Five Theories Behind the Real Reason Jay-Z and Beyoncé Went to Cuba

Cuban-Americans and certain members of Congress are getting their pee-pee-soaked pantaloons in a major twist over Jay-Z and Beyoncé celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary in Cuba. 

Of course, the United States upholds a 50-plus-year embargo against the island nation that prohibits American citizens from traveling there. 

Well, average American citizens, that is. When you're Jay-Z and Beyoncé, all it takes is a quick text to Barry O., and blammo, you're strolling the streets of Havana and being followed by paparazzi using cameras from the 1950s.

But in all the uproar over whether the pair should have made the trip -- and whether it was a "people-to-people" culturally worthy visit in the first place -- no one stopped to think about why they were really in Cuba.

We have some theories.

Does it get more exclusive than a country you need to get explicit permission to enter? 

But at the same time, Jay-Z and Beyoncé could travel anywhere they want in the entire world and/or outer space. Seriously, you don't think if Jay and Bey wanted to "take in the sights" like nobody else, they would have hitched piggy-back style onto Lance Bass' jet-pack and gone right for freakin' Mars? We suspect something other than wanderlust inspired the couple's jaunt.

4. Jay-Z Wants to Open the First McDonald's in Cuba After Castro Dies

You don't think the Roc-a-fella founder and former Def Jam CEO doesn't know a thing or two about diversification? Jay's empire does not stop at hit singles and successfully defeating Nas in a bid for Biggie's NYC rap throne. Case in point: The Brooklyn Nets. Sports leads to videogames, which, of course, leads to fast food. And before you know it, Jay-Z is buying out the Hamburgler and changing the country's national motto to "I'm luvin' it."

3. Castro Is Dead and Blue Ivy Was Named His Successor

Before he died and his death was covered up (or so we believe), Fidel was always a weird fucking guy. And his intense inability to avoid croaking at all costs was preceded by an evolving period of advancing senility. 

Remember that time he went on and on to the Atlantic about dolphins while attending an impromptu private visit to the local aquarium? Besides, the whole damned world knows all about the dictator's hairy-palmed penchant for "Crazy in Love." Look, is the suggestion that Beyoncé's baby has been named the next fascist Leviathan of the island nation of Cuba really that unreasonable?

2. Tupac Granted the Couple an Audience

The best argument we've heard for why Fidel is not secretly dead is that we're sure in the aftermath of his passing, the world will come to learn a great deal of about the tyrant's ultra-hush-hush covert activities. For example, hosting Tupac while he lives in exile hiding from Suge Knight. Which would explain why the Hovs dropped in. Jay wanted to see if he could rent Makaveli's hologram for his tour with Justin Timberlake.

1. Jay-Z and Beyoncé Are Members of the Illuminati

And part of being members of the Illuminati is being allowed to go to places like Cuba. How else do you think Dennis Rodman made it to North Korea?