Alice Cooper Runs for President at the Broward Center

Great news for anyone who thought there was only one misogynist seeking election: Alice Cooper wants to be your next president.

Campaigning at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts last Friday, Cooper wore a “Make America Sick Again: Vote for Alice Cooper” T-shirt while hovering behind living memes of Hillary and the Donald, who bitch-slapped each other before passionately making out during the song “Elected.”

In an apparent effort to buy votes, Cooper threw hundreds of dollar bills into the frenzied audience during “Billion Dollar Babies.” 

The undisputed king of shock-rock did not disappoint fans as he stabbed, slit the throats of, and yanked the hair of both mutilated female dolls and real women in bloodstained, torn clothing, bringing new meaning to his popular ballad “Only Women Bleed.”
Cooper sentenced himself to death for his crimes and was decapitated in a mammoth guillotine by a bizarre executioner while the women he assaulted exulted, leaving behind only his lifeless head to be paraded across the stage by its hair.

Complete with behemoth tombstones, the cryptic spectacle took a grave turn with a musical tribute to some of the late greats, like Jimi Hendrix, David Bowie, and Keith Moon. While each was heartfelt, it was Cooper’s “Ace of Spades” homage to Motorhead’s Lemmy Kilmister that brought the house down.

Cooper is one of those rare performers who is actually better live than recorded. His show is a nonstop assault on the senses with costumes, bloodied mannequins, and impressive stage props that could rival any high-budget Broadway production.

And underneath it all is some of the most remarkable musical talent in the business.

While Cooper’s stage antics are theatrical masterpieces in the spirit of horror movies and vaudeville, he does not mess around when it comes to the music. The man who brought us songs such as “I’ll Bite Your Face Off,” “Dead Babies,” and “Disco Bloodbath Boogie Fever” is actually an outstanding musician, replete with a band that is as badass as they come.

Sizzling licks, courtesy of the triple-threat guitar combo of Tommy Henriksen, Ryan Roxie, and the dazzling Nita Strauss, were grounded by the metronomic bass of Chuck Garric and percussionist Glen Sobel.
Cooper’s voice has never been better, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame singer never once faltered during the 23-song extravaganza that included hits like “School’s Out,” “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” “Under My Wheels,” and “I’m Eighteen.”

And while Cooper is so very much not eighteen anymore, he really is running for president. So remember him when you cast your ballot this November.

His slogan? “A Troubled Man for Troubled Times.”

Hey, we could do worse. 

Wendy Rhodes is a freelance writer and award-winning author. Follow her on Facebook and on Twitter @WendyRhodesFL.