The Juice News Team.
Bees Invade, Kill Wieners
A shocking development today in the ongoing story of South Florida's housing crisis. Killer bees that took up residence in an abandoned Riviera Beach home have murdered a neighbor's Dachshunds. While the bees have not made their demands clear, it's evident what must be done: I must write in the shocking manner of a TV news report in order for you to fully grasp what this could mean for the many homes left abandoned because of foreclosures. Killer bees will invade them all and then kill your Dachshunds! The bees will clearly not be satisfied unless I can continue this shocking style of reporting, which, I fear, I really can't sustain for an entire blog post.
After the jump, I will employ the internet's most shocking writing style in order to scare you. All caps!
Courthouse Reopens, Us Petty Thieves Lament
The Broward County Courthouse reopened Monday after a busted water pipe flooded the place November 30 and forced court to be canceled. No, there's nothing really TV-news scary about this, but what is personally shocking is that the misdemeanor department's supervisor insists my petty shoplifting charge that was on the docket last week is shockingly still scheduled to go forward. This is like saying that undercover narcs don't have to tell you that they're cops if you ask. SHOCKING! Okay, I admit that I shouldn't combine all caps with the word shocking, because even TV news-style journalism has its shocking limit.
ATM Thieves 1, You 0
Thieves in Palm Beach County stole some construction equipment that they then used to steal an ATM machine, which means you may not be able to get your money out of your bank. Yeah, no, this is true only if you bank exclusively at Bank of America's ATM at 5470 S. Central Boulevard in Jupiter, but if there's one thing I've learned from TV news it's that people won't be scared of the news unless you make it personal. Besides, my caps lock button appears to be broken.
South Florida's Journalism Bitch-Slap
Two possible buyers have surfaced for the shattered shell of a newspaper that is the Miami Herald: developer Jorge Perez and sugar baron Alfonso Fanjul. And now seriously, you should be scared of this story. In the video below, the once-happy state of journalism in South Florida is represented by the dancer, while the Perez-Fanjul partnership sits behind the desk.
-- Eric Barton