The Miami Dolphins faced the Browns to open the NFL season on Sunday and proceeded to hand the city of Cleveland more misery by taking the 23-10 win.
It was a helluva way to start the season. A win is a rare things around these parts -- particularly an opening-weekend win.
But even as we all settle into Victory Monday and the Dolphins start the season with the 1-0 good vibes, there were still some things to learn.
Here now are five thoughts on the Dolphins' victory over the Browns that are sure to piss in your morning coffee:
Solid Road Win This is one of those games folks will call a "solid road victory." Solid road victories are hardy. Like Chunky Soup! But when you consider that it was against the Browns, who haven't won a home opener since Mambo No. 5 was topping the charts, it's not that great of an achievement. But Chunky Soup beats the hell of what we're used to around here, which is you opening a can of soup and then the Dolphins shitting in it. And then you're forced to eat shitty soup. We've really derailed here with the soup analogy.
A Win Despite No Running Game? Bah! The Dolphins running game rushed for 20 total yards. Holy cat balls, how the crap did we win this game???
Behind an atrocious offensive line, with a pair of middling running backs, Miami basically ran the football like old people fuck. Ryan Tannehill being able to rip through the Browns' shit defense gave us some solace. Because it seems that the only way to watch this team's offense is to do so with an opium suppository shoved up our ass. Otherwise, we're in for a long, painful season.
The Dolphins running game is very bad. Very, very bad.
Meanwhile, ex-Dolphin Reggie Bush racked up roughly a billion total yards from scrimmage for the Lions, who had the ingenious idea to use him in their passing game with screens and dump-offs. THAT'S SMART FOOTBALL BY YOU, LIONS. Lamar Miller, meanwhile, ran the ball ten times for three yards.
Donald Daniel Thomas ended the day with 14 yards and a touchdown. Keep in mind that Thomas' bones are made of porcelain, and it's only a matter of time before he suffers an injury that gets him out of the lineup. Which means Miller and his three fucking yards are all we'll have to lean on going forward.
HARTLINE MEAOW. Brian Hartline had a great game. He caught nine passes for 114 yards, including a 34-yard connection with Ryan Tannehill. Brian Hartline loves cats.
Incidentally, how many of us thought Hartline would blow up the way he did with Wallace on the field? You did? LIAR.
Hartline is turning into a consistent performer, so it'll be interesting to see how he does when teams start covering him better. Tannehill seems to like throwing to him, so we'll see.
Some of you may want to pick up Hartline for your fantasy team. We assure you this will only lead you to want to ram your face into a bus. But hey, go for it. God knows he'll bust out for 80 points the minute you bench or drop him.
The Dolphins are gonna Dolphin.
SACK MASTAH. Dion Jordan got the first sack of his career! It was also the only tackle he had in the game.
If he can keep bringing the heat, along with Cameron Wake on the other side, the Dolphins pass rush is going to pucker many a quarterback's sphincters so hard in the coming weeks, they're going to explode.
You hear that, Tom Brady? Your asshole is going to resemble the floor of our driveway after the Forth of July when we're done with you!
Super Terrific Disgruntled Dolphins Happy Hour One game into the season -- a win, no less -- and the Dolphins are already dealing with not one, but two possible disgruntled situations.
First off, there's Mike Wallace, who caught 1 pass for 15 yards, while Harline got most of the targets and ended with the better game.
Reports said that Wallace refused to talk to the media afterward, and when asked about the game plan, he told people to ask the coaches.
Mike Wallace's exact words after the game: "I don't want to talk. I don't feel like talking about it. Ask coach." #Dolphins
— Andrew Abramson (@AbramsonPBP) September 8, 2013
One game into his Dolphin career, and Wallace is already being an asshole about his looks. And after a win.
Mike Wallace. Doesn't understand how people can be gay, doesn't get passes thrown at him. Poor little lamb.
Meanwhile, Randy Starks, who was demoted during the off-season, apparently (allegedly?) shot a bird at the coaching staff after he recorded a sack.
"Now, now, now, that's not very nice, there, Randy. I know what that finger means. It means I should fornicate with myself. Now, that's no way to conduct ourselves," Joe Philbin probably said.
Conclusion: A win is a win, and the Dolphins won, so let's all be happy. But, really, they played a team with shit quarterbacking and a coaching staff that apparently doesn't realize they have Trent Richardson on the squad. Next week against the Colts should be a real test for Miami.
Let's hope Tannehill can keep up his solid play, the defensive line can keep crushing it, Mike Wallace can catch a few more passes, and Randy Starks can not shoot the bird at any more people.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!