Damn, Ultra Music Festival is a mad house. Everywhere you look, it's neon titties, the bottom half of an ass, or some kind of sexy rabbit hoppin' around with a lollipop in her cheek.
Last year, we introduced "The Seven Ravers You Meet at Ultra Music Festival." But this time, we're giving it up to the ladies.
Only a special kind of woman can brave the downtown Miami masses for three days. And maybe even six. It takes guts, hutzpah, but not a whole lot of clothing.
Here are the six bad bitches you meet at Ultra. Keep your hands to yourself, trick.
The Down-Ass Bitch
This girl leaves the weed pasties and glitter sticks at home. She'd rather shock you with her wild sense of humor and make you think. But that doesn't mean she can't party. On the contrary, she's one bad-ass motherfucker, and she'll drink you under the table. She's here to see acts like Crystal Castles and Borgore and other dark, edgy shit no mere bro can handle without a license to ill. What she can't stand is all you drunk assholes wandering around, unable to handle your drugs and beers. Fucking babies.
The 'Mericuh Bitch
A big part of UMF is the parade of flags, not that it's an organized aspect of the festivities. But basically everyone reps their home country. Even those of us who didn't have to bother with customs to be here. In fact, Americans like to show off the most. That's why these proud suffragettes adorn their whole bodies in Americana. Damn, Betsy Ross, stars and stripes can be hot! These chicks are ready for that Tiësto, that Benny Benassi, that Major Lazer. But they're not that excited about expensive Ultra drinks. This is the U.S.A. and it should be ladies night every night!
The Big Booty Bitches
Everybody loves these gals! Because everyone loves big butts! You can't lie, bro. You've never seen more ass in one weekend than at UMF, and it comes in so many different neon wrappers, from mesh to lycra and ripped denim. These girls are looking hot and they're ready for almost anything: a water balloon fight, an entire day in the hot sun, an explosion of eight-dollar beer. Nothing can phase them as they scream "girl power" to the sounds of Krewella and Tiesto. But you know what they could do without? All your grubby, grabby hands, bros! Just because it's out, that doesn't mean it's ready to play.
The Furry Bitch
Unghhh! You've never wanted to stick it to a blue fox so much in your whole life! What are these feelings?! Well, it's UMF. And you can get away with indulging your animal instincts. These playful ladies let their spirit creature out of the cage, shaking their tails and ears to the beat of Carl Cox, Swedish House Mafia, and (duh) Deadmau5. And wouldn't you know it, there isn't much about Ultra that they don't like. What's not to love about life when you're in a plushy costume?
Photo by George Martinez
The Bikini Bitch
The official uniform of Miami is the bikini, in all its shapes and sizes. Some girls go this half-way route with a pair of denim short shorts. Not these bad bitches. They're rocking the bikini and nothing else, because why mess with perfection? It's better to go for the full tan anyway. This girl is ready to catch some rays near the Carl Cox tent. Like, all day. And if she could change anything, she just wants more lasers. There simply aren't enough!
Yeah, you thought we were gonna say kandi kids, but this lady is the grand PLUR mama of them all. We're tracking her all UMF, and we can say with experience that you can't step to this glitter, this headdress, this beaded masterpiece. Actually, you can, because she spends most of her time at Ultra taking pics with fellow ravers and spreading the love. She's here to see you, the PLUR babies -- and definitely Kaskade. Now, go hit a Michael's and try to capture this look. It will take you hours, but it'll result in some great instapics.
Ultra Music Festival forever, bitches.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.