People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has scrapped plans for a billboard featuring Tiger Woods ("Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing"), meant to encourage the spaying and neutering of pet kitties. They'd planned to debut the billboard in Tiger's hometown of Windemere, Florida. But talks with Woods' lawyers have killed those plans. PETA has decided to feature South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford instead.
PETA didn't need to go out of state for this campaign. There is no shortage of superfreaky pols and celebs here in South Florida who'd benefit from a quick, painless snip. After the jump, five South Floridians we'd like to send to the vet.
Jeffrey Epstein
Billionaire Palm Beach perv Jeffrey Epstein should be an inspiration to Tiger: No sex scandal is too hideous to bounce back from. Epstein, who was accused of molesting underaged girls in 2008 by, among other things, forcing them to grapple with his "egg-shaped" penis, and of keeping a Yugoslavian sex slave, has managed to dodge doing any serious jail time: he sits out probation in his mansion on El Brillo Way while he figures out how to fight the 14 civil suits his young ladies have filed against him.
Neuter-meter: 9
Mark Foley
Although he hasn't been accused of any sex crimes
lately, former Florida Congressman Mark Foley, who left office in
disgrace after his skeevy instant messages and emails to underaged pages
were published in 2006, keeps appearing in the news. Last year, Foley announced
his unfortunately named radio talk show "Inside the Mind of Mark Foley."
Now, he's opened "Celebrity Consignment" in West Palm Beach, where he's
hawking the posh contents of his D.C. house. Foley just can't resist
showing us his junk. Enough already.
Neuter-meter: 3
Heath Miller
H.L. Watkins Middle School band teacher Heath
Miller, accused
of molesting and raping students in his classroom, had one of the
lamest excuses ever recorded when questioned by School Board detectives.
Although Miller has denied molesting students, he admitted to allowing
one student to kiss him because he was so broken up by the killing he'd
committed. Miller shot a home intruder dead several months before: He
told the detective: "I've been running around
acting like I'm fine, and every time somebody gives me any affection
it's... I say I almost welcome it."
Neuter-meter: 7
Timothy Keith
PBSO Detective Timothy Keith managed to dodge a bullet two years ago when he was caught with his pants down, literally. Keith's wife barged in on him having sex with his patrol partner's wife. Keith, a gang liaison, was supposed to be on duty at the time. And although Keith avoided getting fired for that infraction or for the allegations that he was also tupping his supervisor, the investigation evidently didn't spur any painful reassessments. Now Keith is accused of sexting an underaged girl he met while patrolling a neighborhood. The Post's Jose Lambiet says Keith has been reassigned to desk duty during the internal affairs investigation due to an unspecified "disorder."
Neuter-meter: 5
BSO Deputy Jonathan Bleiweiss
Sexual battery in a position of control or authority. Armed false imprisonment. Battery and stalking. This BSO deputy caught us all off guard last summer with the depths of his depravity and the number of counts lodged against him: 14. Bleiweiss allegedly pulled up to at least eight dayworkers in his cruiser, demanded I.D., and then put his hands down their pants to cop a feel while he was patting them down. BSO investigators say that sometimes he forced them into oral sex. Afterward, he went all stalker on them: victims claim that Bleiweiss collected their cell numbers and kept after them verbally, preying upon the immigrants' fears of deportation to keep them quiet. In January, a Broward judge bonded him out and gave him permission to go live in Oregon until his trial starts -- presumably there'll be fewer Guatemalan farm laborers there to tempt him.
Neuter-meter: 9
