Audio By Carbonatix
It came in a nondescript box in the mail one day, this bag of liquor. The container inside had convenient little handles at the top, a spout at the bottom, and a simple promise: mojitos anywhere.
And that sounded pretty good. Mojitos have to be one of the most refreshing summer drinks, but it’s not like you’re going to muddle some mint and whip up a simple syrup at a beach barbecue.
The bag in question came in the mail as a sample from Malibu rums, which also whips up bags of rum punch and “Caribbean cosmo.” The mojito version’s package promised a blend of mango, mint, kaffir lime, and Malibu coconut. All sounded promising.
So we propped it up in the middle of the newsroom. The
tap is a bit tricky at first, and with no instructions on the package,
we finally figured out it required removing a strip of plastic from the
top. That revealed a button to dispense a liquid best described as
looking like electric pee.
The
color, however, was much better than the flavor. It didn’t taste like
mango, mint, kaffir lime, or coconut, really. There was an underlying
rum flavor, but after that, it was reminiscent of hard candies found at
the bottom of Grandma’s purse. That’s if Grandma leaves her purse in hot
cars a lot and the candies liquefy over and over, getting stuck to
debris and pennies and makeup pieces. Thanks, Grandma!
It also
tasted a whole lot like Jolly Rancher vodka shots. If you haven’t had
that college-kid institution, it involves dropping a bag of the hard
candies in a jug of the cheap stuff and freezing it. The candies
dissolve and turn into a brew that even freshman girls will find too
sweet.
The lesson to be learned here is that if you need mojitos
on the go, consider the fact that you have strange requirements for your
beverage of choice — and that you won’t find anything resembling a
mojito in this bag of liquor.
