NBA.com took their annual general manager survey recently and, according to the consensus, the Miami Heat will repeat as NBA champions, this time beating the L.A. Lakers.
The thirty GMs of the NBA were asked 57 questions with topics ranging from who will win the MVP, to best off-season moves, to best teams.
The one rule in the survey is that GMs were not allowed to vote for their own team, player or coaches. The result of the survey is based on percentages.
Since we don't give a shit about any other team but the Heat, here are the results in which they won:
Which team will win the 2013 NBA Finals?
1. Miami -- 70.0%
2. L.A. Lakers -- 23.3%
3. Oklahoma City -- 6.7%
The Heat won this category last year as well, with 74.1 percent. Apparently people think the Lakers will be a viable threat to dethroning the Heat.
Which team will win the Eastern Conference?
1. Miami -- 96.7%
2. Boston -- 3.3%
HOW CAN BAWSTAHHN ONLY GET THREE PERCENT?? WE HAVE RAYJAAHHN RANDO THA GREATEST POINT GAWWD IN THA FACKING LEAGUE YA FACKING CAWKSACKAAHHSS!! RAY ALLAN IS A FACKIN TRAYTAHH!! LET'S GO SAWWKKS!!
Which team will win the Southeast Division?
1. Miami -- 96.7%
2. Atlanta -- 3.3%
Who are the asshole GMs that picked the Hawks to win the Southeast? Seriously. These are the dipshits that don't even bother reading the survey, but just arbitrarily fill in the bubbles and then go about their day. There can be no other explanation.
Who will win the 2012-13 MVP?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 66.7%
2. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City -- 30.0%
3. Carmelo Anthony, New York -- 3.3%
Durant is a serious contender for the award (as he should be). But selecting anyone but LeBron would be stupid. And we know the voters would never pick another guy over LeBron for this award. Why, that would be ludicrous!
If you were starting a franchise today and could sign any player in the NBA, who would it be?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 80.0%
2. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City -- 16.7%
3. Dwight Howard, L.A. Lakers -- 3.3%
Cobra Dick is the foundation to awesomeness.
Which player forces opposing coaches to make the most adjustments?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 50.0%
2. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City -- 20.0%
3. Dwight Howard, L.A. Lakers -- 16.7%
4. Chris Paul, L.A. Clippers -- 6.7%
Other than get the fuck out of the way, or hack the shit out of him, or clubbing him in the knee with a frozen turkey leg, what other kind of adjustment can be made?
Who is the best small forward in the NBA?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 73.3%
2. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City -- 26.7%
Crazy by how much LeBron wins this one.
Which is the best defensive team in the NBA?
1. Chicago -- 40.0%
2. Miami -- 26.7%
3. Boston -- 23.3%
4. L.A. Lakers -- 6.7%
5. San Antonio -- 3.3%
Here's one where Miami comes in second. Sure, the Bulls are predicated around stifling defense. But the best defense is having a guy who can freight train his way through the opposing team. So, the Heat should win this one by default.
Which team is the most fun to watch?
1. Oklahoma City -- 30.0%
2. Miami -- 26.7%
3. Denver -- 16.7%
4. Golden State -- 6.7%, L.A. Clippers -- 6.7%, San Antonio -- 6.7%
OKC edges Miami on this one. Sure, they're up tempo and fast, but the Heat... have.... THIS.
No. Seriously. Watch that again.
Which team has the best home-court advantage?
1. Oklahoma City -- 70.0%
2. Miami -- 10.0%, Utah -- 10.0%
But Miami fans are the worst in the universe!! They show up late and then take a nap during the game!! HOW CAN THIS BE??
Which player is the most athletic?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 62.1%
2. Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City -- 20.7%
3. Blake Griffin, L.A. Clippers -- 13.8%
4. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City -- 3.4%
Which player is most likely to demolish my team's collective anus??
Which player is the best pure shooter?
1. Ray Allen, Miami -- 56.7%
2. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City -- 20.0%
3. Steve Novak, New York -- 6.7%
Oh, that's right. He's a member of the Heat now.
Which player is best at moving without the ball?
1. Ray Allen, Miami -- 56.7%
2. Richard Hamilton, Chicago -- 10.0%
3. Manu Ginobili, San Antonio -- 6.7%, Kyle Korver, Atlanta -- 6.7%
Another Ray Allen one. Because fuck Boston.
Which player is the most dangerous in the open floor?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 60.0%
2. Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City -- 23.3%
3. Derrick Rose, Chicago -- 10.0%
4. Chris Paul, L.A. Clippers -- 6.7%
Which player is most likely to obliterate the opposing team using nothing but his awesomeness and his dong?
Which player is the best finisher?
1. LeBron James, Miami -- 66.7%
2. Blake Griffin, L.A. Clippers -- 10.0%, Dwyane Wade, Miami -- 10.0%
The trend here seems to be that LeBron James is the best basketball player in the universe.
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