| January 21, 2011 | 8:49am
Have you seen these felons? Be on the lookout -- they're impostors. They look like tasty, unique snacks, but really they're just boring, flavorless sugar bombs.
We found them at an Argentine market and were filled with hope. Those bright, shiny wrappers! The cheap prices (they ranged from 39 cents to $1.25)! The promise of foreign flavors to take our tongues on a tango through Latin America and even through tribal African rituals!
Alas, all we were left with were empty calories and heaps of disappointment.
So you know to avoid these, here are their street names and identifying characteristics:
Name: Sublime by Nestle (Peru)
Description: Plain milk chocolate block with peanuts
Charge: False advertising. There's nothing "sublime" about a waxy, oversweetened chocolate bar and the most boring nut out there.
Name: Bocadito Marroc Fel Fort (Argentina)
Description: Ice-cube-sized chocolate with a nougat layer
Hitting with wasted calories and fleeing the scene. (Livestrong.com
reports we have to spar for eight minutes, hula for 15 minutes, or play drums in a marching band for 19 minutes just to burn the 72 calories from this little piece o' crap.)
Name: Lheritier Baby Doll (Argentina)
Description: Tiny lollipops
Charge: Impersonating a treat. These little sticks of sugar, corn syrup, and intense food coloring don't deliver one iota of flavor, though they claim to be cherry, grape, orange, and apple.
Name: Terrabusi Tita by Kraft (Uruguay)
Description: Vanilla cream sandwiched between crackers and covered in chocolate.
Charge: Of the entire gang, this one was the most menial offender. It has a crunchy texture and semipleasing vanilla and chocolate flavors, but it's still guilty by association with the other misfits.
Name: Terrabusi Mini Rhodesia (Argentina)
Description: Bite-sized layers of wafers and cream filling covered in chocolate.
Charge: This snack contains so many allergens -- wheat, milk, peanut, egg, and soy -- that it is considered a public hazard. And it claims to have lemon flavoring, which we found nearly indiscernible. Was it filling? Hardly. We could eat an entire bag and still not be satisfied, though it claimed to offer two servings. And what's with naming it after an African state?
Who should eat these? Maybe someone from Argentina who needs a trip down memory lane, though the journey will be short. One bite will remind him or her why she has never hungered for these since leaving the Pampas.
Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.
Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.