You've griped and complained many times that you need to cut down on coffee. You made it one of your New Years resolutions, even.
You're jittery and nervous all day, and your teeth are starting to stain. Not to mention the 3:00 p.m. crash.
Man you need to cut down.
And then there's Mike and Trina, a St. Petersbug couple who are also addicted to coffee.
Except they don't drink four cups a day at the office like you do.
They inject it.
Into their ass.
Nine-to-ten times a day
The couple is featured on an episode of this season's My Strange Addiction on the TLC network (which used to stand for The Learning Channel but now is just a confluence of random letters).
Because Florida needs to get more attention for weird shit.
The couple confess to an obsession with injecting java into their colons with a hose to cleanse their lower intestines.
"I love the way it makes me feel," says Trina. "It gives me a sense of euphoria."
Trina's husband, Mike, thought her practice was pretty gross. And then he tried it. And then got hooked on it himself.
They say they don't drink coffee, citing that it's bad for one's health.
Ah but injecting piping hot brewed coffee into your butthole -- that's not unhealthy at all!
Mike says he favors a fine espresso grind, while Trina prefers it warm and thick.
"I feel like it's not as messy and drippy," she explains.
Yes, a robust blend up your ass is just what you need to unwind, without all the mess of a lighter brew, which tends to leave bigger puddles on the floor. And that's just annoying.
The couple explains that they they've each had around 100 coffee enemas a month -- a total of 6,000 in all -- since their addiction began two years ago.
They also claim that they're unable to function without it.
Still, coffee enemas are a pain in the ass (figuratively and literally). The process takes at least five hours to execute daily.
There's an art to it, if you will. A disgusting, vile, gross art.
After brewing the coffee on their stove, Mike and Trina pour it into a 32-ounce bucket, lather up a hose with Vaseline, and then get to it.
"I make a quick transition from the floor to the toilet seat,' Mike says. "It comes flying out like a torrent."
The best part of waking up.... is a torrent flying out your ass!
Still, Trina swears the enemas have performed miracles on her health.
"I had a lot of stomach problems, digestive problems with my kidney and my liver," she says. "I started research and it led into coffee enemas and I really started to feel the benefit. I felt like I was living for the first time in years."
You have to wonder how bad Trina's health was that led the initial research to the point where shoving a hose and freshly brewed coffee up her butt sounded like a good idea.
But doctors shockingly warn that coffee enemas will do more harm than good.
"There's a down side and really no up side to it," says Dr. Roshini Rajapaksa, assistant professor of medicine and a gastroenterologist at NYU Medical Center.
"The bottom line is there is not any beneficial effect and there is some risk associated with any enema and, in particular, using coffee."
"Whenever you are inserting something into the rectum there is a danger of causing a tear in the lining," she adds. "Over using enemas can sometimes lead to dehydration and it can basically lead to a decrease in bowel function."
Shoving coffee directly into your ass is actually bad for you? What kind of doctor are you, Roshini? A learned medical doctor??
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As for Mike and Trina, they say they've cut down, but haven't completely quit. They are seeking help thanks to their teen son. who is probably scarred for life for having the parents that suck coffee up their butts. pleading with them to stop.
Pfft. Parents. Right, teenagers?