Andy Samberg, the star of arguably the best movie ever made, Hot Rod, is turning 33 today. As the leader of comedy/music group the Lonely Island, Samberg's risen to the top of the charts while singing about creamed jeans, mermaid sex, and letting everyone know that he just had sex. It's his work on Saturday Night Live that everyone talks about on Monday morning as they stir their coffee and dread the work week.
How can we honor a man who's given us so much? What do you give the guy who has everything? Nothing. He doesn't need a damn thing. He's set. But, we want something from him. We want to be his friend. We want to punch dance our rage with him in wooded glen. We wanna go to fancy nightclubs, drink that Ciroc Diddy shit with him and be really shy when the ladies approach us. We'd settle for just giving him a ride to the airport, because that's what friends do. Man, we'd be happy with just standing next to him and admiring his glorious mountain-face in our periphery.
On his 33rd birthday, we bring 33 reasons why (featuring lots of words we didn't need to capitalize) we want to be his pal!
1. He Kicks It With Bert.
2. He Had A Pet Turtle.
3. He Loves Pancakes.
4. He Hosted Shark Week This Year.
5. Awesometown Was Awesome, Even Though It Never Got On TV.
6. He Loves Sandwiches.
8. His Dad Was The Executive Chair Of The American Jewish Congress.
9. The Man Knows How To Fall.
10. He Is Close Friends With Chester Tam & Chester Tam's Got The Moves.
11. He Loves Freestyle Music.
12. He Speaks Up Against The System.
13. He Makes International Superstars Do Ridiculous Stuff: Julian Casablancas.
14. The Soundtrack To Hot Rod Was More Than Half Of Europe's "The Final Countdown."
15. He Hangs Out With Baller Aziz Ansari.
16. He Makes International Superstars Do Ridiculous Stuff: T-Pain.
17. He Is Cool Beans.
18. He Likes To Party.
19. He Makes International Superstars Do Ridiculous Stuff: Michael Bolton.
20. He Can Wear The Hell Out Of A Starfish Costume.
21. He's Got Like 80 Jobs.
22. He Seems Like He's Kind Of Funny.
23. He Know Chicks.
24. & 25. He Makes Eccentric Directors Do Ridiculous Stuff: Jon Waters & He Is Responsible For Nikki Minaj's Cutest/Creepiest Verse.
26. He Has Hugged Bieber.
27. Sometimes His Cool Guy Friends Pick On Him.
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29. He Makes International Superstars Do Ridiculous Stuff: Lady Gaga.
30. He's Got A Gift For You: A Punch!
31. Maybe He Is So Famous And Busy That He Doesn't Have Any Real Friends Anymore, Just Business Associates And Ass Kissers.
32. Maybe He Is Really Sad And Uses Comedy To Suppress His Deep Dark Depression.
33. He Has His Own Vodka, Which Is 80 Times Fancier Than The Aforementioned Diddy Shit.