Talking Shit

Beerfest 2014 Checklist: What You'll Need to Party Properly This Saturday

Maybe you've been going to the New Times' Original Beerfest for the past 17 years and have a memory clouded by alcohol or maybe you're a festival virgin and have no clue what'll happen when your mega-brewski cherry pops this Saturday. Either way, you need to know what to expect when you step foot in Esplanade Park for the festivities.

We've got a handy checklist here with damned fine advice for you suds-guzzlers, hops connoisseurs, and party animals. It'll enlighten you on which bands are playing, what beers will be flowing, and where your head should be at when you arrive.

See also: Beerfest Is Saturday: Two Dozen Beers to Watch Out For

Stamina: Though the event isn't an all night affair, there will be plenty of time to test your actual drinking skills. Your beer-hungry mouth will start watering the second you arrive. This means you have to be committed to having some stamina. No one wants to drag you around Himmarshee after the party's over with puke in your hair. Keep it together, but have fun.

Enthusiasm: And that's what it's all about! Having a blast, brah. You may not be Crossfit-ready and walking on your paws like that chick up there, but after your first few brews, you'll be chilling out, and we want to hear your pretty cackle and see those big choppers through your smile.

Teeth: Make sure they're shinny, cause, like we just said, we want to see some good grins.

Dancing Shoes: And to help keep your energy levels high, country act Shane Duncan Band and hard rockers Pandia will get your head bobbing and put your booty to work.

Beer Goggles: These'll work their way on your face naturally, just remember you're wearing them.

Tastebuds: The selection of beers is insane, and if you can recognize any of these words, you're ready for Saturday. Check out this mini-list of brews and start drooling.

Boulevard 80 Acre, Ommegang Scythe and Sickle, Saltwater Sable Saison, Belukus-Belhaven Scottish Ale-NITRO, Cigar City Fight the Power, Stone Arrogant Bastard, Left Coast Una Mas, Rooneys 3rd Style Veterans, Brew Bus Rollin Dirty, Wynwood La Rubia, Breckenridge Vanilla Porter, Funky Buddha Banana Split, Magic Hat Dreammachine...

Your iPhone and Your Brain: With so many local breweries on the roster like Funky Buddha, Saltwater, Opus Ales, Inlet Brewing Co., and Miami Brewing Co., you're going to want to pay attention and Google these hotspots for return visits. Your iPhone and brain will assist in this endeavor.

Coming to America Costume (optional): Because this happened last year.

New Times' Original Beerfest, presented by Isle Casino, at Esplanade Park, 400 SW 2nd St., Fort Lauderdale. 21 and older. General-admission tickets $30 at ticketfly.com and include unlimited beer sampling. Brewmaster ticket is $45, gets you in to Beerfest at 6 p.m. (one hour early) and includes access to special exclusive VIP and Brewmaster beers.

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Liz has her master’s degree in religion from Florida State University. She has since written for publications and outlets such as Miami New Times, Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, Ocean Drive, the Huffington Post, NBC Miami, Time Out Miami, Insomniac, the Daily Dot, and the Atlantic. Liz spent three years as New Times Broward-Palm Beach’s music editor, was the weekend news editor at Inverse, and is currently the managing editor at Tom Tom Magazine.
Contact: Liz Tracy