Sun-Sentinel Help Team columnist Steve Svekis warned us this weekend about ... killer candles. That's right. After expounding on the rampant dangers of pool drains and contact lenses, after telling us before the little storm Ernesto to get up on our roofs and remove the wind turbines, the Help Team is now tackling the scourge of wax.
"Candle in the wind?
I don't think so.
If all the cylinders of wax and wicks were whisked away at once, everyone would be safer. I would be a happier guy."
Oh, okay, I get it. Svekis is certifiably insane. He cites a couple anecdotes about candle fires and some meaningless statistics before he talks about how he hopes to impart his hatred of candles to his 10-year-old daughter, who "loves lighting a candle and, as if hypnotized, watching the heat transform its solid matter to a liquid."
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Here's an idea, Steve: Maybe you should take the matches away from your 10-year-old kid. (Uh-oh, now I'm seeing the next column -- "Kids Playing With Matches: The New Holocaust?").
He finishes the item thusly:
I've got eight years to work on her, to get my logic into her head when she heads to a store to prepare her own place for a potential hurricane-induced power outage.
I hope she's reading.
If you agree with her point of view and perhaps don't think much of these facts, please consult the attached chart before lighting up.
Me? I don't need to survive high winds and flying objects just to incinerate myself.
Absolutely brilliant. Now it's all so clear. He's not nuts -- he's satirizing himself and the Help Team in the newspaper to show how ridiculous the Sentinel has become. Keep that up, Stevie, and the Pulp's gonna be out of business.