We at New Times pride ourselves on our keen sense of journalistic curiosity. So we knew we had something when one of our interns walked into the office with a gold envelope that said "To: Santa. HURRY UP DUMB ASS MAILMEN"
Turns out it was a letter to Kris Kringle from none other than Kanye West himself. Trust me, I know it sounds crazy, but Yeezy didn't use enough stamps. We transcribed the letter for you to enjoy below. Sorry, Kanye.
First of all, thank you and respect for doing your thing with all those presents. I can relate to that because I too deliver presents to everyone in the world on a daily basis in the form of my genius artistic creations.
Second of all, FUCK YOU SANTA YOU FAT BITCH!!! Coming in MY HOUSE! Eating #MYCOOKIES! You ain't NOTHING Santa!! I'm a better Santa than you! I got a big fluffy white beard too!!! I got red cheeks and when I find something humorous I laugh all like, "Ho Ho Ho." I AM A CLAUS!!!!!
I apologize, Santa. I feel that we got off on the wrong foot. Let's both admit that we were wrong in that situation and move on. #NODISRESPECTTOSANTACLAUS #ALLDISRESPECTTOJIMMYKIMMEL
This year has been the best year in the history of years. I'm engaged to the girl of my dreams. Her name is Kim and she's very smart but most people don't realize that she's also one of the funniest people alive. Yesterday she answered a banana like it was a phone. Then she started crying and smacking the banana on the floor because she said her phone wasn't working. She was very committed to that joke. Just a few minutes ago she handed me the banana again and asked me if I knew anyone who could fix her phone. She is a comedic genius.
My album Yeezus dropped this year and was instantly voted best album in the history of the universe by an overwhelming majority of the Kardashian Thanksgiving dinner table. My line of kilts has absolutely revolutionized the fashion industry. I'm told there is now a population of men in somewhere called Scotland who wear them all the time. I don't know where that is, but please bring Scot some fly presents as well for all his support.
And so far I have only smiled three times this year, which is a big improvement from last year's five smiles and a sheepish grin.
But being the greatest artist in all of history has not allowed me much time to shop for my loved ones. Personally, I have everything I want, but I will need you to distribute the following gifts on my behalf.
1.) Please deliver to Jay Z and Beyoncé a pacifier, or a crib, or one of those things that tells you what sounds animals make. I don't know. Whatever dumb ass shit babies like.
I have yet to see Jay Z or Beyoncé since they had a baby. It is very difficult for me to be in the same room as babies, because they are attention thieves.
2.) Please deliver to Taylor Swift the same thing the same thing we deliver to her every year: One dozen dead petunias with attached note that reads,
"I AIN'T SORRY BITCH!!
p.s. you got squinty eyes."
3.) Please deliver one signed headshot (you can fake the signatures) of me, Kanye West, over the grieving nation of South Africa. My face will serve as a reminder that there is still one great man alive in the world.
4.) And finally, my girl Kim keeps getting her head stuck in the refrigerator. Can you please make those little ass elves get to work on a safer refrigerator -- maybe one with more headroom, preferably full of hummus. THAT GIRL GOES THROUGH SOME #HUMMUS!!!!
The greatest genius in the history of the world,