Dec. 2 loss to the Jets: “They suck, too. They beat us. They’ll go home happy, and their fans will be happy that they got three wins this year.” Right about now, Taylor would love three wins.

Points: +17 J.E.T.S. chants

Ravens: Terrell Suggs on bad officiating in the Dec. 3 loss to the Pats: “It’s kind of the feeling of the 2001 tuck rule. That is the NFL for you, man. When they got [Tom Brady] selling a lot of tickets, you want to keep him selling tickets.”

Points: +3 tossed penalty flags

Final Score: Dolphins 13, Ravens 13. Lets face it: No one’s a winner here. Tickets start at $29. Call 1-888-FINS-TIX, or visit
Sun., Dec. 16, 1 p.m., 2007