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Will your job even exist in a thousand years? If so, in what form? If some kind of machine were to replace you, what would it be called?

If it does still exist, it will include covering the celebrity scene on different planets and maybe different galaxies; some of those celebs will probably look like a cross between Dennis Rodman and E.T. We would beam our info to trillions of people stretched over billions of miles by telepathy. Can a machine replace me? No way, Jose. Gossip is as human as any emotion, and I can't see robo-gossip making it. Besides, no machine could imagine the real stuff that the Star digs up.

Which events from the year 2001 will still be talked about a thousand years from now? How will history interpret -- or misinterpret -- those events?

So far in 2001, the construction of the space station is what folks may still talk about. It hasn't received the news coverage it deserves, but the construction of our first permanent outpost in space is a tremendous step in human history. Everyone who'll travel to other worlds will benefit from the teachings of that station.

What will South Florida look like one millennium from now?

Yuck. Forget 1000 years. SoFla will be unlivable in the next 20 years if the political landscape and pro-development don't change. At the beginning of the next millennium, I'm thinking the city in Blade Runner. It will include a sprawling metropolis built on the ocean and stretching out past the Bahamas and Cuba. The Everglades will be a dry desert, and our own gators will be talked about and written about the way dinosaurs now are. I see nothing positive about SoFla in the long-term future -- unless the schmucks who now lead local, state, and federal governments change their money-grubbing ways.

What will human beings look like?

Probably like me. You see, my hairless head is the wave of the future. We don't need hair on our heads to protect us the way humans 1000 years ago needed it. Evolution points toward bald -- for men and women. Bald is beautiful. Get used to it.

Which South Florida tourist attractions will stand the test of time, and which will disappear? What will the new tourist traps look like?

There'll be so much technology that whatever is in a theme park will be available to all from the comfort of everybody's homes. You'll be able to visit and touch and feel and smell the [Egyptian] pyramids from "tourism machines," brain enhancers that will make you think you're in a certain tourist attraction when you're really lying on your couch. Ecotourism will provide one of the only back-to-basics experiences. The new tourist trap? A home preserved as it was in 2001, with such backwards items as a fireplace, dishwasher, and satellite dish.

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