Five Reasons Charlie Crist Wants You To Call A Phone Sex Line | New Times Broward-Palm Beach


Five Reasons Charlie Crist Wants You To Call A Phone Sex Line

If you haven't heard, the governor of this great state has been directing people to call a phone sex chat line.

Anyone calling Charlie Crist's office heard a recording of the governor directing people to various social services, with URLs and phone numbers. The phone number he gave for Florida KidCare, however (a program that provides insurance for children), had two digits transposed and sent callers to a $2.99-per-minute chat line advertising "hot, horny girls" who "love nasty talk as much as you do."

People who called the number Crist gave got this message:

"Hey there, sexy guy. Welcome to an exciting new way to go live, one on one, with hot, horny girls waiting right now to talk to you. Lie back, baby. Relax. And get ready to meet real local students, housewives, and working girls from all over the country. Hundreds of hot girls call free all day and night because we love nasty talk as much as you do."
The governer's office said yesterday that the message has been removed. But what's done is done.

Now, we know Crist has a childlike tendency to offer multiple explanations for an embarrassing episode--until he strikes upon the one that casts him in the most favorable light. (Example: his recent breakdown during questioning over whether he knew Obama would be in the state.) With this in mind, The Juice decided to play political consultant and offer five almost-credible explanations for why our governor might be trafficking in phone sex numbers.

Not on this list: "It was just an accident," or "All part of a vicious conspiracy from inside the GOP to take Crist down one embarrassing blooper at a time."

Seriously though, five reasons Governor Charlie Crist wants you to call a phone sex line:

It's better than calling 911 for sex
Last month Joshua Basso, a Tampa man, was arrested for making a series of lewd calls to 911. According to the police report, he asked the operator about her breasts, if she had "a nice butt," and whether she would have sex with him. Then he made a series of moaning sounds, occasionally throwing in a "baby" and a "yeah!" The operator remained silent for most of call, periodically trying to get Basso to give his name (he didn't) or phone number (he did) or address (yep, that too). When he was arrested, Basso admitted he made the calls, but told police he never thought he'd get caught. Maybe Charlie Crist was just trying to save the state these sorts of awkward misunderstandings. He's educating the public.

It's all part of a plan to stimulate the phone sex industry in Florida

There are all sorts of Florida industries suffering through these dire economic times. Why would the phone sex industry be any different? How many phone sex operators do you know? (I searched for statistics on how many Floridians actually work in this industry, but you try searching "phone sex" and see how that works out.) Maybe Crist's redirection was simply an attempt to boost this particular industry in a subtle way. He's trying to show he cares about all of Florida, even--and especially--the hot and horny women waiting to talk nasty for three bucks a minute.

Phone sex is actually the best health care kids can get
"No, kids should see doctors," you may say. That's old-world 20th-century thinking there, buddy. We can all agree that the health care industry is in need of serious reform. And we've all seen how contentious some of the debates have been. But that's just because we haven't had an outside-the-box solutions-oriented solution like governor Charlie's. You know which kids won't be getting the measles or mumps or chicken pox? The kids who spend all day listening to hot, horny women talking nasty, that's who. Same with broken arms and swine flu. Now it's true that when the kiddies are on the phone all day listening to these women who aren't mommy talk about things they don't understand, they may become obese, and fail out of school. But then they can always be phone sex workers when they grow up.

This was easier than faking a relationship
Charlie Crist never misses an opportunity to tell the world that he loves women and that he's 100% straight and that he is absolutely not gay in any way, shape, or night club. With a pretend relationship you have all the photo sessions and emotional drama and hush money and documentaries. Now with one simple "accident," anyone who might be wondering if Charlie Crist is actually gay (like all those superliberal commentator folks like to imply) can rest assured that the governor of Florida likes housewives and working girls from all over the country. Oh, and real local students--who are presumably female. Because he likes females. Genius.

Charlie Crist is "Pullin' a Palin"
Sarah Palin is not in the White House. Yet. But last year she got pretty damn close. How exactly did this happen? Human brains will likely never have the capability to comprehend such things. But we do know her "folksy" factor was high, and that had something to do with it. Given any opportunity, time after time, Sarah Palin said such idiotic things that the American public--the part that looks forward to Wal-Mart runs and fantasizes about nuzzling Glenn Beck's second chin--simply fell in love with her. Whether she was pretending she was guarding the *border* from Vladimir Putin or pretending she could read, she melted American hearts with her silly mistakes and moronic explanations. We all know how ambitious Crist is. Encouraging his state to talk to these hot, horny women may very well be an incredibly bold calculated move to position himself high among the "folksy" voters in 2012, the people who have no problem voting for a dude they feel like they'd like to have a beer with if the world wasn't going to end because of some Mayan prediction or something. This exceptional political maneuver--if that's what it is--could very well be the finest example we've seen yet of this Palin-ing, or what some commentators are calling "Going Rogue."