Film Reviews

"Vampires Suck" Review: A Movie for Those Who Plan to Text Through It

Writer-director team Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer continue to act as the drain trap to our pop-culture toilet.

The Date Movie and Meet the Spartans collaborators have made a career of low-overhead channel-surf bricolages catering to ninth-graders with nothing else to do on a Friday night, movies not meant to be watched so much as texted during. (Smart money says Friedberg and Seltzer never sit through these movies in entirety.)

Their Vampires Suck isn't a spoof of vampire movies as a genre, which would demand an audience whose collective memory reached beyond 2008, but of the first two Twilight movies specifically, with iconic scenes re-enacted and laced with gags. Many of the film's jokes, such as they are, consist of mentioning the titles of contemporary reality-TV shows, which should be a riot for viewers who think that their cable channel guide is the soul of wit.

Jenn Proske provides a reasonable facsimile of Kristen Stewart's soulful lip-gnashing and eyebrow fluttering, and there's a giggle-worthy bit with a Segway, but SNL's "The Franks" parody had more laughs, and the distinct advantage of being only two minutes long.

If you've ever read a single book—we'll include Stephenie Meyer—you're probably better than this.

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Nick Pinkerton
Contact: Nick Pinkerton