The NBA season kicks off tonight when the Miami Heat hosts the Boston Celtics. But before that, the Heat players will be receiving their championship rings and unveiling their 2011-12 NBA Finals Champions big-ass banner that will hang in the rafters at the American Airlines Arena like a giant pair of testicles tea-bagging all of America.
And here's the better news: What's to stop the Heat from doing it again this year? Aside from a major injury to one of the Big Three, the answer is NOTHING. More to the point, the answer is NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Because the Heat is the best basketball team on the planet. And while there are many reasons why they'll repeat this year, we want you to be ready to answer the haterz when they ask for specifics.
So here's the Top Seven reasons why the Heat will repeat.
Why seven? Because NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT FOUR, NOT FIVE...
7. Because Jesus Shuttlesworth Saves!
The douche must have been unbearable in Boston for Ray Allen to accept less money and a minimized role to come play for the Heat. The Boston Celtics organization is filled with so much douche, one of its all-time greatest players couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. They have a douchebag general manager, douchebag fans, and they have three of the biggest douchebags in the NBA in Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, and Paul Pierce. So. Much. DOUCHE. Ray Allen, who has always been a classy dude, clearly didn't fit in with the rest of the douchery. So it's only fitting that he would come to a nondouche team, where he can spend his time kicking douche ass.
6. Because the Eastern Conference Is a Bucket of Piss
Forget the Western Conference for a second and consider the first obstacle the Heat must overcome to get back to the finals: the conference in which they dominated last season. The Celtics will be there in the end, because douche is hard to kill. But by the time the playoffs roll around, everyone on the roster will resemble one of those old skeletons Indiana Jones always unearths when he's looking for the Ark. The Bulls? Yes, Derrick Rose is a fine player. He never smiles, and he's so goddamned humble. But he's coming off a major knee injury. Also, LeBron James jumped over one of their players last year. Who does that leave? Indiana? They're a feisty bunch, but LeBron can swat them with his penis and it's all over.
5. Because Shane Battier Will Shut Down Your Best Perimeter Player While He Explains the Fermat's Last Theorem
The Professor had a rough start to the season last year. His three-point shots wouldn't fall, and his defense was suspect. But then he went back to the lab, calculated how the arc of his shot can satisfy the equation an + bn = cn for any integer value of n greater than two, traveled to Utah, and flushed down six three-pointers on the Jazz. From there on out, Battier was not only a force to be reckoned with on offense but became the sticky defender the Heat wanted him to be. That's why Pat Riley wanted him down here. And, in the playoffs, Battier delivered. It's safe to say that without the Professor, the Heat wouldn't have beaten the Oklahoma City Thunder in the finals. Every time OKC would go on a run, Battier would nail a NOT SO FAST, GOOD SIR three-pointer, ending any semblance of momentum for the Thunder. Now he enters his second full season with the Heat. And don't think Battier wasn't calculating numbers and theorems on how to best utilize his buttocks-kicking ways during the offseason.
4. Because Mike Miller Is the Undead
Last year, Mike Miller ran around from one court to the other like someone stapled his scrotum to his thighs. The man was a broken human, unable to stand up straight or play without pain. At one point in the season, he was declared legally dead. But he fought through the misery and survived into the playoffs, where he threw down SEVEN three-pointers in the deciding game of the NBA Finals. What a way to end a career! Go out on top! A hero! You'll never have to pay for another meal in this town again! And then, he announced that he would forgo surgery and play for the Heat again. Mike Miller is going to burst into a cloud of dust before the season is over, but he's going out on his own terms. Even better, the man looks HEALTHY. He's been consistently draining threes during the preseason and started his own rally cry with Heat fans ("LET IT FLY"). It's annoying as shit, but Mike Miller gets a free pass, so it's cool. He does this year what he did for this team last year, and Mike can have fans yell out "MY MOM IS A DIRTY PIRATE HOOKER!" at games and it'll be fine.
3. Because Dwyane Wade Is Looking for Sarah Connor
Every year, we hear how one of these seasons D-Wade is just going to collapse into a sack of meat and bones because he plays the game with reckless abandon, has a small body, and is getting old. Fuck. That. Noise. Because Wade always manages to come through when it matters most. Remember the Indiana series? His knee was basically a Dr. Scholl's gel insert, and fans were ready to run him out of town. Then he snapped out of his malaise and proceeded to wreck Pacers ass with impunity, not to mention silence the trolls once and for fucking all. Wade is a two-time NBA champ and a maestro on the court. And, as he seems to prove year after year, he's obviously a cyborg (MV3 model) that just needs his batteries replaced every now and then so he can go back to flushing down dunks and making ridiculous alley-oops to LeBron on a nightly basis. Dwyane Wade is not a man. He is the Terminator.
2. Because Any and All "Enforcers" Will Be Properly Skullfucked by One Udonis Haslem
1. Because....
Cobradick.
Enjoy the season, Heat fans. It's gonna be the tits.
Follow @NewTimesBroward
