Ten Things Clients Hate About Escorts

Calling up an escort is supposed to usher in an hour or two (or, hell, 20 minutes) of pleasure and release. It's not supposed to cause headaches. Sometimes instead of getting a happy ending, you feel chafed -- and not in a good way.

Or at least those are some of the problems revealed by the good gentlemen frequenting South Florida's They've been bantering for weeks about pet peeves "hobbyists" harbor regarding "providers."

So we perused their problems and boiled down the ten best escort complaints.

10. Blackmail
"I hate when you go to the bathroom and the provider goes through your cell phone to extract phone numbers of people to blackmail you with later."

9. Baby Strollers
"She asks, 'Do you want full service or just a massage?' while a baby stroller is two feet away."

8. The Scent of Whore
"So much perfume that I smell like a whore."

7. What's on TV?
"Watching TV soaps out of the corners of her eyes during fellatio."

6. Leftovers
"Wet spots on the bed BEFORE the date."

5. Blame It on Guys
"She tells you the reason she does this is because her ex-boyfriend proved to her that all men are scum."

4. Professional Confusion
"You book a one-hour appointment for 5 p.m. She opens the door and asks, 'Are you my 5 or 5:30?'"

3. Impatient Drivers
"I hate the driver sitting in your driveway the whole time."

2. Quick Change
"You tell her to wear stockings and heels. She shows up and changes on the spot."

1. Lack of BJ Style
"Using your thumb and index finger, with your pinky finger pointing up, and only letting it enter the first nanometer of your mouth does not make it 'a classy BJ.'"