Food News

The Burger Beast Talks Mascots


Does anyone even know who the McDonaldland and The Burger King Kingdom characters are anymore?

I can't remember a time when I didn't know who Ronald McDonald or the Burger King were. Sure, the friendly Burger King of the past was nothing like today's creepy King (that guy freaks me out). And Ronald's clownish mug used to be all over the place when I was growing up. But the other characters seem to have gotten lost in the shuffle.

I was in Downtown Disney not too long and I saw a 10-year-old boy ask his parents who that giant purple creature outside the McDonald's was. What? That's Grimace little dude. Grimace!

Does anyone remember when Grimace was evil? Or when he had four arms? What about the Hamburglar (robble, robble)? That guy was always trying

to steal burgers! Captain Crook was also a famous thief, but his big

weakness was fish fillets (he must have been hard up).

There were good guys too. The Big Mac worked diligently to stop the

Hamburglar and Captain Crook. Mayor McCheese, Birdie the Early Bird,

Fry Kids, and the Hamburger Patch. The list goes on and on.

The Burger King Kingdom Characters were less known. Sir Shakes-A-Lot

was always cold. The Burger Thing was essentially a 3D wall puppet.

Funny enough, I recently saw one for sale on eBay.

I barely remember the Wizard Of Fries, other than the fact that he was

a robot. But who could forget the Burger King's worst enemy, the Duke

of Doubt?

In the 1980s, the Dade County Youth Fair held stage performances with

the McDonaldland characters. I used to collect anything and everything

with these characters on them: sometimes in toy version or via glasses

only available with the purchase of McDonald's Happy Meals or Burger

King's Kids Meal Pack. I used to go to Burger King and hope to run in

to the Burger King himself and get the chance to wear one of those

paper crowns. I used to go McDonald's and hope to interrupt someone

else's birthday party, because I knew that meant Ronald would be there

(yes, we were on a first name basis, baby). I used to think all these

characters would be around forever.

But nothing lasts forever. Except old, styrofoam Big Mac packaging.

They say the Burger Beast is eight-foot-two and can down a ten-pound

patty in a single bite. Unidentified witnesses have seen him walk

through Kendall, pick up a cow by the tail, wrap it in a Holsum bread truck, and eat it for a snack. When he's not roving the land, seeking out all things Burger related, he's writing about it on his website,