Some coaster at a bar once read, "Beer is proof that God exists and wants us to be happy." We're not going to bore you with the definition of a "logical fallacy," but we feel this statement leaves some facts unrepresented.
Yes, drinking is fun, but contrary to what you'd like to believe, it is possible to have too much fun. When you're the one drinking, everything is gravy. It doesn't matter if you can't stand up straight or stopped forming real words an hour ago; you're having the time of your life!
Kudos to you and all that, but you're kind of really bothering the rest of us. We usually shy away from confrontation in public, but since we're online, we'll gladly take a moment to air our grievances in the public sphere. We've already dealt with the drunk guys, so now it's the ladies turn. If you're one of the below specimens, consider turning it down a smidge.
10. "Woo" Girl
This is the loudest lady at the bar. Seriously, you can't miss her. She's had a few too many shots, and she's having more fun than you ever thought humanly possible. It's not that you're hating on her for having a good time; it's just that she keeps making that shrill banshee scream every five minutes. Trust us, nothing is that exciting in real life. There is no way every song the jukebox plays is really your favorite song. Your girlfriend's jokes are not that funny. Someone needs to put a sock in this one's mouth before we punch her in the face.
9. Suddenly-Lesbian Girl
Some girls come out of the closet when they're in high school and are forced to face the jeers and offensively sexualized comments of shithead classmates. They've heard all the same obnoxious come-ons, such as, "But how can you be sure?," "You wouldn't be gay if you spent a night with me," etc.
Despite the slow-moving legalization of gay marriage across the country and the success of such television shows as Glee and The L Word, actually being a lesbian in the United States is no walk in the park. So you can see why it's so annoying when you, totally blasted girl, start making out with your sorority sister in front of all the frat bros just to get a rise out of them and maybe score a threesome. You're perpetuating dehumanizing stereotypes and generally making an ass of yourself. Please, do your struggling sisters a favor and cut the crap.
8. Thinks She Can Dance Like Beyoncé Girl
How many Long Island ice teas does it take until you look like Beyoncé in the "Partition" music video? That's a trick question, because the more you feel like Beyoncé, the less you actually look like it. Saying "I woke up like this" is less sexy when you wake up in your bathtub with ketchup on your face. This drunk girl thinks she can dance because her body is more fluid, and actually, it is, but she still has nowhere near the muscle control that the divine diva can pull off, and flailing yourself around the bar seductively is not as sexy as you think. Yeah, you may get laid at the end of it all, but less because your moves are so tempting and more because you're like the weakened gazelle at the back of the pack. Remember to drink and dance responsibly.
7. Thinks She Can Sing Like Beyoncé Girl
Maybe you're not the dancing kind of chick and you're more into showing off those pipes. The same principle applies. After one or two shots, you're feeling brave and limber. You start singing along with your buddies, and you keep drinking. At the bottom of a few more glasses is your chance to kill it at karaoke, and you're really letting loose. You feel so good about it, you start hogging the mic, and you think everyone is having as much fun as you are. Trust us, boo, your friends are just good friends. Try out for American Idol if you want to, but don't quit your day job.
6. 21st Birthday Girl
The whole point of turning 21 is to get as shitfaced as humanly possible without actually poisoning yourself or choking on your own vomit. You don't know how good your friends are until they've shoved 21 different alcohol varieties down your throat. It's true, we've all been here, but it doesn't make your big day any less obnoxious to those around you.
Of course, if you're going to be annoying, celebrating the moment you've waited your whole life for is the best get-out-of-jail-free card you can get — unless you actually end up in jail, and then you should probably get some new friends.
5. Sick Girl
Some of us can handle our liquor, some of us can't, and then some of us just overestimated how big that dinner was. Being sick is nothing to be ashamed of, but here's a bit of advice: If you're going to be sick and there's only one stall in the whole bar, be kind and take your wet heaves to the alley outside. Some of us really have to piss, and there's no way we're peeing on the street because of you. You earned your shame. Get a glass of water, sleep on it, and you'll be fine.
4. Crying Girl
It's not a party until there's a girl crying hysterically by the door. Why is she still here? Where are her friends? Does anyone know where Megan is?!
No one knows, you puffy-faced mess of a human.
You can try to be a Good Samaritan and get her a glass of water, maybe a tissue. Feel free to lend a helpful ear, but dear Lord, don't give her your cell phone.
Next thing you know, you're helping her make 20 calls to people who don't want to hear it, and you stand around to no avail for a good hour. Unless you want to say goodbye to your whole evening, it's best to let this one sort itself out.
3. Make-out Mistake Girl
Drinking makes people horny, and it also lowers inhibitions. Dudes like to talk about beer goggles, but women are just as prone to bad bedroom decisions when hosed. Some women drink themselves into such a stupor, they just start making out with whoever is closest.
Sometimes it's one guy; sometimes it's ten or more. No matter the number, the likelihood that you'll actually find that dude attractive in the morning is slim to none. Ladies, if you see your girlfriend making out with a five or lower, do the right thing and pry her away. Then yell at the dude for taking advantage of your friend. Even if he doesn't deserve it, he deserves it.
2. Coke Girl
"Hey, what's that you got there? Can I have some?" Oh, what an adorable little monkey you've got on your back.
How come you seem to like coke so much but you never seem to have your own? Don't be fooled by her charms. She says she's just going to do a little bit, but she's actually going to share it with all of her friends. In fact, you may never see this baggy again.
1. "Best Friends Forever" Girl
This girl has said maybe ten words to you in the history of ever, but get her lubed up with a few drinks and she will be on you like white on rice. You're, like, totally her new best friend. She's going to spend the next three hours making lifelong plans with you, and the best thing you can do is go along with it, push her to do embarrassing things, and then take pictures. Maybe that's mean, but maybe she should be a more discerning human being. Either way, she's never going to talk to you again, so what do you have to lose?
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.
