Meet Caper, South Florida's Fastest Wiener Dog | New Times Broward-Palm Beach


Meet Caper, South Florida's Fastest Wiener Dog

Meet Caper, South Florida's Fastest Wiener Dog from Voice Media Group on Vimeo.

In case you haven't noticed, it's October. And -- in Florida -- that means sexy Halloween costumes, pumpkin-flavored everything, and the Sunshine State's take on that alcohol-fueled German festival known as Oktoberfest.

Last weekend, it was Oakland Park's turn. The two-day homage to the Germans' love of beer and phallic foods took place at Jaco Pastorius Park in Oakland Park (a city that loves beer almost as much as it loves throwing the word "park" at the end of things).

The two-day event boasted food, beer, live music, lederhosen, carnival rides, but -- most important -- dozens and dozens of adorably cylindrical dachshunds. You might know them as wiener dogs, or -- for the vegetarians -- carrot pups.

Why were there so many dachshunds? Luckily not to assemble a considerably more adorable version of the human centipede (you can have that one, Hollywood). No, those magical little Pringles cans with legs were there for one reason and one reason only: to race.

And, boy, did they. The race was held on Saturday at 5 p.m.. The rain cleared and the clouds separated just in time for the sun to shine brightly, heating up those little wieners like they were on display at 7-Eleven. The course was about 20 yards in length. The conditions were slightly wet, which no doubt had an effect on the wieners' ability to get up the course quickly. Some didn't even cross the finish line, curving like a wet noodle across the course to sniff the other distracted wieners.

But seven heats and many exhausted sausage canines later, we had a winning wiener. Yes, Caper, a handsome, brown 3-year-old female, proved to be the fastest wiener since Anthony Weiner heard they were giving half-priced lap dances down at the Booby Trap.

Standing at an imposing nine inches, 11 pounds, Caper grilled the competition and became South Florida's fastest wiener dog. Though it can't be ignored that Caper has never officially been tested for performance-enhancing drugs, and her incredibly tiny testicles (some might go so far as to call them nonexistent) will no doubt cast an asterisk next to her name in the history books.

Other highlights from the festival included a children's slide that appeared disturbingly similar to what we imagine a T-rex performing fellatio on King Kong would look like (from a side angle, the aforementioned slide also made it appear as if the frisky T-rex were pooping out children) and a carnival ride we suspect was designed by Michelle Obama. You can see an example of the slide and the P-90X carnival ride on the next page.