Ethical Eating

I'm Eating What?! Russian Sweet Puffcorn With Honey Flavor

​Maybe the name of this product doesn't sound stimulating or very unusual, but you have to understand that all we saw when we picked up the bag was a bunch of Russian gibberish, a drawing of honeycombs, and an illustration of a bee spilling honey into a skillet held in the paws of a rollerblading cat. That, folks, reeked of entertainment value. 

So we shelled out the $1.99 in the interest of science and ripped open the bag. An incredibly strong honey aroma leaped out and assaulted our noses. Surely some people welcome the smell of honey, but we are not such people. It seemed repulsive.

Yet we forged ahead, sheepishly extracting one pastel-yellow nugget caked with a white powdery substance and quickly popping it in our mouths. 

And here are our initial observations: 

Taste: Like a Cheez Doodle wherein honey replaces the cheese. But supersugary. A bag of these could easily pass for a breakfast cereal if it weren't for the fact that each "doodle" is about an inch long and requires the entire real estate of one's mouth for mastication.

Scent: Pretty disgusting at first, but that initial burst of honeyed ick dissipates quickly as the brain convinces the nose to shut the hell up and shove more in the mouth.

Sound: Delightfully crispy-crunchy. Probably not loud enough to disturb neighbors, but entertaining enough to make one attempt to let others in on the fact that you are enjoying a snack they've never seen or heard of. 

Feel: Leaves a powdery substance on the fingers that invites licking afterward. Good times.

Addictiveness factor: In the short term, dangerously high. In the long term, probably forgettable. We couldn't tell what an actual serving size is, but we suspect you could pick up the bag about six times and have a satisfying sugar fix. That, friends, is a value.

Worrisome fact: The ingredients include corn meal, sugar, sunflower oil, water, and salt, which all seem perfectly plausible, but then there's a mention of "natural identical flavor -- 'honey.'" Hmmm. What flavor is identical to honey? Suspect.

So if you are asking who should eat this, aside from Russians, perhaps the best answer is anyone who craves "natural identical honey." And anyone who believes rollerskating cats and honey-pouring bumblebees can cook together.