Beyoncé's half-time show was a cultural nadir that proved once and for all that the United States of America is a pastier version of the Roman Empire about to drown in its own vomitorium.
We have at least ten reasons the pop-R&B diva's performance was the absolute worst attempt at entertaining we have ever witnessed in our history of witnessing entertainment. There's obviously stuff missing from this list, so please feel free to add to it in the comments.
10. Fuck nostalgia! Nobody cares about Destiny's Child! And performing "Singles Ladies" (a song that came out nearly a decade after their demise) alongside her old bandmates made no goddamn sense!
9. Yo, if Janet's infamous(ly beaten to death) "wardrobe malfunction" was pornographic, then (the nearly naked) Queen B just dished out the Super Bowl Half-Time Show equivalent of a snuff film.
8. There could have been more lights.
7. There could have been more holograms.
6. So while her lyrics reinforce the conservative hetero-normative matrix of love, sex, and gender roles -- three distinct categories under which, according to Beyoncé, a woman must be subservient to her (The?) man -- her dance routine is a blend of a striptease, Striptease, and the pool scene from Showgirls.
5. You realize you're ogling somebody's parent, right? How do you think Blue Ivy is gonna feel when she grows up and realizes that a generation or two of American males have masturbated to her mom.
4. Beyoncé's eyes were straight up googly. How undignified!
3. The whole thing was just promo for her "Mrs. Carter" tour. Yes, she's named her tour after her husband. Feminism is dead and Beyoncé is furiously projectile peeing (see also: firehose) all over the tombstone.
2. Speaking of Jay-Z, isn't Beyoncé, as the Roc-a-Fella mogul's wife, also a member of the Illuminati? And what does that reveal about her potential involvement in 9/11?
1. Beyoncé lip-synched at the second inauguration of President Barack Obama and should be held accountable for that and, you know, 9/11.
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