The Miami Dolphins are for sale to the highest musical bidders. Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony have both recently bought minority shares of the franchise, leaving us all wondering: Who's next? We've compiled a list of 10 most wanted musicians with a tie to Miami who would be great partial owners for the Dolphins. Consider this an open letter to the following musicians:
Luther R. Campbell
Luke Skyywalker of 2 Live Crew fame would be perfect as a partial owner for the Dolphins. First off, "As Nasty As They Wanna Be" needs to be the team's slogan next year, and Uncle Luke would certainly let them use that name free of charge. Secondly, you know the Dolphins cheerleaders could learn a thing or two under his tutelage. The dance routine practically writes itself:
Do you know what's missing from Dolphins football games (aside from 2 Live Crew dance routines)? The pretentious indie-rock crowd. They're too busy listening to the new Grizzly Bear record to give a damn about organized sports, that is until Sonic Youth's singer/songwriter/guitarist decides to purchase a little piece of the Fish. Now breaks in the play can be filled with discussions on why Daydream Nation is the quintessential Sonic Youth album and how Chad Pennington looks a little like Kim Gordon.
He's definitely got the cash to spare, plus the real Noreaga (which I assume is former dictator Manuel not Texas democrat Rick) owes him a hundred favors, which would all come in handy when the Patriots come to town. Also, he could actually make Dolphins merchandise look fashionable by wearing it in videos or getting it customized like a pair of Louis Vuitton shades.
If Rick Ross buys a stake in the Dolphins, you know Trick Daddy is going to try to buy a bigger share. How much fun would news conferences be if the owners are seconds away from coming to blows every time they take the stage?
Forget the Marino Curse, the real reason the Dolphins haven't been able to seal the deal since 1973 is George McCrae. It's an indisputable fact that his 1974 hit "Rock Your Baby" caused a huge rift in South Florida's collective karma. By purchasing a small share in the Dolphins, perhaps his constant apologies to the fans and players can finally erase the memories and bring the Fins back to the mountain top.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the next five including Marilyn Manson and Jessica Sutta.