As Frank Sinatra and Mariah Carey's holiday ouvres are hitting critical velocity, we got a little curious about all the holiday hits left by the wayside. Given how bad a lot of popular holiday music is (not to be a Grinch), it seems like the Christmas singles judged unlistenable would be pretty awful... right? Well, after a little poking around, we've compiled five of the world's most disastrous, heinous pieces of holiday cheer. And yes, they're a bigger disaster than an eggnog gallon challenge.
5. New Kids on the Block - Merry, Merry Christmas
This one is
probably closer to the conventional definition of "music" than any other
album on the list, so it's a start. I can't say much more than that.
This is a pretty obvious attempt to capitalize off 1989 tweens and
parents who desperately want to reconnect with them. The bridge in
"Last Night I Saw Santa Claus" also sounds just like "Cheeseburger in
Paradise," which is pretty funny for some reason.
4. Raul Malo - Marshmallow World & Other Favorites
First
of all, I think Malo is way too liberal throwing around the term
"favorite" if "Marshmallow World" falls anywhere near the criteria. For
some reason, this one is somewhat popular on iTunes, so maybe people
really love marshmallows? Or they just love the holidays so much that
they'll listen to anything with sleigh bells? I dunno. This one is way
over my head.
3. Various Artists - Latin Christmas
Just to
start, this thing is $14.99. That's $2 more than "Abbey Road," or a
whopping 13 percent. Now, would I consider it 13 percent better than "Abbey Road"?
No. Would I even really consider it music? Not really. Although this one delivers classic holiday hits such as "Hoy Te Toca Reis" and "Tomare Tu Mano," it sounds more like Wing
than anything else I can really come up with. So for big Wing fans,
this might be up your alley. Otherwise, I'd probably stick with Tito
Puente.
2. Various Artists - Kids Rap'n the Christmas Hits
This
is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's almost offensive in
its complete lack of value and transparent exploitation of the holidays.
The raps are abominable, and the children's choir is consistently
off-key. The production value (or lack thereof) makes me fear the
children's choir was a group of sweatshop workers in North Korea. I just
want to cry thinking about a family that actually puts this on while
opening presents or preparing the holiday ham.
1. Meco Monardo - Christmas in the Stars
All right,
so this album combines two of the world's most lucrative ideas ever:
Stars Wars and Christmas. It's also pretty awesome, to be completely
honest. The mixture of aliens, robots, and Christmas cheer is crazy cute,
and I like the idea of Christmas on the DeathStar. Just imagine the
Storm Troopers gathered around a giant tree, Vader putting on the star
using the force. I give mad props to the marketing exec with the gall to
push this through the works.
So why is it on the list?
Considering how awesome Christmas and Star Wars are, the expectations
for such a confluence is so high that anything would be an entire letdown. I can't stress how awesome this album is, and it's still somehow
disappointing. It even features Bon Jovi's first professional recording
ever. That's not a typo. Bon Jovi's debut is on "Christmas in the Stars."
And it's with R2-D2. Mind-blowing.
Still,
for me to be happy, this should have been more enjoyable than a
combination of Disney World, an iPad, and Michael Jordan wrapped in
bacon. And it wasn't quite there.
