Cover your stump before you hump. When in doubt, shroud your spout. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. Wrap it in foil before you check her oil. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. House your noodle before releasing your strudel. Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey. Can your worm before you squirm. Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle. In case you're still not getting it: Wear a condom. Seriously, why wouldn't you? In this contagious era we live in, it's insane not to wrap it up. And thanks to places like Condom World Gift Shop, you can stay safe while still having fun. From big to small, from glow-in-the-dark to flavored, you don't even need a partner to have fun with condoms anymore. Hell, just open up a pack, turn off the lights, and let out your inner child. Sorry, Slinky. You've been replaced as America's favorite toy.

I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Now, to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? Because if not, then maybe you shoulda gone to Weston Arms. It's family-owned and -operated, in a clean and safe environment. And the folks there do a helluva job teaching you all you need to know about .44 Magnums and all other types of guns. They've got good sales there too. Like, you can get yourself a CMMG LE Rifle 5.56 NATO 16-inch M4 Profule Barrel WASP Treated M4 Hand Guard 6 Position stock black for just $825. And if you didn't understand any of that, you can ask them and they'll teach you, punk.. Because they're good. They also offer Concealed Weapons Permits training. For 75 bucks (plus a $117 fee to the state), you can be CWP-certified in just ten days. And, of course, there's the shooting range, where you can sample any number of guns and learn to shoot just like me. But since you didn't go to Weston Arms to learn how to shoot, you've gotta ask yourself another question: "Why did I go to an inferior gun shop when I coulda gone to Weston Arms?" Why indeed, punk.

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