Holy shit. The Dolphins won.
Oh yes. They so did.
The Miami Dolphins were able to go into Sunday's game against the Raiders and not do that thing where they play like a sack of ass, and were able to dismantle Oakland 35 -13, giving the Fins their first home opener victory since 2005.
The win also made both Joe Philbin and Stephen Ross dance. And it was all due mostly to the ball obliterating performance from Reggie Bush, aka LAMONTELLE PUSSYHAMMER.
Bush jumped onto the Raiders' breakfast table, unzipped his pants, and dipped his cock in their Count Choclua, running the football 26 times for 172 yards and 2 touchdowns, including one for 23 yards and the other for 65 yards.
Meanwhile Ryan Tannehill threw the first touchdown pass of his career and ran for another in a game where he avoided mistakes and, maybe more importantly, didn't get any of his passes batted down.
Tannehill was decisive, at ease in the pocket, and made sharp crisp passes when given time. He was also able to display his Fast Whiteboyness, using his legs to get away from pass rushers, and scoring his very first pro touchdown by running it in.
All in all, a fantastic home debut for the rookie.
(Just, let's everybody calm our shit with the Marino comparisons after one goddamn game, though)