Happy birthday to the Killers' Brandon Flowers. Brandon, now that you're 30, we feel it is our duty, our obligation, to be frank with you. Dude, sir, mister... what happened, man? When we first met you, you were a 23-year-old songbird with boundless potential. When we last saw you with your band, you were a 27-year-old birdman singing about microchips or something.
Granted, the Killers were never the world's most original band. But, just like Oasis or even Foo Fighters, you guys made some rocking hits. It was always nice to hear "Mr. Brightside" or "Change Your Mind" cut through the sludgy muck of mainstream radio. We thought your debut album was the best thing Duran Duran never made. When you guys came out with Sam's Town, we were like... oh shit! These guys are really good. We purposely decided to not save your third album, Day & Age, onto our iPod when we bought it at Spec's. That album was boring and flat.
So, Mr. Flowers, for your 30th birthday, we have 30 things you need in your life that will help you realize your potential.
1. First Killers album (to remember how fun you were)
2. Second Killers album (to hear how good you could've been)
3. Duran Duran's Greatest Hits (to steal more ideas from)
4. Feather implants for your hair (cuz you like it, and we'll let you have it, but it's really dumb)
5. White belts (for fashion)
6. Two ties from Back to the Future 2 (for future fashion)
8. Super Macho Energizing Formula (for sex strength)
9. Grecian formula
10. Far Side desk calendar (for laffs)
11. Murphy Brown DVD boxed set (to get an idea of what something dated looks like)
12. Seinfeld DVD boxed set (to get an idea of what something classic and lasting looks like)
13. Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run (again... by the sounds of the last album, the Killers need some help)
14. Baby aspirin (one a day is really good for the heart)
15. Starbucks giftcard
16. Swatch watch
17. Swatch watch guard
18. Passes to Coral Castle (to take a lady)
19. Happy Birthday personalized M&Ms gift box (they have B's and F's! Like your name!)
20. The new Cars album (this is how to stick to the formula)
21. New Coke (see what happens when you mess with formula?)
22. Coke Classic
23. gift certificate to Top Shop
24. "Goonies poster" (for your room)
25. Solid color pullover sweater (because, seriously, that feather shit has got to stop)
26. Subscription to New Times Broward-Palm Beach
27. Some nice cologne
28. Oujia board
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29. DVD of Ichi, the Killer
30. Flowers, lots and lots of flowers