You did all your holiday shopping and now those boxes from Amazon are starting to roll in. Where to hide all that junk before you wrap it? Kids are sneaky. (I personally believe that babies know full well how to wipe their butts, but just fake it so they can poop on you.) They can find Xmas presents anywhere. Well... almost anywhere!
But it won't be easy. This is Florida: Everything is lit up by sunlight, we don't have basements, and--according to our state laws--a person is legally allowed to tie up your family and look through your closet if they find your Christmas decorations to be "aggressively merry."
A lot of things happened in Florida this year, and as a consequence, a lot of great hiding spots have emerged.
If you're looking for a place to put your Christmas presents that will fool even the snoopiest little toddler, consider these options:
Give them to a herpes-infected monkey There are about 1000 of them in Florida and I don't know if they all have herpes, but I know the one that hangs out behind Egg N' You Diner definitely does (Don't ask. It was dark and I'll live with it for the rest of my life).
Herpes-infested monkeys are notoriously good at hiding things, especially their herpes. Why else would they keep giving it to each other?
Just make sure you pay them in bananas upfront, or else on December 25th, instead of being unwrapped under a tree, Elmo will become a monkey sex toy in one.
Amongst Marco Rubio's water bottles Ever since poor Marco took with the most awkward political sip since Mitt Romney confused his lemonade with Paul Ryan's piss jug on the campaign bus, Rubio has refused to go near his pantry.
Your presents will be safe nestled amongst his pyramid of ridiculously tiny Poland Spring water bottles.
Trey Radel's nasal cavity It's nice and stretched out by now, so you'll have a lot of room. The only tough part might be getting it out.
Try putting some extra pepper in his lunch. Or in his cocaine.
Buried in the salad on the bottom shelf of Richie Incognito's refrigerator The one that's been sitting there ever since the big guy's 2011 New Year's resolution to see his penis again.
Just keep it far away from the ice cream sandwiches or it will be eaten.
George Zimmerman's gun crib Ever since they took away George's guns the thing has just been sitting there collecting dust. And yes, George Zimmerman keeps his guns in a crib.
He sings them Ted Nugent songs every night before bedtime.
LeBron James' old house in Cleveland. After another championship ring, I think it's safe to say that man is never stepping foot back in that sad place, no matter how desperate its citizens become.
Just don't let Chris Bosh know where you're going. He'll want to come along and he never stops talking about that one time he almost choked on a piece of confetti.
Pam Bondi's china cabinet This is a risky one, and should only be used as a last resort, because it's pure speculation. But, I mean, look at her.
She looks like the daughter of every southern villain in movie history and she's very opposed to medical marijuana. If that's not a person who has a pristine, untouched china cabinet sitting in her dining room, then I don't know what to believe.
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