Talking Shit

¿Que Pasa, M.I.A.? Walter Mercado For a Day

Editor's Note: In this week's column, José El Rey asked readers to submit questions and he'd "lead them to a better living."

My old lady doesn't love me what should I do?

I hate answering questions with more questions. Do you mean old lady like your mom? No, no, no... Old girl is your mom! That's right. I was stranded in Opa Locka one night and my mom came to pick me up and the neighborhood fellows asked me, "Carlos! That your old girl?" By this point I had accepted that Carlos was slang for Jose, I answered them, "No! That's my mom!" Oh, how they laughed. At any rate, Joseph, if your elderly girlfriend doesn't love you, it is your responsibility to act like you don't love her. More importantly, act like you love many other, older ladies. To look better than her. 

Croquetas: Jamon or Pollo...?

I go for pollo. Love it. Many times the cafeteria has none of these left, so I'll take the ham ones. Ham croquetas are pretty awesome. As long as they are doused in lemon and placed between two saltines, all croquetas are glorious. Except the bacalao ones, que hasco! I got tricked into eating those at an early age. Tip of the day: make sure the food you are about to eat is not secretly loaded with gross fish product

What is the proper way to chug a quart for both style and speed?

Quart chugging is a physical, mental and spiritual contest. Prayer to God or Jesus or your own specific Higher Power, a stomach full of merenguitos and brain full of rage or sorrow are the 3 key ingredients to drinking a drink at inhuman speeds. I'd not recommend entering this sport after eating Indian foods, or if you have a lack of faith and if you are in a good mood. Resentment and hurt are the engine to strong quart chugging.

What do i do about the voices?

Pretend like you are paying attention, nod and smile. But, really. you are thinking about what to wear to tonight. The voices won't know.

What do I do about my fashion and grooming? It is not making ladies attracted to me!

Do not wear brown. Do not wear shoes with laces. Do not wear baseball cap. Brush you teeth and wear 2 kinds of cologne, one for your upper body and the other one for below the belt.

I told a lady I loved her after only knowing her for 2 days, what do I do?
Sweet Mama J

I tell people I love them after only 2 seconds of knowing them. It is a very quick and powerful way to make them want to have love with you. If they are scared by the notion of love, tell them it is only a trick to make them let you in their pants. If they are in more love with you and start to call you/stalk you: enjoy! Drama is very fun and full of dangerous surprises. The best is when the lady is waiting for you "by coincidence" right outside your house. Feel the adrenaline, read the scary notes and above all else change your locks and change your name.