Remember those Domino's Pizza ads in which they were all sorry about their shitty pizza and promised to make things better?
Well, one Vero Beach man ain't buying it.
According to a police report, a Domino's Pizza deliveryman forgot to bring 48-year-old, 346-pound Robert Wheeler the garlic knots along with the pizza he ordered.
So, Wheeler responded exactly the way you would think a 346-pound person would react to not getting his food: by allegedly punching the Domino's guy in the face.
Man's gotta have his garlic knots, goddamn it!
The deliveryman, Jonathon Feigen, told investigators that Wheeler struck him below the left eye after he rolled down the window of his vehicle. Feigen, 19, added that, "Wheeler punched him because he forgot the garlic knots."
That'll learn ya, pizza delivery punk. Wheeler didn't even wait inside his house. He went to meet the driver at his car! If there was ever a dude who wanted garlic knots...
And you gotta love the image of a 346-pound behemoth waddling down the driveway and immediately punching the dude through a rolled-down window as soon as he's told the garlic knots are back at the restaurant.
Indian River County Sheriff's Office deputies arrested Wheeler for misdemeanor battery.
Wheeler admits punching Feigen but for completely different reasons unrelated to garlic knots.
When questioned by deputies, Wheeler claimed that "the issue was not over forgetting the missing garlic knots with the pizza," but rather that the pizza place owes him money.
Pizza chain owes you money. Order some pizza so you can then punch whatever random delivery guy they send to your house in the face. Sounds like a perfectly reasonable way to exact vengeance.
And how exactly does Domino's owe Wheeler money? Did they not give him back proper change the last time he ordered garlic knots? Were garlic knots originally his idea and he wanted reparations? He does look like the kind of dude who would invent garlic knots and then not act on it.
So many questions.