I'm certainly not the first person to notice that Taco Bell primarily has about five ingredients: Beef (sometimes ground, sometimes in larger chunks and called steak), chicken, tortillas, rice, and cheese. Every couple weeks, the powers that be at Taco Bell headquarters will come up with a new combination of the ingredients and release a brand new menu item. My personal favorites have been when the Gordita was deep fried and became a Chalupa, and the Crunch Wrap Supreme which essentially jams everything Taco Bell has into a tortilla and cooks it on a sandwich press.
Every once in a while, Taco Bell comes across a new ingredient and their entire menu explodes. Such is the case when a couple tons of bacon showed up on Taco Bell's doorstep. They threw bacon into Chalupas, tacos, tostadas, and now their strangest burrito of all: The half-pound beef and potato burrito.
Even the advertisement for the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito looks off.
First of all, where is Taco Bell getting these potatoes? And why? I'm
guessing someone over at KFC ordered a few too many orders of potatoes
for their wedges and decided to push them off on their sister
restaurant. Secondly, why put the potatoes inside a burrito? I'm
determined to find out.
I order the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito, which costs a shade under $3,
a small fortune at Taco Bell. I watch the tortilla get passed along the
assembly line, getting stuffed with a spoonful of potatoes, bacon, and
beef. Then they pull out the caulking guns and squirt some sour cream
on top and finally, pump a stream of glowing orange cheese over the
whole thing. The last young lady on the assembly line wraps it up
lightning fast, places it in a bag, and hands it to me with a smile.
The first thing I notice is the weight of the burrito. It's very light,
not nearly a half pound. I can't complain about it just yet because
something tells me it might be a blessing. I take the burrito to a
lonely table in the corner and begin taking pictures like some sort of
lunatic. To cement my place in the insane asylum my fellow patrons
pictured me in, I couldn't help but break out in laughter when I opened
the burrito.
I'll never unsee that image. To be fair, the inside of a burrito isn't
ever a pretty sight, no matter how high quality the ingredients.
They're all mashed together for a reason, and separating them doesn't
look good under any light. However, this looks like a Jackson Pollack
painting. I'm actually thinking about submitting the picture to some
art galleries. Once my laughter and fascination subside, I wrap the
whole thing back up and take a bite.
Salt. That's what this burrito tastes like. The beef, potatoes, and
bacon are all very salty on their own, but the trifecta in this burrito
dehydrates me immediately. Once the rush of salt leaves my palate, I
realize this burrito tastes almost exactly like a microwave baked
potato. The soggy chunks of potato are swimming in orange cheese
flavored liquid and low grade meat juices, the bacon is the same
consistency as beef jerky, and the entire thing is coated in hot sour
cream.
I'm sure when you're stopping at Taco Bell, you're not hoping for a
gourmet meal. You're probably drunk, short on cash, or craving calories
at 2:30 a.m. Still, you might want to avoid the Bacon Cheesy Potato
Burrito. Unless you've got a horse in the back seat who's fresh out of
salt-lick.
